Today
by double scotch.single malt
Summary: A rare view inside the mind of Derek Shepherd, centered around the events of early Season 3 and his journey of self-discovery as he reclaims his life with Meredith because his fate, his destiny leave him no other choice.
1. Chapter 1, Today, Part 1 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note:**

**Most of this story was inspired by the beautiful song by Josh Radin, called "Today". When Derek declared his love for Meredith, I always wished this was the featured song. I wanted Derek to reclaim his life with Meredith because he had no other choice – **_**such as it was his destiny, fate**_** – whatever you want to call it. I like the message of this song – **_**it says carpe diem, take it, and take it today, don't put it off**_** – the music and lyrics are beautiful and uplifting and well, Radin's delivery is remarkable (listen wherever you can).**

**The first part of this story is a one shot split into three parts. Thereafter there are eleven additional chapters each with their own song inspirations. ****I'll warn you, because of the nature of what Derek is going through much of this is stream of consciousness at first, I hope that doesn't deter readers from giving it a chance.**

Lyrics for Josh Radin's "Today":

Shoelaces untied  
You can dry your eyes  
Perfect shadows alive  
Behind us  
This is the day I make you mine

The way your hair lies  
sometimes unrecognized  
All the way from these today  
on a train  
Nothing to say if there's still time

But you are the one  
I've been waiting for today  
And here comes the sun  
That's been baiting on today

Lately I've lost my tongue  
Today you found the sun  
I know not long has grown  
Well I thank god u came along

But you are the one  
I've been waiting for today  
And here comes the sun  
That's been baiting on today

You looked right through me  
When there was no one else  
I sat beside you and became myself  
Today... today

You are the one  
I've been waiting for today  
And here comes the sun today  
That's been baiting on today

**Chapter 1 – Today – Part 1 of 3**

It was a beautiful morning as Seattle mornings go; a light mist covered everything and left behind a luminous sheen. The ever-present cool damp air filled his lungs. The sky was bright with hope and rebirth, maybe the sun would grace the sky like the weatherman predicted, Derek smiled, he loved these rare sunny days.

He crossed over his property line and rounded the bend to his trailer, even with the heavy task at hand, the new beginning he was looking for was within reach and that hopeful optimism he once harbored – _that hope rich of promise and excitement_ – was beginning to percolate through his veins again. He was desperately trying to stay in the euphoric bubble in which he was living, but he knew it was unlikely with what he needed to accomplish today.

His mind was weighed down with worry, but his heart was lifted by the newfound capacity to love again and he was hoping this new love would transcend above all else and soften the blows when it came down to it.

Derek drove down the bend and passed the trailer. He stopped at the edge of the clearing. He cut the engine off and sighed. He sat there for a few seconds unwilling to move, realizing he needed a moment to prepare himself for the onslaught of emotions he was surely about to face. He swiftly exited the car and closed the door. He and walked out a little bit and sat down, Indian style. From his vantage point he can see the water; the way it glowed in the early morning light with the mist rising from it was really something special, it was so peaceful, serene and quiet – _it was the perfect spot_ – he silently agreed with Meredith.

Reclining back on the palms of his hands Derek squinted up into the sky, the looming Douglas firs were not enough to offer some relief to his eyes from the bright gray sky – _a sure sign the sun was doing its damndest to shine through_ – he smiled again. He sat up again and looked over his shoulder at the car … he supposed he should get started. He trained his eyes on the area in front of him again, there was a cluster of Douglas firs to his right, just at the edge of the clearing, below those he spotted several large rocks – _one almost triangular in shape _– stood out from the rest. He wondered if he could pick that thing up.

He should feel sad and he does to a point – _but his mind was at ease knowing he finally made a decision he was willing to live with_ – even though he desperately wished he could take back some of the events of the last forty-eight hours. He took a deep breath, he needed to refocus for the moment, and beating himself up about his mistakes wouldn't quell the bigger dread that was trying to seep into his heart. He shivered and despite the cold morning air, he broke into a sweat as his heart raced, _thump, thump, thump,_ just get it done, he told himself.

_The small hardened pit festered in his stomach, he tried to push the tight ball out of his mind before the bile collected in his throat – but it was relentless and continued to move and churn and grow and rankle – reminding him again of that greater reason why the consequences __of his recent actions were undeniably appalling. _

Pushing away the stormy range of thoughts that swirled in his mind, he stood up and made the short jaunt to that rock, he ran his fingers along the top of the small gray boulder. He would need gloves he decided, but it was perfect, he should be able to lift it with some effort. He turned and bypassed the car – _it was a beautiful day for walking_ – he headed up to the trailer to get some supplies.

_The ugly pit continued to rage against his insides and Derek chose to ignore it as he approached the trailer, just get the shovel and move on, he thought. He rounded to the back and grabbed a large shovel and some gloves__.__Was he really doing this? He was conflicted and he wasn't sure he was ready to deal with the range of emotions that might follow – but at the same time – how could he __not__ go through with it? After everything they had been through together, he wanted to do this – he __planned__ to do this yesterday – but then he was imprisoned by the quarantine in triplicate: mind … body … spirit._

**Chapter 1 – Today – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	2. Chapter 1, Today, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for the love KT … hopefully this story will take on more readers/commenters once it gets started!**

**Chapter 1 – Today – Part 2 of 3**

Derek came down the pathway to the clearing where he had stopped before; the cool air was warming up so he took his jacket off and then donned the gloves. He breathed deeply – _push the pit away, just get the job done, keep your eye on the point_ – he coached himself.

He took the shovel and plunged the tip into the earth has hard as he could. The smell of the upturned earth floated up to his nostrils and stuck there like a layer of glue. He made the same movement again and added the second heap of the earth to the small pile. _Just get it done. Just think of Meredith._ He made another piercing stab at the earth and the waiting tears popped out of his eyes with force. It was unavoidable. Suddenly, he was thankful he had no one else to help him with this.

A layer of sweat formed on his forehead and small droplets made their decent through his sideburns then down sides of his face. The overheating of his body wasn't from the ferocious digging though; it was coming directly from his heart and nerves and the depths of his soul. He made the same motion with the shovel again, quietly trying to focus on how big he should make the area.

He released a large gulp of air he knew he needed to expel – the _smell of the fresh earth arrested him_ – he took a deep breath again and in rapid succession dug up what he was sure would be a large enough grave.

After several minutes, Derek stopped and took in the scene; the pile of fresh ground at his feet unearthed more than just this spot on his land. Deep within his heart it unleashed an ache so great that he spent a lifetime trying to avoid it. The smell of the fresh earth finally broke him and without notice, the pit smoldered with its unrelenting twisting and turning in full force. His memories swiftly flooded his mind like levees overcome by a hurricane.

A sob heaved in his heart and a tortured sound he'd never heard before bellowed from his mouth. Without warning all he could think about was his father and the day they buried him. The stench of the fresh ground – _that same dreadful odor_ – filled his nose and lungs again now and Derek knew with certainty that no amount of diversion would move his thoughts away from his father … not even visions of his beautiful love Meredith.

_Derek sobbed uncontrollably, just fucking dig, he commanded of himself. But the sound of the moving earth was too painful of a reminder; every time he plunged the shovel into the earth he felt it on the back of his neck; his hair grew stiff and he cringed in despair. Just get it done, he pleaded. _

That _trigger-sound_ haunted Derek for almost his whole life. That systematic sound of the earth hitting his father's coffin once it was lowered down into his grave – _oh, that sound of the earth – it deafened him_ – it made him want to curl up and die.

Swiftly Derek turned his back on the mess and walked back towards the car, not wanting to delay the inevitable. His nose was running and his eyes were stinging from crying, he wiped the tears away with his forearm – _what a fucking mess_ – was all he could think. He dreaded the task at hand yes, but he dreaded thinking about his father even more. He leaned against the trunk of the car for support and let his mind drift where it wanted to go, no – _where it needed to go_ – he simply couldn't find the strength to fight it any longer.

He would never forget that day. After the funeral all he could think about was how much he was going to miss his father and what it was going to be like growing up without a dad. All he _remembered _was how his father was described by those around him – _he was a "good man", "a decent man", and "honorable man"_ – and he remembered that many people, probably too many, told him he was "the man of the family now".

His mother spoke to him privately at some point in the afternoon and he would never forget that stolen moment. The memories of his father he had tried to hold onto throughout his life had faded and frayed over the years and just morphed into fuzzy recollections, fractions in time. But to this day whenever he thought of his father, his mind would undoubtedly drift to this moment with his mother because it was somehow indelible.

_His mother softly knocked on his bedroom door and came in. She was still wearing her simple black dress, her black hair was slightly more disheveled though and her eyes, although still a beautiful hazel, were red and puffy from crying. She held a monogrammed handkerchief in her hands. Derek was where he had been since they arrived at home … lying on his bed in his suit with his shoes on staring at the ceiling._

"_Derek sweetheart, Mark is downstairs and wants to know if he can come up," she said softly while she smoothed his hair away from his forehead and it felt so comforting. She leaned down and kissed his brow._

"_I don't know Ma … is it okay?"_

"_Sure, do you want some company?"_

"_If Mark comes up, it will be just like always though and it isn't just like always anymore."_

_Small tears sprung from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks towards his ears. He left them there; he couldn't bear to wipe them away. He silently chastised himself for crying in front of his mother. He was supposed to be the strong one. _

"_No, it isn't. It is a very, very sad day and it is okay to be sad. It is your right, we all are very sad," his mother said evenly. Her deep eyes scanned Derek's; she was the same as always, just checking on him. _

"_I'm keeping your dad with me, do you want to know how I'm doing that?" she asked quietly. _

"_I don't know." He answered truthfully, it sounded painful. _

"_Well, I'm keeping him here," she placed her hand over her heart, "that way, whenever I want to feel him, I just put my hand over my heart and I can remember what a wonderful man he was," her eye began to glisten in the dim natural light of the room._

"_If he was such a good man, how come he died?" Derek asked the hard question, but somehow he knew there was no answer._

"_That's a good question sweetheart, but one that has no answer and it would be wise to not dwell on it. Remember him instead, remember everything you loved about him and keep him with you in your heart."_

"_I don't want Mark to come up", he decided at that moment, "Can you tell him I'll come down in a little bit, I'm not ready for like always just yet."_

_She leaned over and kissed Derek on his forehead, "Sure sweetheart, I am proud of you Derek, your father was too, he loved you so very much, you're a good, honorable boy …always remember that." _

_She got up and stopped at the foot of his bed. She leaned forward and gently removed his shoes and placed them on the floor. She massaged his feet for a moment, then without a word she quietly slipped out of his room. _

Derek remembered that day like it was yesterday. After his mother left his room he went to his desk and wrote down his most cherished memories of his father – _playing catch or cards, how he hung the big tire swing to the old oak tree out back_ – the list was endless. He also wrote down the words people used to describe his father – _good – honorable – decent_. Over the years this became a mantra of sorts and even though Derek knew he took it too literally, it was something to hold on to back then and he needed it.

He desperately wanted to be that wholesome man, a man like his father, but in the last half of the year he had made a mess of his life and that goal slipped through his fingers. For almost thirty years he was on the straight and narrow and then Addison and Mark betrayed him and from there he made one bad decision after another. Derek believed in his heart of hearts he had become a man that his father would have been disappointed in … and that broke him.

He knew he made a mistake with Meredith on the onset of his relationship with her; he had no right to claim her as his own. He tried to right that wrong or redeem himself by going back to Addison, but she was right the other day, it was Derek's selfish "need to be a good guy" that returned him to her, it wasn't love at all. There was no way to let himself off the hook for all the pain he had caused both Meredith and Addison and he didn't want to, he just wanted to move on and do _something_ right.

Which was why, after Meredith left Finn's office before the prom he made arrangements to pick up Doc's remains and do this – _bury him in the clearing overlooking the water_ –just like she wanted. He knew the task would dredge up all of his suppressed feelings and memories about his father, which was why, like a coward his gut instinct was to let Finn "dispose" of Doc's body. He was glad Meredith demanded more from him though, because as crippled as he was by it all, he knew deep down her happiness was worth every bit of heartache he was feeling now.

**Chapter 1 – Today – Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	3. Chapter 1, Today, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks to all my gal pals for the love … x.o.i. …enjoy the last part of the opener and let me know what you think.**

**Chapter 1 – Today – Part 3 of 3**

Derek didn't know how long he had been standing at the trunk of the car, but he quickly regained his gusto and opened it. He gently lifted Doc out, "Here you go buddy," he said to no one in particular. Doc was packed up like a cocoon, so it almost felt like he was carrying a small log in shape and size, though morbidly his remains were much heavier than he had been at the end of his life. Back at Finn's office, he had wrapped Doc's cocoon in the black cashmere blanket he used when he transported him to his appointments.

As he neared the grave site, the stench of the earth grabbed a hold of his senses and Derek not only felt it in his nose, but his mouth too and his heart squeezed with unfathomable pain. He carefully leaned down and placed the cocoon with the blanket into the grave. The pit returned as he grabbed the shovel. He decided to talk to Doc while covering him up, if only to drown out the sound of the earth for if he didn't, he would be sick in a matter of minutes.

"Doc, I promise to bring Meredith here when she's ready for me to, I know she loved you a lot buddy, I like to think she was happy you came to live with me out here and she was right, this place – _your resting place_ – is perfect, she's gonna love it, it's exactly what she had in mind for you."

Derek continued to cover the grave as carefully as he could to avoid the smell and sounds of his task, _just a little bit longer now_; he thought to himself, then he continued to talk to Doc. "You were the best dog a guy like me could ask for. I didn't deserve you, but Meredith did. She loved you so very much and she was wholly distraught over losing you," he paused to wipe away the stream of tears from his cheeks. "But she was wrong about one thing though buddy, you were _her_ dog, not mine … I loved you but I took you so I could feel close to her when I had no rights with her, you were our link – _our_ _connector_ – and I'll forevermore be grateful for that."

Derek smoothed the last of the earth over Doc's grave and dropped the shovel. It made a dull clanking noise as it hit the ground. He took several long strides to get that gray boulder he spied before and with some effort, he picked it up and slowly made his way back to the grave. He placed it as gently as he could at the head of the site. He took the gloves off and dropped them to his feet and stared out over the shimmering water. He walked around the grave and headed down there.

He needed to get away from the stench and clear his head before he had to be at the hospital. The sun was starting to break beyond the clouds and he could tell it might actually be a beautiful day despite having to find Addison to tell her the truth from his heart, a daunting obligation that was somehow more tolerable because of Meredith.

If he could take back the exam room sex he would in a heartbeat because it wasn't supposed to be adulterous for either of them. He wished he was single when it happened, because in his mind it was just a matter of time, he wished he didn't put Meredith in that position, he cringed at the thought that she was another man's woman even if she was just casually dating Finn.

He inhaled deep breath of the fresh air to steady his squeezing heart, he knew if he really let himself think about all this, he would be heartbroken with disappointment in himself. The smell of the fresh clean air cleared his head without even trying. He swore someone could blindfold him and take him away from here and he would know the minute he was returned – _it smelled like home_ – it _felt_ like home (except for the newly unearthed area), for the first time since Addison moved out here with him … he was _home _again.

_Home_ … he had been trying to find the right word for exactly how he felt about what ensued the other night between him and Meredith –_it wasn't faithless at all_ – making love to Meredith again was wondrous and beautiful and _cathartic_ … everything he always remembered and everything he always dreamed of when they were apart, but on a much deeper level.

After they yelled at each other, he just didn't know what to do, he didn't want to talk anymore and he didn't want to say anything _else_ he might regret. Her raspy, shallow breathing poked relentlessly at his soul and the way she looked at him, her eyes questioning his, the only answer could be found in his heart and so he kissed her senseless because no words could describe what he was feeling.

His heart was aching with emotion, it was so full of bursting love and sorrow and pain and loneliness and desire. All of these feelings were fighting their way back in to fill the void of his hollowed out soul – _the soul he closed off to the world when he returned to Addison_ – his soul that belonged _irrevocably_ to Meredith Grey.

That night, he was relieved and overjoyed to feel Meredith relax in his arms as he kissed her, goose bumps covered her arms instantly and when they pulled back slightly from that first kiss, he was dizzy with the thought that he still had that affect on her. Meredith never ceased to amaze him, she accepted his mouth on hers after everything he had done and _said_ to her, and from there the magnets in their hearts that they desperately tried to repel for so long suddenly sprang together with undeniable force and nothing could break them apart.

And when he entered her without hesitation, her delicate muscles clamped around him immediately, and although she was damp with desire, she felt tighter than he remembered, yet oh so familiar. He was overcome by the all consuming love he had for her, it was so rich and so thick he could feel it in the air of the tiny room. God, the way she looked at him – _her green eyes dark with desire and fear and love and custody_ – he knew in that moment his love for her would never wane.

All he _heard_ was her moans of pleasure, all he _saw_ was her dark and impassioned eyes, all he _smelled_ was her scent – _flowers mixed with her sex (that alone was enough to do him in)_ – and all he _felt_ was whole and alive and at peace. Their connection was restored and the fury that raged in his heart for months began to ebb immediately, like waves of the ocean after a storm. He was safely _home_.

His mind wandered to their conversation the next night. He saw a glimmer of something in her eyes as he spoke to her, _perhaps it was_ _hope_. She knew his words came from his heart and soul and those beautiful eyes of hers flickered for a split-second when he said he chose the wrong woman and that was the first time he had seen her eyes shine in months. Derek was relieved to finally make his declaration out loud, she was breathtaking and letting go felt so damn good after watching the minutes tick by in that fucking quarantine with O'Malley.

He felt panicked all day; his mind was clouded with jumbled thoughts of Doc's death and impending burial, the mess with Addison and the memory of his father's funeral. He was trapped in limbo in that room and it felt like the waiting room to hell, if there was such a thing. His heart raged against his chest cavity for hours and hours, pumping with more life than he felt in months _– he just wanted to get to Meredith to tell her everything because when they were together_ – he never really did.

At the time he supposed he was afraid that if he did, it would make those feelings real and true and somehow it would spoil the dream. For a myriad of reasons he hedged and he wished he didn't – _from the moment he met Meredith he wished he handled things better_ – differently … with more honor and decency, more like his father would have expected him to.

He turned away from the water and went back to Doc's grave, much to Derek's relief the smell of the fresh earth was already starting become less intense and more a part of the natural environment. He collected the shovel, gloves and his jacket (_which would have to go to the dry cleaner_) and walked with haste back up to the trailer so he could get to work.

He thought about what it meant to have a second chance with Meredith and that he really did want to give her some time – _but in his heart of hearts he didn't want to wait_ – he wanted her all to himself. Selfish, yes, but _honest_ too and that was one thing that had evaded him for a long time: _his capacity to be honest with himself._

The sun broke through the clouds and he felt a little lighter and more cheerful than he had all morning in large part because he found peace in knowing Doc was laid to rest where Meredith wanted him to be and he knew that would make her happy.

**Chapter 2 to follow.**


	4. Chapter 2, Beautiful Day

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for the comments. ****The ideas behind this chapter were further inspired by the song full of promise called, "Beautiful Day" by U2, the lyrics speak for themselves.**

**Chapter 2 – Beautiful Day **

**Lyrics for U2's, "Beautiful Day": **

The heart is a bloom  
Shoots up through the stony ground  
There's no room  
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck  
And the reason that you had to care  
The traffic is stuck  
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend  
To take you out of this place  
Someone you could lend a hand  
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day  
Sky falls, you feel like  
It's a beautiful day  
Don't let it get away

You're on the road  
But you've got no destination  
You're in the mud  
In the maze of her imagination

You love this town  
Even if that doesn't ring true  
You've been all over  
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day  
Don't let it get away  
It's a beautiful day

Touch me  
Take me to that other place  
Teach me  
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue  
See China right in front of you  
See the canyons broken by cloud  
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out  
See the Bedouin fires at night  
See the oil fields at first light  
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth  
After the flood all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day  
Don't let it get away  
Beautiful day

Touch me  
Take me to that other place  
Reach me  
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now  
What you don't know you can feel it somehow  
What you don't have you don't need it now  
Don't need it now  
Was a beautiful day

**Chapter 2 – Beautiful Day **

Once Derek arrived at work he switched gears, it always amazed him how easy it was for him to compartmentalize his life and drop his personal problems like a school bag at the door when he walked into the hospital. Even with Addison haunting him and Meredith tempting him, he managed maintain control in the OR. Once the airtight doors closed behind him, he was an auto- pilot and nothing mattered more to him than the patient's health and well-being. Surgery was an interesting paradox; it took Derek to another place entirely without actually moving him anywhere and he loved that feeling.

The only time in Derek's career that his professional and personal worlds ever collided was when Meredith was two ORs down from his with her hand on a bomb inside Burke's patient – _and well that force was __unavoidable_ – it was how he knew he still loved her beyond anything or anyone else in the world. Sadly it was also how he knew he broke her. To this day, Meredith's crises of hope leveled him every time he thought about it.

He made his rounds, dutifully called Burke at home to check in on him and met up with Meredith when she and the crew presented Benjamin O'Leary's case. He really wanted to do it right this time, start fresh with Meredith and his thoughts drifted to their almost-kiss in the stairwell, she smelled so good and looked so beautiful … damn that Callie.

So far, even with the tumultuous morning he had and residue of the raw damp earth of Doc's grave lingering in his nostrils, he felt uplifted just knowing he was finally moving on. It was a beautiful day and he didn't want to let it get away – _if he could only find Addison and put an end to their mutual misery _– he would be in even better shape.

After his conversation with the Chief, Derek took a cup of coffee and went outside and sat on one of the benches in the hospital's courtyard. He needed absorb what was going on with a clear head and he had about a half hour to spare before next surgical patient. _The fact that Addison knew about the panties made his heart sink into his stomach … the pit had resumed its repetitive twisting and turning with no sign of letting up._ Even if what the Chief said was true about leaving the panties as a statement, he didn't want to do that to her – _rub it in_ – wasn't it enough that their marriage was over?

Derek felt like he took the last of her dignity, he imagined she felt something like he did the night he found her with Mark, well maybe not to that degree, but she probably felt a range of the same feelings. Even if they both knew for weeks the marriage was over, he couldn't help but feel ashamed of himself for the selfishness and cruelty of his actions. He never intended to handle it that way, but the thought of losing Meredith for good was too much for his heart to bear and in that moment he had to do something to change the course of their fate.

He took a big gulp of his coffee and noticed the sun was still poking in and out of the clouds, it wouldn't be long now before the cloud cover won the battle though, and the sky would be gray again. The sun fell on his back and warmed him like a hug from his mother and suddenly he felt comforted and at peace, he needed to move on and he needed to do it _today_. His Blackberry buzzed against his thigh and he sighed as he looked down to retrieve the message … his heart skipped a beat when he saw it was from Meredith.

**M. .Intern: Where on earth are you hiding?**

He replied quickly and couldn't help but smile to himself that she was looking for him, even if it was only to discuss Benjamin's case. A few minutes later he heard the light scamper of her footsteps and he looked up … he was quite certain no one ever made light blue scrubs look so sexy. Her smile was glowing and she looked happy, happier than he had seen her in months. Sure there was still an underlying worry in her eyes, but overall she seemed more at peace.

She smiled big as she approached and he stood up to greet her. "You found me, now what do you want to do with me?" he asked suggestively.

"Dr. Shepherd!" she said in mock surprise as she reached up and kissed him quickly on his cheek. The skin under her kiss radiated with heat. The smell of lavender wafted up and stuck to his nostrils, and he felt his heart skip a beat. He was a bit stunned, but he would take it. He held her hand and they sat down together.

"So, I don't want to interrupt you, but I was wondering if I could ask you a question?" she said hesitantly.

"Sure, but I want to ask you one first, if I may?" he countered, his mischievous smile in tow.

"Shoot."

"Tell me about the bulletin board thing, _you know the thing you said you would normally find funny_…" his voice trailed off as he was suddenly struck by her complexion in the light of the sun. Meredith Grey was a beautiful woman regardless, but immersed in the natural sunlight, she was ablaze. She looked like a woman who could inspire a thousand impressionist paintings, she was truly luminous. "God, you're _so_ beautiful," he all but whispered.

"Derek, you're hopeless," she said breathlessly, but her cheeks betrayed her as she blushed furiously.

"Now dish," he commanded.

"_Someone_ posted my panties on the bulletin board on the surgical floor, with a sign that said lost and found…" she said evenly, but then she looked up she found Derek's horrified face. "…And I can see by your expression, it wasn't you, thankfully Callie claimed them, she saved me … keeping our secret a secret I guess. Although then George started having a major freak-out about Callie having two sets of panties…," her ramble died off when she realized Derek was unresponsive.

Derek sighed and released her hand, he put both forearms on his knees and looked at the ground, the weight of his guilt over humiliating Meredith felt like the sky was falling and crushing his shoulders. What a fucking mess he made of things.

"Derek, look at me please, are you okay?" she asked cautiously.

He didn't look up, he couldn't, he was afraid he would lose it if he did. A lone tear slipped from his eye and he watched it drop to the ground, then another one fell and he wiped his eyes with his fingers and turned to Meredith. He spoke evenly trying to keep his disappointment with Addison in check so Meredith wouldn't be upset.

"It must have been Addison," he choked out. "She found the panties in my tux pocket; I found them under the exam table after you left with Callie. I'm so sorry, I never meant for that to happen. The Chief said I –"

Meredith stood abruptly and walked a couple of feet away and then came back and stood in front of him with her hands on her hips. He finally looked up.

"Derek Shepherd, do _not_ sit there and tell me the Chief knows about the panties, well, I guess he would know about the panties since they were tacked on the fucking bulletin board and this fucking hospital is powered by its fucking rumor mill!" she heaved. "But for the love of _everything_ sacred, please do not sit there and tell me that he knows the panties are _mine_!" she huffed.

Meredith stood there with her eyes boring into his; she was pissed – _no horrified_ – no pissed _and_ horrified! Derek just stared at her, he didn't know what to say, nothing could make it better, but he supposed it was truth time – _she wasn't going to just vaporize into nothingness and let him off the hook_ – he thought wryly.

"Meredith … I'm not gonna lie to you … he knows the panties are yours," he winced but before she could boil over he grabbed her hand and pulled her down so she was sitting with him again. He held both of her hands in his. "He knows they're yours, but Meredith, he also knows how I feel about you, and that you mean the world to me," he sighed. "I never meant for things to spiral out of control like they are now and I always envisioned our reunion …," he paused when saw a look of disbelief cross her face, and then he continued. "Yes, _envisioned_ Meredith … I always dreamt it would be fresh and new and untainted and trust me, _I did dream_ about it and I'll forever be sorry I humiliated you."

_Meredith just sat there. Derek couldn't get a read on her face, she seemed almost catatonic, or something. He was afraid to say anything else because he sensed he would only make it worse. She was a strong woman, he knew that, but there is only so much a person can take, and at this point he would settle for her screaming at him just to know she still had a fight left in her. And then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw her mouth turn up into a smile and she squeezed his hand. _

"She really _is _the Queen of Passive-Agresseiva, isn't she? What a bitch!" Meredith giggled looking straight into his eyes. Her eyes were electrified by her smile and Derek let out a sigh of relief and chuckled … disaster averted for now.

"So, what should we do about it, _them_, the panties, I mean and before you ask, Callie gave them back to me already." Meredith deadpanned.

"Ah, well, you stay clear of Addison until I talk with her – _true to form she's ignoring my calls_ – but I as I mentioned earlier, I will end it with her today and you have my word on that. Now, what was it that you wanted to ask _me_?"

"Oh yeah, I was going to ask you if you wouldn't mind meeting me at Joe's later tonight," she asked quietly, removing her hand from his.

"What time do you want me there?" he asked seriously.

"Eight is fine, _but Derek you can say no if you want_, I mean, I know you have to speak with Addison and well, the last time I asked you to meet me there, you kind of blew it with the choosing thing … so if you don't want to, just tell me now instead of disappointing me later," she said as pushed her honey blond hair behind her ears, something she did when she was trying not to fidget. God, he adored her.

"Meredith, I'll be there, I promise you that and I know I could promise the moon and the stars and everything in between and you would still have trouble trusting me, but I promise I'll be there, okay?" he took her hand again and entwined his fingers in hers. Her eyes sparked as she gazed at Derek.

She sighed. "Okay then."

"So, any news on Benjamin's scans? How was the rest of your morning?" he held her hand, he just couldn't let go.

"Nope, still waiting for the second round of labs, so nothing to report, he's quite a character though; I wonder what he's like in real life? You know, he asked me if I had sex with you ...," she smiled knowingly.

"Really? He's astute." Derek laughed big and his eyes sparkled in amusement.

"Yes he is; he's refreshing you know even though it's mostly the tumor talking."

"Hmm, so what did you say?" Derek challenged.

Meredith blushed a little and that familiar twinkle in her eyes returned, the twinkle that told him she was happy. "I told him not _today_, and then he went on to tell me that you were hot in an arrogant way that made you sexy, so sexy that he would even have sex with you!" she giggled, barely able to keep a straight face.

"Really?"

Meredith nodded. "It's true, so if you need a quickie, you know where to go," she teased.

Derek turned to her abruptly and cradled her shoulders with the arm he had on the back of the bench. He raised her chin with his free hand and looked straight into her sparkling green eyes, "Meredith, if I need a quickie honey, there's no one I'm coming to but you … and I mean that."

They stared into each other's unwavering eyes, their familiar euphoric bubble began to form around them – _creating a proximity that was nothing short of intimate_ – her hot breath smelled so delectable and it took all Derek had not go caveman on her and drag her into the bushes, kiss her senseless and have his way with her. He could get lost in those profound eyes so, so easily; he loved her without a shadow of doubt in his mind.

"So, the Chief offered his condolences to me on the loss of my dog," she said with a raised brow. "And I was wondering how he knew about Doc."

"Ah, well, I was gonna tell you this, but, after you –" the shriek of Meredith's pager interrupted him. She glanced down and back up to him.

"Labs are in, I gotta go, so surgery and then Joe's tonight, right?" she leaned over and reflexively kissed him on the cheek. His face warmed again to the soft touch of her lips against his skin. As long as he lived he would never grow tired of that.

"I promise I'll be there for both," he winked. "The surgery _and_ Joe's."

She smiled and jogged away, Derek admired again just how great her ass looked in those scrub pants. His cock started to harden instinctively and he shook his head and sighed, she was right, he _was_ hopeless. A broad smile crossed his face and his heart beat wildly; he was like a lovesick teenager around Meredith Grey.

**Chapter 3 to follow.**


	5. Chapter 3, So Are You to Me

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for the comments. "So Are You to Me" by eastmountainsouth is a beautiful ballad-lullaby, it's so simple, sweet, and a little lonely, but beautifully delivered. It reminds me of the beautiful things we think of before we go to bed at night … of our children, spouses, friends and family.**

**Chapter 3 – So Are You to Me**

Lyrics for "So Are You to Me":

As the music at the banquet  
As the wine before the meal  
As the firelight in the night  
So are you to me

As the ruby in the setting  
As the fruit upon the tree  
As the wind blows over the plains  
So are you to me

As the wind blows over the plains  
So are you to me  
So are you to me

**Chapter 3 – So Are You to Me**

Derek firmly closed the door to Addison's hotel room at The Archfield and shook his head in disbelief. The insides of his stomach flipped with disgust, how is it possible that he walked in on his wife and best friend not once in his lifetime, but twice? At least she wasn't impaled on his cock this time, he mused. He was suddenly thankful he was shown some mercy this time, even if he didn't deserve it.

He slowly walked down the long hallway without looking back. He was truly in a state of shock, his blood should be boiling over and he should be angrier, but maybe at this point he was just anesthetized to it all. He felt high or drunk – _maybe both_ – but he wasn't. In a strange way, he was relieved. Not to see Mark there of course, but for some reason seeing him like that or _them_ like that confirmed his need to end the marriage and in a strange paradox, it softened the blow to his gut.

Addison must have called him the minute she found the panties, he ruminated. Derek called for the elevator and waited, he ran his hand through his hair and paced. She did what she needed to do he thought, in a twisted goal of healing her wounds and suppressing her anger at Derek … she used Mark, which was just _so_ Addison.

He got on the elevator and the doors closed behind him with a thud. He inhaled the stale air inside the steel box and suddenly he felt a little light-headed and strange and claustrophobic, but somehow he also felt … _good_ … oddly refreshed.

Maybe he was in shock over Addison's incredulousness, but he didn't want to dwell on that now, each of them had done their own harm – _what was done was done_ – and he was just that: _done_. He shoved his hands in his pockets and exited the solitude of the elevator. The hotel's main doors opened via the sensor and gust of Seattle's cool, damp air hit him, covering him like a mosquito net. He took a deep breath of the fresh air and swiftly made his way to his car, hoping to catch the next ferry.

He rounded the corner to the docks and slowly drove over the threshold onto the ferry. He waved to the familiar attendant, got out of his car and headed for the helm. The air was cold and damp; he fastened his jacket and swiftly took his black wool hat from his pocket and slipped it over his skull. He donned his gloves and peered over the side of the ferry, everything was black below him – _cold and black_ – bleak and without promise.

He allowed the swooshing sound of the water lull his mind and dull his senses for a moment. The familiar smell of the sea wafted up to his nose and filled his lungs. It smelled salty and clean and organic and _inviting_. He leaned over the edge a little more and gripped the side of the boat as if it were his life preserver. A fleeting thought ran through his mind then: he could easily fall into that cold dark water and no one would ever know what happened to him.

He dismissed that maudlin idea immediately and firmly planted his feet on the boat deck. Derek leaned his forearms against the railing and looked out into the darkness of the night. His marriage was over and what he said to Addison before was the truth, it _was_ his fault, he shouldn't have chosen her when he was in love with Meredith. Going back to Addison was an extreme disservice to all of them and only _he _would have to live with that decision. He scoffed at the misery of his mistakes and wished all of a sudden that he had some company.

The ferry boat began to dock and Derek made his way back to the warmth of the car. He smiled as the tires of the car passed back over the threshold, _clink, clink_, he was almost _home_. He made the drive to his land and rounded the bend up to the trailer. He got out of the car, a cool refreshing gust of wind blew over the plain and rustled the leaves in the trees – _everything was quiet and calm and serene_ – just as he left it. His day was long, but Doc was at peace and Meredith was happy. He decided he needed a stiff drink, a shower and some time to absorb the tirade of thoughts that swirled in his head.

Before that though, he was going to call Meredith to say goodnight. In a strange way, even though they were only _dating_, he chuckled out loud – _he missed her_ – he missed her more than he probably should, but he longed to hear the velvety soft timbre of voice. He wanted to absorb himself in the thought of her twinkling green eyes. He craved her and he wanted … _proximity_.

Meredith never ceased to amaze Derek, she had truly surprised him tonight at Joe's by inviting Finn too, he realized again just how much of a real threat Finn was –_in Meredith's eyes_ – Finn … _Finn was_ a viable candidate and she wasn't ready to let go of him. Derek agreed, he was a good enough guy, he was a good _vet_ – _but Finn wasn't soul mate material and if Meredith and Derek were anything at all_ – they were soul mates, just like his father and mother before him.

He poured himself a glass of scotch and sat down on his small sofa. He located her name in his contacts which he secretly coded as "_Amor_" months ago, mostly because he still loved her and because he wanted her to be first on his alpha-list. He smiled at his logic as she answered the call.

"_Derek,"_ she said breathlessly. He could tell she was tired, but he could also hear the smile in her voice.

"The one and only, did I wake you, I just wanted to say goodnight, Meredith."

"_Yes, you woke me, but it's okay, are you okay?"_ she said and he could tell she stifled a yawn.

"I'm better than okay, I saw Addison and well … Mark, but that's not why I'm calling. It's been a long day and I just wanted to hear your sweet voice."

Derek heard some rustling on her end of the phone and then she said. "_What? Wait a minute, I'm awake now, back up, you saw Mark where?"_

"He was with Addison at The Archfield where she kindly informed me she was staying and -"

"_What, she told you she was there and you went there and then he was there too?"_ she asked incredulously.

"Yes, he was there, although I didn't know that until he came out of the bathroom almost naked, old habits die hard, I guess."

"_Derek?"_

"Yes, I'm here."

"_No, I know you're there, it's just that you don't sound upset with them, or as upset as I would have thought you would be or should be, why do you sound so … fine with it?" _she asked hesitantly.

"I'm not fine with it, but I also made my share of mistakes Meredith, the marriage is ending because of my mistakes, I told you, _I chose wrong_, we have been in sham of a marriage because I wasn't strong enough to walk away all those months ago and now, I'm just done. When something is over, it's just got to be over," he sighed and then added post haste. "Plus I'm dating _you_, so I can't very well be married now can I?" he flirted, and a broad smile returned to his face.

"_No, I guess not. We are dating aren't we?"_ her voice was soothing and sexy and Derek wanted nothing more than to be in the same room with her rather than miles apart and on the phone.

"Yes, we are, damn it feels so good to say that out loud," he chuckled.

"_I agree, you're still you then?"_ she stifled another yawn.

"I'm still me. You're tired, go back to sleep and I'll see you in the morning,"

"_Goodnight Derek and thanks for calling me to say goodnight,"_ she said softly into the line.

"Goodnight Meredith, sweet dreams," he snapped his phone shut and that wide smile plastered itself to his face again.

Derek took a shower, threw on a fresh tee shirt and a pair of pajama pants and climbed into bed. Immediately he remembered there was something he wanted to do – _he meant to do last night _– but he was so tired after coming home from Meredith's.

He got out of bed with a huff and pulled the goose down comforter across the bed to the floor. He then stripped the bed and the pillows and put the soiled linens on the ground in a small pile. He walked to his closet and pulled out some fresh linens and made the bed up again. He took the duvet cover off of the down comforter and added it to his discard pile. He put the naked comforter back on his bed and climbed in – _ah, fresh sheets_ –he thought with relief. Addison had already cleared out her things, and this was the last of her, her perfume, her scent, he just needed it to be gone. _For good._

The soft rain pelted onto the skylight and offered a soothing rhythm he desperately needed, he allowed himself to relax into his fresh clean bed and suddenly he was exhausted. As his eyes closed Derek allowed his mind to drift once again to the memory of his father, his father who was proud of him and characterized him as "good and honorable". He knew what he would do to redeem himself from this mess and he was sure he wouldn't hear any grumblings from Addison; after all she was all too aware of his need to be that good guy.

His mind drifted swiftly to Meredith, a calming force passed over his heart and formed an impenetrable shield against all the demons he was battling. His heart rate slowed down to a normal, steady rate. He could feel his nerve endings _blur_ as he thought about her beautiful smile. He could feel his bone marrow _melt_ at the thought of her luminous eyes. As he thought about her alabaster skin glowing in the sunlight earlier, he felt the creases he held in his forehead all day _relax _into his skin. As his eyes shut with their own accord, Derek was blessed to know that Meredith was radiant and happy and that was all he ever wanted for her.

**Chapter 4 to follow.**


	6. Chapter 4, Lips Like Sugar

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

"**Lips like Sugar" by Echo and the Bunnymen is one of my all time favorite songs (I am probably dating myself here), but it is a wonderfully, upbeat song and it just fit perfectly with this chapter. I really hope you will enjoy it. If you are reading this story, please leave a note, thanks!**

**Chapter 4 – Lips like Sugar**

Lyrics for Echo and the Bunnymen's "Lips Like Sugar":

She floats like a swan  
Grace on the water  
Lips like sugar  
Lips like sugar  
Just when you think you've caught her  
She glides across the water  
She calls for you tonight  
To share this moonlight

You'll flow down her river  
Shell ask you and you'll give her  
Lips like sugar  
Sugar kisses  
Lips like sugar  
Sugar kisses

She knows what she knows  
I know what she's thinking  
Sugar kisses  
Sugar kisses  
Just when you think she's yours  
She's flown to other shores  
To laugh at how you break  
And melt into this lake

You'll flow down her river  
But you'll never give her  
Lips like sugar  
Sugar kisses  
Lips like sugar  
Sugar kisses

Shell be my mirror  
Reflect what I am  
A loser and a winner  
The king of Siam  
And my Siamese twin  
Alone on the river  
Mirror kisses  
Mirror kisses

Lips like sugar  
Sugar kisses  
Lips like sugar  
Sugar kisses

Lips like sugar  
Sugar kisses  
Lips like sugar  
Sugar kisses

Lips like sugar  
Sugar kisses  
Lips like sugar  
Sugar kisses

**Chapter 4 – Lips Like Sugar**

Derek awoke after a surprisingly sound night of fluid sleep and even more fluid dreams. He was having the most surreal dream of his life when he stirred, it was so lovely and Meredith looked so beautiful … she was surrounded by a magical flickering light, it's origin unknown … the expression on her face was wild with something, maybe – _passion _– her named rolled off his tongue, _Meredith_, and then he began to walk slowly towards her maintaining his gaze upon his prize …her green eyes sparkled albeit the shadows from the lights … the overwhelming need to kiss her plump sweet lips wreaked havoc on his heart … suddenly she was almost within his reach and he saw her eyes soften with anticipation then … he woke up. Despite Derek's best efforts to welcome the dream again, it was hopelessly lost.

His lips broke out in a smile … _Meredith_. Derek woke up every morning thinking about her, but over the last several months, he had grown accustomed to pushing her out of his mind as soon as he was lucid … it used to anger him because he had made the decision to stay with Addison, yet he was hopelessly dreaming about Meredith every time he closed his eyes.

Derek always knew his mind and heart would eventually win the battle … and now as he slowly opened his eyes, for the first time in forever, he allowed himself to bask in his glorious visions. Once again he was looking forward to a day filled with promise; he couldn't believe Meredith was taking a chance with him again.

He looked through the skylight, the sky above him was gray as usual and the air inside the trailer was chilly. He hopped out of bed, showered, brushed his teeth and quickly slipped on a pair of fitted khaki slacks and a light blue button down shirt. He then pulled on the deep navy cashmere sweater his mother sent him for Christmas – _that should take off the chill_ – he really needed to call his mother he thought ruefully, but the prospect of filling her in on the news of his divorce was disheartening and suddenly he was chilled to the bone again.

He sighed and ran a hand through his unruly black hair and decided that was good enough. He grabbed his PDAs, coat and briefcase and stepped outside into the damp, cool morning air. The view from the trailer porch took his breath away most mornings, the land and air were fresh and crisp and welcoming and it was all _his_, no shrieking about trout this morning, he though wryly.

While en route to the ferry, Derek called Burke to check in on his VIP patient, and although Burke might say he was sick of Derek calling every morning since his discharge, Derek knew Burke felt somewhat lonely and disjointed (_no pun intended_) while convalescing.

Truth be told, Derek was worried about the psychological aspect of his friend's recovery. Strong mental health and positive reinforcement were keys to quick recovery for anyone, but for a surgeon being cracked open was tantamount to losing your self confidence and "powers" to be a healer. The vulnerability was so intense it was akin to being stripped of your license to practice medicine, so he'd been told. Derek speed-dialed his cell number and Burke answered less than enthused.

"_Shepherd."_

"Preston, how are you?"

"_Just fine, you know, you don't have to placate me, everything is on course, I'm coming to Grace today to talk to the Chief about my leave,"_ he said frankly.

"Well, that's a good start, you know, takes the pressure off. Feeling any pain or discomfort? We can adjust your meds if we need to," he offered.

"_Nope, all is well here my friend,"_ Burke insisted, just on the edge of being annoyed.

"So, you and Grey are on again? What are you planning to do?" he asked, stealthily changing the subject.

"_Ah, you heard about that did you? Well, I am hoping to file for an amicable divorce in the next week or so, meanwhile, Meredith and I are 'dating',"_ Derek smiled at the openness of it all.

"_Good luck with the amicable part,"_ he chuckled. _"And bring Grey a cup of coffee this morning then and ask her out. Coffee, it's the way to go these days,"_ Burke offered.

"Coffee, I hadn't thought about that, thanks for the idea, does it work?" he asked curiously.

"_First, it's not as if she going to say "no", she's been pining for you since you went back to Addison and second, you haven't dated in what __twenty years__, trust me, bring her some coffee, she's an intern, it's a nice gesture. I always brought Cristina coffee when we first dated before we lived together,"_ he explained.

"_Fifteen_ years," Derek said somewhat mystified, as the light bulb illuminated in his head, had it really been that long since he dated?

"_What?"_

"It's been fifteen years since I was on the dating circuit. So coffee it is ..." his voice trailed off.

"_Good luck Shepherd."_

"Thanks and before you put up a fight, I will talk to you in the morning," Derek heard Burke scoff in disagreement as he snapped his cell phone shut.

***

Derek rounded the corner from the elevator lobby with a joy in his heart he barely could recognize _– he could have kissed Meredith Grey's luscious lips senseless_ – the coffee thing worked like a charm, although he too could be pretty charming when he was happy. Meredith was relaxed and happy when he saw her and she accepted his proposal for a date with a smile _and_ without hesitation. His heart filled up at that moment, he hadn't realized how nervous he was. In an added bonus – _she had a dream about him_ – he'd have to ask her for all the porny details later. He wondered for a moment where he should he take her, the possibilities were endless, which was more than he ever bargained for … endless possibilities with Meredith Grey were just fine by him.

With that bit of business taken care of, Derek took off to round his patients and further talk to Mrs. Tressel about her husband's surgery. He made a mental note to find Meredith later to ask her if she would want in on the surgery. Cristina was slated to join him and having Meredith in the OR with him would certainly _lighten_ the mood. Of course Meredith would say she was in and he would secure another chance to see during the day – _which was a bonus for both of them_ – it wasn't like he cut a man's brain in half _every_ day.

He stopped at the Nurses' Station to grab Tressel's file and spotted Addison out of the corner of his eye, he approached her casually – _on guard_ – as if she might attack him in the middle of the hospital, _get a grip_, he told himself. He supposed now was just as good of a time as any considering she hadn't bothered to return any one of his phone calls.

"Good morning, Addison," he said hesitantly as he stood next to her.

Addison turned to him and the first thing he noticed was her eyes, they looked tired and worn and sad. He hoped she would come back from this time in their lives, he really did mean what he said to Burke earlier, Derek wanted things to be as amicable as they could be and he was willing to make some serious concessions to make it easier for both of them.

"Good morning, Derek," she said flatly.

"Ah, well this is awkward, but don't you think we need to get started on the …" his voice trailed off, he just couldn't say "divorce" – _it wasn't that he didn't want to move forward with it_ – just saying it out loud sounded crude somehow, he said a silent prayer that she was ready.

"Yes, I suppose that's a good idea, no time like the present, right?" she smiled weakly.

Derek pulled a business card from his lab coat pocket and handed it to Addison.

"Here's my attorney's card," he said, his eyes catching hers. "Check your schedule, lets try to meet there one morning this week, okay? he asked softly.

"Sounds fine to me, I'll let you know when I'm free, and don't worry Derek, I know it's over, so … I won't, you know …."

With that she turned on her heel and sashayed away from him, her heels clicked purposefully down the hallway and then she rounded the corner and was gone. It always amazed him how she could wear heels for most of the day, maybe they weren't as uncomfortable as they looked when they fetched a four hundred dollar bounty per pair, per _pair_! Derek shook his head at the sheer ridiculousness of it.

***

Derek decided, all in all it had been a very good day up until now. First and foremost, Tressel survived the surgery. His boy Jake was a cutie pie, Derek mused – _and his wife, well she just wanted what was best for everyone_ – with a lot hard work Tressel should make a full recovery, even if he needed a second surgery. Derek was seated in the main lobby of the hospital waiting for Meredith. He looked up to the balcony of the large staircase and anticipated her arrival.

**8:01 PM**

Long ago, Derek planned to take Meredith to this bistro he heard about near the ferry docks, but Addison showed up and changed the course of their destiny – _if only he had that day to live over, that chance to take her out, things would have been different for them_ – sure it would have been difficult to earn her trust again after he told her the truth, but he was certain, time would have healed those wounds. _Time._

**8:03 PM**

He sat in that very chair again now, waiting for her to come down and start their second chance together. There was so much he wanted to tell Meredith, so much he wanted to promise her, but those serious things would need to wait _– wait until he was her only love_ – they could wait until Finn was safely out of the picture. He didn't want any more secrets between them; they had time, hopefully the rest of their lives. _Time._ He glanced down at his watch.

**8:05 PM**

The elevator chimed announcing its arrival, Derek looked, no Meredith, his chest tightened. His eyes swept up to the clock above the main staircase to check it against his watch and that's when he saw her out of the corner of his eye. She made her decent down the stairs and slowly walked towards him with a beautiful, genuine smile gracing her face and eyes. He glanced down at his watch and back up to her, it was …

… **8:06 PM and Derek Shepherd was in love.**

His breath hitched in his throat at the mere sight of her, he felt like his skin could melt right off of his bones. He stood to greet her and smiled. He was stunned by her beauty; she wore her hair down (_he loved her hair down_), a casual brown jacket with a nice knit top and a pair of jeans that hugged her in all the right places. He was quite certain she wasn't sporting anything he hadn't seen before, this was pretty typical Meredith-garb – _but she looked beyond stunning to him at this moment _– so much so he could barely find the words.

"You're here," he choked out as cupped the side of her face with his hand. "Thank God you're here," he laughed breathlessly as a lone tear slipped out of the corner of his eye and slowly made its descent down his face.

"Oh, Derek, don't okay, it's all okay," she walked into his warm embrace and tightened her hold on him. Her small frame added a level of serenity he never dreamed was possible.

He breathed into her hair, inhaling her familiar scent and was immediately comforted. He spoke into the crook of her neck. "I'm sorry, Meredith, just sorry, for everything, the gamut, just all of it, you amaze me – _you amaze me_," he tightened his hold.

He heard a stifled sob escape her lips and decided it was time to lighten the mood, but she beat him to it, pulling back from him – _all she had to do was look at him with her sparkling eyes and he knew it was okay_ – just like she said. His eyes locked on hers and he smoothed the back of her golden tresses with his hands.

"So, do you want to get out of here, I'm starving," she said with a big smile. "You know all I had today was _half _of my tuna salad sandwich," she teased.

He put his hand on the small of her back and lead her through the lobby and out of the double sliding doors. "And an amazing brain surgery, _not that you could consume that major brain surgery_, but nonetheless, I am sure it was worth that half of a sandwich you gave up with you know who …" he flirted, keeping his hand on her back and led her to his car.

_All he could think about was their second chance … it was all he ever dreamed of. _

_All he cared about was her happiness … it was all he ever wanted for her._

_All he wanted to do was kiss her senseless … it was all so surreal._

He opened the car door for her, but before she got in, she looked up at him through her lashes and smiled coyly. His hands were on her small hips immediately as if drawn by magnets, their proximity was intoxicating, the sheathe of that bubble he loved so much enveloped them – _all he saw was acceptance in her shining eyes_ – and he kissed her plump inviting lips.

_He kissed her long and hard and with every fiber of his being – she kissed him back with equal fervor – her lips were soft and inviting and sexy and sweet. He felt the kiss not only sear his lips, but his muscles, nerves, tissues, heart and soul. When they broke apart for air, Derek reached up and ran the pads of his fingers along the side of her beautiful face and then down to her chin and let his hand rest on the back of her neck. _

She stared at him in disbelief – _he liked to think little stunned herself_ – her eyes bore into his and the waiting tears tear popped out of her eyes and traveled down her face. He dutifully wiped them away.

"What was that for?" she asked quietly.

"Just in case I blow the date, I didn't want to miss that kiss, I've longed for it, dreamt about it … I missed your lips on mine," he all but whispered.

"Hmm…not possible, blowing the date, I mean … I'm already having the time of my life," she reached up and pecked him on the cheek and got into the car.

_Derek sighed in relief, not only did Meredith show up, but she wanted him, wanted to date him, which was more than he hoped for. Derek turned and walked with renewed optimism around the car. He has a smile on his face, a racing heart and who was he kidding … a hard on._

**Chapter 5 to follow.  
**


	7. Chapter 5, Colorblind

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. This song by the Counting Crows, well … it kind of speaks for itself, if you have the means listen to it, if you know the song, you can probably already hear it in your head … *sighs*. **

**Chapter 5 – ****Colorblind**

Lyrics for Counting Crows, "Colorblind:"

I am color...blind  
Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am  
taffy stuck, tongue tied  
Stuttered shook and uptight  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am...fine  
I am covered in skin  
No one gets to come in  
Pull me out from inside  
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding  
I am  
colorblind  
Coffee black and egg white  
Pull me out from inside  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am ready  
I am...fine  
I am.... fine  
I am fine

**Chapter 5 – Colorblind**

Derek rounded the corner after leaving Meredith's hospital room as quickly as he could. He was about to lose his faculties – _all of them_ – he felt like he was evaporating into nothingness, his knees buckled, unfolding with each step. He spotted the door to the stairwell and slipped inside unnoticed. He took a deep breath and the stale air filled his lungs. He broke out into a sweat and gripped the stair railing; he leaned over and peered down into the depths below him. He turned and headed down the stairs for the solace of the tunnels.

He needed to regroup or _something_, get a grip, or _anything_ to get away from his reeling mind and the incredible pounding of his heart.

His core was shaking like a feather in the wind.

_What did he do_, was all he could think as his feet barely passed over the steps …with a whisper, he chanted his new mantra … _what did he do, what did he do, what did he do_ …

_He walked away._

When his feet hit the last step he felt disoriented and sick to his stomach. He took his lab coat off with haste; he could feel the sweat covering him like a fine mist and when the cool air hit his bare skin, a long shiver coursed through the length of his body. He sat down on one of the unmade gurneys; silently thanking God no one was there, because he wouldn't have been able to hold it together for one more second if he had to make it somewhere else.

He covered his stinging eyes with his hands and tried to regulate his breathing. Sweat trickled down the sides of his face and he wiped it away with his bare hands. He inhaled a deep breath of the musty, yet odorless air. He was suffocating in misery and nothing was going to make that go away, bile rose to his throat without warning, his chest tightened, he placed a hand over his racing heart. He needed to think, he needed to absorb what he just did.

_He walked away._

He started the day believing his date with Meredith the evening before could have been the best date he'd ever been on in his life, in fact, he was pretty sure he never wanted to go on a date with anyone else _but_ Meredith Grey again. He expected to walk in and apologize to Meredith for botching said date and he had expected to woo her into giving him a chance for a "do-over first date". Things weren't perfect between them, but they were looking up.

The day was full of promise for many, Burke, his friend was bound to be cleared to hit the OR again and to top it off, he and Addison agreed to meet with the divorce attorney – _life was good_ – Addison was still guarded, but all in all, things _were_ looking up and yet …

_He turned away. _

The day had actually been hell and not at all what he planned for in his mind. Meredith's unexpected illness and her eventual appendectomy alone drove Derek to a new level of insecurity and agony. He could barely think straight while George was prepping her. He quickly finished everything he needed to do in order to monitor her surgery from the deserted gallery.

He sat there and watched the woman he loved as she was cut open, mended and sewn back together … every minute was heart-wrenching, every minute felt like one hour … his love, his life, his _everything_ was on that table – _run of the mill procedure or not_ – he was on pins and needles for the entire length of the surgery. He had barely blinked he was so intent on not missing one single snip or stitch. Discretely, Bailey nodded to him when they were finished and all he thought was that he could breathe again, his Meredith was fine … all was well, but then ...

_He __ran__ away._

There was no doubt in Derek's mind that he was capable of hurting Meredith again, much like Addison warned him he would _and_ that he was weighed down by baggage, much like the Chief insinuated he was.

Derek was quite certain all he had brought Meredith was pain and anguish and solitude since they met. Perhaps this was the case because Derek himself harbored pain and suffering when he met Meredith. At the time, he was a broken man, a lost man in unimaginable pain and agony brought on by Addison and Mark's betrayal.

He could barely say Mark's name and not want to punch him or throw up. And now Mark Sloan, the biggest liar and cheat on the face of the planet, not only had he wormed his way into his wife's panties all those months ago, but now he was _here_, and he had wormed his way into Grace and once again into Derek's life.

Derek meant what he said to Mark when he was here once before, he wasn't obligated to forgive him the way he was with Addison. The way Mark superciliously compared himself to Derek earlier – _it made his blood boil_ – he seethed with anger he didn't know he was capable of feeling. Derek had a _relationship_ with Meredith – _he loved her_ – and Mark … Mark. Fucked. Addison. _Pure and simple._ How on earth did Mark believe that what they did was the same, that _they_ were the same man?

_Derek's world had crumbled around him, everything snowballed out of control, the bad and ugliness of life made appearances and the brunt of it all fell upon his shoulders and the damage was done. His mind was deluged with images from the day … there was no escaping the realizations …they haunted him. His chest tightened with a pain so great, it could only be his heart breaking, shattering into oblivion._

All Derek had ever wanted was Meredith's happiness. This was the right decision, he was sure, she would be fine. He walked, turned and _ran_ away to allow her to live her life in peace – _whether it be with Finn or someone else_ – he wanted peace of mind for her. Finn would make her happy, he told himself; Finn was a man _worthy_ of Meredith, he scolded himself.

Then all he could think of was _Finn. _She would be fine with Finn. Finn would take care of her and love her. His chest tightened. A grumbling sob formed in his belly and came out of his mouth, he covered his hands to his face and felt nauseated and sick and ashamed and empty, and he had nothing left. He was fine. She would be fine.

_Finn, Finn, Finn._

Finn was a good man, a decent man, and an honest man. After his conversation with Finn, Derek knew for certain he wouldn't be capable of hurting Meredith, for Finn had lost his love already – _the love of his wife was snatched from him and Derek believed with his whole heart _– Finn would love Meredith better and with more fervor because of his previous loss. Finn had experienced real pain and heartache and lived to tell about it … _Finn_ was the better man and that broke Derek in a way he just had no words for.

Just as he had no words, only rage in his heart when he saw how Meredith looked that night at Finn's place. Was it a post-coital bliss? No, it was far worse, it was domestic, it was simple – _it was real_ – it wasn't at all like walking in on Addison and Mark, no _this_ was torturous.

_Seeing her coming down the stairs that night, freshly showered with her beautiful wet tresses, in nothing but his shirt – Derek felt sick, he felt loss, he felt pain and sorrow for what would never be – and he was stuck in a loveless, hopeless marriage … he had to __do__ something. _

Derek pushed himself back on the gurney and leaned his head against the window sill. He closed his eyes, tears escaped his lids. Derek knew that Finn was the catalyst for Derek's most recent round of rash decisions and his presence in Meredith's life only intensified those insane feelings of loss held in Derek's heart when he went back to Addison. He remembered it all so clearly.

_That night set off a series of events Derek regretted – jealousy – he had never been a jealous person, he had never acted out of jealousy in his life, except when it came to Meredith. Meredith made him feel like he had a brain tumor pressing on his frontal lobe, she took all his rationality and his methodology, and threw it out the window!_

_Without a rational thought in his head he had proceeded to insult the woman he loved, his soul mate, by suggesting she was a whore. As soon as he made the insinuation, he regretted it. He was angry, really angry – but not at her – he was just horrified to lose her to Finn! And later, those intense fears of losing her forced him to take action, take her as his own in the exam room at the prom when he had no right._

Again his actions and rash, one-dimensional decisions were the cause of unfathomable pain to both Meredith and Addison, not to mention himself. Why couldn't he get this right, why couldn't he be a _good – honorable – decent_ man his father would have been proud of?

He wanted to right his wrongs and releasing Meredith to Finn accomplished that – _at least that is what he was going to keep telling himself _– he wanted to restore is faith and dignity. He knew she was hurting now, right this very minute – _the look on her face told him she would be in pain over his decision _–but Finn would come back with the ice chips and she wouldn't be alone, she would never be alone …_she hadn't cut Finn loose so she must have wanted him around. _She would be fine. Derek would be fine and Meredith would be happy.

He closed his eyes again and the waiting tears popped out via their own accord and quickly traveled down his face. He left them there. He felt a tightening in his chest for the millionth time since he left Meredith's room. His skin was tingling with fever and he felt certain if he had to move he would melt away with agony. _He lost her, he didn't fight for her, he left her._ Addison was right after all – _he walked away_ – that's what he did, he wasn't man enough to stick around for the hard times, for the times when _he_ would be the one who was doubted and he would have to live with his decisions.

_Only this time he would be living without his soul mate, his lover, his best friend, Meredith Grey. _

Derek stifled a gut wrenching sob when without warning; he heard footsteps coming closer to his retreat. He took a deep breath in and relaxed only slightly when he saw Bailey round the corner.

"Oh, I thought I would be alone down here in the depths of hell," she said without hesitation.

"Yeah," was all he could muster. "I could leave," he added posthaste, wiping the remaining tears from his face.

"Nah, no need," she said as she sat down on the gurney next to his. "Wanna talk about it?"

"You don't want to hear about Bailey, trust me, it isn't work-related," he offered her an out, it was the least he could do.

"You really _don't_ have any friends, do you?" she said incredulously, yet without judgment.

"Do you really expect me to answer that?" he asked.

_She just looked at him expectantly and waited for him to answer with her brow arched in anticipation._

"Fine," he sighed. "I left Meredith. I walked away from her because I'm not man enough to fight for her and I didn't want to end up destroying her in the process," he blurted out with a sigh, but without relief. He looked at Bailey and just waited for her to tear into him.

"You're stupid!" she exclaimed, her big brown eyes, angry.

"Excuse me, compassionate is more like it," he said in defense.

"No. You're stupid and I'm gonna tell you two things and you're gonna listen me and then you're gonna know how stupid you really are!" she chastised him.

"First and foremost, you don't make choices for the woman in your life, _you don't_, and until you stop, you won't get anywhere!" she heaved. "Meredith can make up her own damn mind; did you at all stop to think that she might want _you_?" she asked sarcastically.

"Well, Bailey, that's not really the point, the point is –"

"The point _is_ Derek – _that life is about having people around you who you love_ – and who love you, that's all that matters, not perfection, not the fear of failure … it's bigger than that … bigger than you," she said as she locked his gaze intently.

"I'm not so sure it's that easy anymore, between us, I messed things up really badly … made lots of really poor decisions and I hurt her so much already," he choked out.

"You're afraid, right?" Bailey asked.

_She looked at him again, he wasn't going to get out of answering the question, man she was relentless._

"Yes," he confessed.

"Of what?" she prompted.

"I don't know … losing her … hurting her, losing her … _I'm terrified of hurting her and then losing her,_" he rambled on.

"Derek, no one is perfect, least of all Meredith Grey and she'd be the first one to tell you that. And if _she's_ not perfect and you love her anyway, why do _you_ have to be?" she asked simply.

"I'm damaged goods, I'm no good for her" he said flatly.

"We're all damaged goods, Derek," she sighed in reflection. "This is what life does to us, the thing we need to do is overcome the damage, perfect ourselves, learn from our mistakes … clearly you need some help in the last category," she teased.

"Clearly," he looked at her. "So, how did you get so smart, why did you come down here anyway, certainly it wasn't to play Dr. Phil," he said, trying to lighten the mood.

"No reason, just reflection, quiet, peace. I used to step into the Chapel, but my damn interns found out about that … _is no place sacred anymore_?" she heaved.

"No, I don't think so," he answered, feeling marginally better,

"So, what are you going to do?" she asked after a minute.

"I'm gonna file for the most amicable divorce in history and then I'm gonna pine over Meredith Grey until I work it all out for myself – _you know, keep a safe distance, watch and learn_ – and then I'm gonna try like hell to win back her trust," he replied.

"Well, good luck with that, one thing I know is, she does love you, for some strange ass reason, she _loves_ you," she wondered aloud.

_Derek stood for the first time since he sat down on the gurney. He felt light-headed, his legs felt rubbery, like he had been on a boat._

"Are you sure there isn't anything I can do for you?" he said in parting.

"Can you _wave a magic wand_ and give me some days off, 'cause if you can't, you're no good to me," she said, _and she was only half-kidding._

"I can't, but I can go out on a limb and tell you if you need a friend some time, I'm always available," he smiled for the first time in hours. "Thank you Miranda."

"Welcome, now get out of here; I got some thinking of my own to do."

"Yes, ma'am."

With that, Derek walked slowly up the stairs; he felt oddly at peace, there was something about Miranda Bailey and her spirit and honesty. She was a decent, honorable and good woman. And without notice, a fleeting thought ran through Derek's mind: _his father would have loved her._

_All would be fine._

_He would be fine._

_Meredith would be fine … Finn would be with her, for now._

What Bailey said was true, he shouldn't have taken Meredith's right to choose away from her, he thought he was making it easier for her, but in reality he was scared of losing her to Finn, it was easier to walk away than face the horror of her not choosing him like he did to her with Addison.

_He would watch and learn, he would finalize his divorce. In his heart of hearts he wanted things to work with Meredith and maybe, just maybe, what Bailey said was true – maybe Meredith did love him – maybe it wasn't over as much as it was about to begin._

**Chapter 6 to follow.**


	8. Chapter 6, Angel

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. **

**This chapter was inspired in part by a song called "Angel" by the talented Sarah ****McLachlan****.**** I really hope you enjoy it. **

**Chapter 6 - Angel  
**

Lyrics for Sarah McLachlan's "Angel":

Spend all your time waiting  
For that second chance  
For a break that would make it okay  
There's always one reason  
To feel not good enough  
And it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction  
Oh beautiful release  
Memory seeps from my veins  
Let me be empty  
And weightless and maybe  
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel  
Fly away from here  
From this dark cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage  
Of your silent reverie  
You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line  
And everywhere you turn  
There's vultures and thieves at your back  
And the storm keeps on twisting  
You keep on building the lie  
That you make up for all that you lack  
It don't make no difference  
Escaping one last time  
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh  
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel  
Fly away from here  
From this dark cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage  
Of your silent reverie  
You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort there  
You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort here

**Chapter 6 – Angel**

Derek slipped into the cool sheets of his bed, he glanced at the clock _– 11:58 PM_ – thank God; this disaster of a day was two minutes from being over. He had no idea how he survived, but he did. He managed to have the worst day in his personal history and walk straight out of Grace to his car without looking back. From there he managed to get himself to the liquor store and then promptly to the ferry and without incident he arrived _home_ to his safety net, his place of solace and worship and everything in between.

_This place was a blessing, his heaven on earth._

He glanced at the clock again and watched as it switched over to 12:00 AM. It was official, with a bit of booze and more mental acrobatics than he would want to admit to, he had survived.

As Derek stared up through the skylight he was suddenly overcome by the events of the day, his body melded into his bed. He was more than just tired and angry and spent – _he was in agony_ –agony he didn't know existed. _It was like living with a broken heart, one that hadn't been sutured and might never ever heal._ His chest splintered with pain and he took a deep breath and attempted to dispel the anxiety he shouldered all day. He had just showered, but had a feeling that no amount of scalding hot water and soap would have cleansed him well enough to clear his soul of its agony.

His eyes closed and he waited … waited for his angel Meredith to fill his head – _fill him up_ – dull the pain that raged in his heart. Meredith was his antidote – _his passion_ – his panacea for all the wrong in his life, undoubtedly, she still had a tight grasp on his soul, just one look into her beautiful green eyes earlier told him that much. But Derek remained hopelessly disparaged by Addison and Mark's betrayal … would their crimes _ever_ stop haunting him? Would they pull him down with them? He needed Meredith's distraction tonight; he longed to feel connected with her.

He begged for sleep to take him, begged for Meredith to whisk him away into a beautiful bliss of a dream where they would be happy and together, making love and following their fate and destiny. _Take me_, he begged, _take me_, he sobbed … but it was no use – _a couple of small tears escaped from his eyes and opened the flood gates_ – and without warning he was broken again.

_Destitute and alone. _

He was sure now sleep would evade him and not even thoughts of Meredith Grey would heal these wounds. _For his wounds ran deep … they were a decade of a wasted time in the making._ He slowly opened his eyes and peered through the skylight into the blackness of the night and allowed his mind to wander to the moments of the day he had tried so hard to push into oblivion since leaving the hospital.

***

"_It wasn't a one night stand," _

**Disoriented, he felt the sharp point of the knife pierce his racing heart.**

"_Mark wasn't a one night stand."_

**Confused, he felt the knife as it was twisted and turned without mercy.**

"_I was in love with him."_

**Relieved, the knife was removed, but with unrecognizable force, it was plunged so deep into him that it reached through his body and beyond.**

"_After you left, we lived together for two months"._

**Horror ripped through his body, the knife grinded to a halt, bile rose in his throat, the inevitable hemorrhaging began, and the vultures came.**

"_We're both equally liable."_

**Stunned, his blood ran cold and he began to bleed from the inside out.**

*******

Derek rolled over onto his side with a sob, crouched into a protective fetal position; his plentiful tears were unavoidable now. At one point or another, as mad as he was with Mark, Derek believed deep down he might have had it in him to forgive him – _not completely forget what happened _– but forgiveness was a possibility, except that now he didn't see it happening. And for the first time since Addison and Mark betrayed him, he felt like he truly had _lost_.

His marriage was over. He was divorced. His brother was a pompous ass who was, thanks to Richard, in his face all the time, _saying things_. He lost a second chance with the love of his life (he owned that mistake, but it didn't make it any less true though) … and he was alone and he hated it.

_Derek rolled over and turned on his light switch._

_Ugly memories flooded his veins …_

… _memories so ugly, no blood transfusion would rehabilitate his body. _

_He was broken. _

_He surveyed the room; no … sleep would not come …_

… _his mind was too full of the unimaginable disregard Addison and Mark must have had for him. _

_That complete and utter disregard they must have had for him puzzled Derek. Even if he was an absent husband, he didn't deserve their selfishness and cruelty! They were takers and Derek was sick and tired of takers! Take. Take. Take. Tears flooded his eyes and he let them fall. A deep sob choked him as he tried to distinguish it in his throat. He felt like a child who was betrayed by his best friend, it hurt the same now as it did when he was in grade school; we all have those feelings of inadequacy, we all remember our first betrayal. He felt small and vulnerable and weak! _

He sat up and opened the drawer to his bedside table. He reached way into the back and pulled out is worn copy of "The Sun Also Rises". He read this the story of the lost generation too many times to count, most recently he began to read it from the beginning a couple of months ago. Derek knew the story and his favorite lines by heart, but there was nothing like reading it from beginning to end, it was soothing and familiar – _something he could count on_ – something that held no surprises, but was still surprisingly painful to read.

He opened the book to the page with the book marker and something fell onto his lap. He was stunned for a split-second to find his photograph of Meredith with Doc. He picked it up and scrutinized it, her beautiful smiling face and eyes stared back at him. Doc was healthy. His breath hitched in his throat and a fresh tear blinded him before it slipped from his eye. He had forgotten he slid the photo into the book to keep it safe and protected from the life in which he was living. He had taken the photo on her birthday one morning when they took Doc for a walk. The photograph and his book were his prized possessions in life.

He laid the photograph on the bedside table and opened the book again. He scanned the page the book mark had rested in, his eyes fell on this passage:

"_**You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another. There's nothing to that."(Chapter II)**_

_How apropos_, Derek thought wryly. Jake Barnes was right, when Derek moved from New York to Seattle to start fresh, he was misguided and his problems – _Addison and Mark_ – just followed him. Derek felt certain he could have made a new beginning with Meredith this time though, not completely new – _but if any two people could have the capacity to start over_ – it would be _Meredith and Derek_, it was all a matter of timing – _and trust and love_ – but the timing for sure had to be right, and so far that had eluded them.

Derek's mind wandered to his parents and their story of finding each other, although it wasn't so much of a story, it was more like the stuff that legends are made from. His mother was engaged to be married when she met his father on the steps at the duck pond one day. He stole her breath as she stared into his sparkling blue eyes. His mother loved the man she was engaged to with her whole heart, but as she would say later, she didn't love him with her _soul_.

Derek leaned back onto his pillows and pulled the comforter around him. He allowed the story to fill his mind and heart, he hadn't thought about their story in years, maybe since the week of his own wedding when he had a split-second of doubt flash through his mind about marrying Addison. _Boy, he wished he had the balls not to have walked down that aisle,_ he thought sardonically.

Derek's mother met his father and in him she found her soul mate. In an instant, her world as she knew it collided with her revelation. She felt crazed, within a week she was supposed to be at the altar, she couldn't possibly break her promise – _go back on her word_– hundreds of people were expected … it was slated to be the social event of the spring!

She lasted for a mere twenty four hours – _one day_ – without Derek's father by her side. The very next day she spoke with the man she was engaged to – _she told him their timing was off_ – she told him she had looked into the eyes of another man and found _her_ soul.

Her fiancé demanded to know when she met this other man, for he did not believe in love at first sight, true love or even soul mates. His stance was that love took work and compromise and was not in any shape or form, _a miracle_. His mother would always say a shiver ran down her spine as he said those words to her and in that moment, she knew he was right – _loving __him__ wasn't a miracle _– but falling in love with her soul mate was nothing short of _miraculous_.

His mother handed her engagement ring back to him without a word and ran to find her destiny – _and against all odds and all that her family expected_ – she took her leap of faith. According to her, there was not one day she regretted her decision, even with Derek's father's passing so young, she knew it was worth it, for she had lived with peace in her heart, never having to wonder what could have been.

Derek sighed, he left the book mark where it was and closed it. If things were ever more concrete, more solid between he and Meredith, well then he wouldn't hesitate to introduce these two remarkable women. He sighed and smiled slightly. He took the photograph of Meredith and Doc and inserted it back into the book; he would have to remember to show her that photo one day. He glanced at the clock, no longer caring what time it was, he felt better remembering _timing was everything_.

He switched off his bedside lamp and closed his eyes and he saw her – _a glimmer at first, and then her whole shining face_ – his beautiful Meredith. His mind drifted to the first time he had seen her yesterday on the steps at the hospital, she looked radiant and happy and he hadn't realized how much he missed her. She did look good, more than good – _without her appendix_ – he smiled at the thought.

When he asked Meredith about her pain earlier, he felt certain she knew he wasn't asking about her physical pain at all … and she seemed happy – _but a flicker of something else crossed over her eyes_ – of course now he knew she wanted to get her nerve up to tell him about breaking things off with Finn.

Derek didn't know why he didn't embrace her in the elevator when she finally did tell him she was free; he supposed it was the timing of it all. If he had reached over and embraced her like he truly wanted to, she would have been hugging a broken man – _an angry man_ – and he wasn't about to allow Addison and Mark to taint his reunion with her. He needed to clear his head; he needed to take some time. All in due time – _timing was everything_ – his mother was certainly right about that.

Sleep came for Derek and again he dreamed that beautiful dream with his angel Meredith surrounded by those magical flickering lights, their origin still unknown – _her wild, passionate expression still adorned her face _– her named rolled off his tongue again, _Meredith_, and then he began to walk slowly towards her maintaining his gaze upon his prize – _her green eyes sparkled in the shadows created by the lights_ – his the overwhelming need to kiss her raged in his heart … she was within his reach now and he saw her eyes soften with anticipation – _and then he kissed her_ – he kissed her long and hard and with purpose and he finally felt peace and calm in his heart and drifted off into a deep, weightless sleep.

**Chapter 7 to follow.**


	9. Chapter 7, Ghost Story, Part 1 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. **

"**Ghost Story" by Sting is beyond one of my all time favorite songs, I could listen to it over and over and over again and did so when I was constructing this piece. If you are not familiar with this song, find it. Listen to it. Love it.**

Lyrics for Sting's "Ghost Story":

I watch the Western sky  
The sun is sinking  
The geese are flying South  
It sets me thinking

I did not miss you much  
I did not suffer  
What did not kill me  
Just made me tougher

I feel the winter come  
His icy sinews  
Now in the fire light  
The case continues

Another night in court  
The same old trial  
The same old questions asked  
The same denial

The shadows closely run  
Like jury members  
I look for answers in  
The fire's embers

Why was I missing then  
That whole December  
I give my usual line:  
I don't remember

Another winter comes  
His icy fingers creep  
Into these bones of mine  
These memories never sleep

And all these differences  
A cloak I borrow  
We kept our distances  
Why should it follow I must have loved you

What is the force that binds the stars  
I wore this mask to hide my scars  
What is the power that pulls the tide  
I never could find a place to hide

What moves the Earth around the sun  
What could I do but run and run and run  
Afraid to love, afraid to fail  
A mast without a sail

The moon's a fingernail and slowly sinking  
Another day begins and now I'm thinking  
That this indifference was my invention  
When everything I did sought your attention

You were my compass star  
You were my measure  
You were a pirate's map  
A buried treasure

If this was all correct  
The last thing I'd expect  
The prosecution rests  
It's time that I confess: I must have loved you

**Chapter 7 – Ghost Story – Part 1**

Derek awoke with a start just as he had every day for the past six days, only today he was afraid to look at the clock, it had to be early, too early to wake up on his day off – he was actually off – and for once in his life he was not looking forward to it.

A whole day off with nothing to do but berate himself for the mess he had made of his life, to stare at his cell phone and dare himself to call Meredith, to just _think, think, think_ until it would be a decent hour to drink. When _was_ that magical hour anyway, he thought dryly. With that he rolled over and glanced at the clock – _4:16 AM_ – just on the right side of bearable, he sighed and sat up in bed.

At least he had slept a little later every day this week, the shock of Addison and Mark's most recent round of insurmountable torture was beginning to ebb and the wounds in his heart were starting to heal. As luck would have it, they too seemed to be wary of him so he didn't have to do too much dodging while at work. It seemed they were finally getting the message: he didn't want anything to do with them. _Ever. Again._

Derek switched on his bedside lamp and grabbed the small dropper of Visine. He squirted some into the inner corner of each eye, he sighed with instant relief. And then there was Meredith, he smiled. Meredith who he loved more than anyone else – _he wanted to call her so badly_ – but he just couldn't, not yet anyway. He was trying to do things right for once in his life, he didn't want to weigh her down with his troubles, he didn't want to use her as a _buoy_, he wanted to stand in front of her – _a whole and healed man_ – and ask her to give him another chance.

Meredith had saved his life once already – _it was high time he saved himself_ – he needed reflection and a safe distance from her while he healed the internal injuries inflicted by Addison and Mark's betrayal. There was no other way for him to get ready. He couldn't possibly get that fresh start he had been looking for without some time alone, some time to reflect and put himself on trial for his own crimes and transgressions.

He was not the good and decent man he projected, but he longed to be with every fiber of his being. He had caused sufferable harm to Meredith and to Addison (via his emotional affair with Meredith), and even if Addison was selfish and wrong, he could have avoided all of this if he demanded a divorce from her once he left New York. But instead, he ran, he was so pissed and humiliated and broken and he just had to run from her and Mark and all the evil they represented.

Sleep was a hopeless dream at this point and with that Derek got out of bed. He grabbed a cashmere pullover and put it on. He made his way to the small kitchen and started his coffee. He walked back to his closet and pulled out a pair of boxer briefs and some jeans. He untied his pajama pants and let them fall to the ground; he slipped the briefs and jeans on, grabbed a fresh pair of socks and headed back to the kitchen. He sat down and put his hiking boots on, stood and looked outside the window, almost time …almost.

He donned his jacket, filled a mug with some coffee and exited the trailer. The cool, damp air hit him like a wall; he sipped his coffee, the steam from his cup spiraled upward into the fresh air. He sighed and could see his hot breath, _he was still breathing_, after everything was said and done, _he was still breathing_, he did have his land, he did have Seattle and he would eventually be blessed enough to have Meredith Grey in his life once again.

He considered sitting on the porch step, but decided against it, instead he turned due east and headed down towards the clearing. Dawn was just about to break; he left the flashlight by the door. All he could hear was the whisper of the leaves of the Douglas firs dancing with the light wind. The cold morning earth was covered with a light frost; it crunched and crackled under his heavy footsteps.

He neared Doc's grave and a fleeting thought raced in and out of his mind – _he wasn't truly alone_ – it felt good to have Doc buried here on his land with him forever and always, especially since Meredith loved him so much, "Hey Buddy", he said as he walked by.

Derek smiled and made his way down to the water. He stopped near a cluster of fir trees. He leaned his back up against the trunk of one and just waited. Any minute now, he coached himself. He took another sip of his coffee and relaxed his muscles like he had every morning so far this week. He let his mind wander _– without control_ – he was transported in time, his eyes closed.

_He could see Meredith in the distance, standing on the mezzanine level at the hospital; he approached her slowly so he could stare at her quiet beauty. He could see her eyes sparkling as she looked out over the horizon through the expansive glass window wall. She was leaning on her forearms against the glass railing. He remembers she took his breath away as he walked slowly towards her; she was so beautiful it almost hurt, then, as if on cue, she turned to him and his heart skipped a beat._

_He walked up to her and stood next to her and although his forearm barely touched hers, he felt an invisible pull on his heart strings – _something he should have been used to_ –something he would never grow tired of. He looked at her from the corner of his eye._

"_I can't believe you would consider moving out of your trailer. The view alone …" her sweet voice trailed off._

"_See the mist rise off the lake …" he finished her thought._

_"Yeah."_

_"Yeah," he paused and answered her unasked question. "I'm not moving." She looked at him knowingly, and boy did she __know__._

With that, Derek opened his eyes and saw that beautiful sunrise – _the mist easing off the lake_ – every morning, without fail, it was like an opera curtain opening to reveal a glorious stage set. The cool air invoked an involuntary shiver that shot through his body, officially waking him up. Derek took the last sip of his coffee, now on the cold side. He shook the mug out.

He turned and headed back to the trailer, once inside, he got rid of the cup and decided he should do something, fish maybe, but he would need to get some supplies first. He exited the trailer again and got into the car and drove down the bend and over his property line. He made his way to a small bait and tackle shop in the nearby town about fifteen minutes away.

Thank God he didn't sell this place, it was his heaven on earth, just that he could walk out and fish anytime he wanted should have been enough, but it wasn't just that – _it was everything_ – the whole package, the infinite possibilities, the untouched nature, the wealth of space.

His job kept him on his feet all day and he had to be on top of his game _all _day, every day lives depended on him, and quite frankly, he came to depend on this place. He _needed_ this place for solace and reflection and he wondered how he lived in that vacuum of a life back in New York for so long. How did he cope? How did he release the tension? Maybe he never really did.

Damn he remembers how good it felt to tell Meredith he wasn't planning to move out of the trailer that day, because in all honesty, only she would have understood.

***

_He remembered every minute of the night be brought Meredith out to the trailer for the first time, he was nervous, _beyond_ nervous. What would she think? How would he explain himself? He was worried because he felt like he was falling in love with Meredith Grey and what if, what if, she expected more than this, a trailer in the middle of nowhere, what if she wasn't ready to see him as _this_ man? _

_She already wanted more from him and he was prepared to give her more, he was, what he said earlier that week was the truth, they were in a relationship, _he_ would term it a relationship. There was no doubt in his mind he wanted this relationship with Meredith, a very long relationship. But he was also scared, scared that the truth would destroy her, and ultimately it did, it broke her, _he_ broke her. _

_He remembered driving towards the ferry boat dock with her, he could tell she was excited or nervous, kind of like finally being tall enough to go on the big kids' roller coaster, but then having to stand in line and watch the roller coaster zoom over the tracks, while the nervous excitement seeped in, Meredith looked kind of like that. She smiled and squeezed his hand as the tires crossed over the ferry threshold._

_Once on the ferry boat, they made their way up to the helm. It was dark and cold outside, but that did nothing to dampen the fire that burned in his heart. The way she looked with the wind raging through her hair, it made her look wild and carefree. Derek stood in back of her as she peered over the side of the railing. He put his chin on her shoulder and hands on the railing, effectively boxing her in. _

_Her floral scent swirled with the natural salt of the earth and water and intoxicated his senses. He felt high and nervous and excited and scared. She turned her head and kissed him sweetly on his cheek. His skin seared to her touch, first warming his cheek, then his heart, then his core … he was rock hard in a matter of minutes._

"_So, where are you taking me, Derek?" she asked playfully, the sexy timbre of her voice calming his nerves._

"_Patience, patience, all in due time, I want to show you something." _

"_Is this like a 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours, kind of thing', because, I can _feel_ yours, and I got to tell you, it might be a bit too cold out here for me to show you mine …" she said as she turned around in his arms._

"_You felt that, did you?" he smiled._

"_Hmmm, I did, a little hard to miss," she flirted, bringing her hand down to caress his cock through his pants._

_And then he kissed her senseless, because there was nothing else to say, no words could express how he was feeling, with her hair blowing in the wind and her eyes wild with that playful mischief he loved so much, only kisses would suffice. _

_He deepened the kiss and she moaned with pleasure into his mouth. Without moving his mouth from hers, Derek untied the waistband of her ecru cashmere coat, letting it fall open ever so slightly. He took one hand and snaked it around her tiny waist, he brought her flush against him, he felt the warm soft flesh of her lower back and she gasped at his cool touch._

_Derek unclasped her bra and let her beautiful breasts relax, he brought his hands to her abdomen and made his way up to her breasts and gently ran his the pads of his thumbs over her nipples. They hardened to his touch and the thought of running his tongue over those beautiful raspberry pleasure points, only made him even harder. She squirmed in delight and broke away from the kiss only to lean back against the ferry railing. _

"_Careful, careful, you could fall," he said breathlessly. She opened her eyes and gazed at him, Derek could see the small white caps form as the water hummed below them, he diminished the space between them in an instant, hugging her close. _

"_You'd catch me though, you could be my knight in shining, you know …" her sexy voice trailed off as she captured his lips in hers for another round of all consuming kisses. He kissed her deep, damn he wanted to take her right then and there, he didn't care less who would see them – there was just something about Meredith – something that made him feel, well, not normal._

"_You bet I would, anything for you," he said and he meant it, there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for her. They stared into each other's eyes, the protective bubble he loved so much came, and nothing else mattered._

_The ferry began to dock. Derek hugged her again and reached up to refasten her bra. He tied her coat and pecked her on the nose and they made their way back to the warmth of the car. _

_He remembered daring himself over and over and over again to tell Meredith about Addison that night, but then they got to the property and he was so nervous that she was going to run in the opposite direction once they got there, that he didn't. There was no excuse for his actions, he was already in love with her by then, he should have respected her enough to be truthful with her._

_Then, when he told her where they were and pointed to the GulfStream, she smiled, her eyes twinkled, she held her hand out to him in acceptance and it took all he had not to melt with relief. He wanted to spill his guts out and tell her everything … but they made love instead. _

_When he awoke the next morning, he couldn't have been happier in his life, it was like a beautiful dream that he just couldn't wake up from, nor did he want to. Ever. He kissed her bare shoulder, her alabaster skin glowed in the pre-dawn morning light, she rolled over towards him and closed the small distance between them. He put his arms protectively around her._

"_Don't wake me up," she pleaded softly. "I don't ever want to wake up, I love it here Derek, I love it …," her voice trailed off, everything was quiet for a beat._

"_Me too," was all he could say, a big smile plastered to his face._

"_You can kiss me though, you can keep kissing me, kiss me everywhere …," she demanded softly._

"_What if I want to show you something first?" he all but whispered._

"_Derek, you're hopeless," she sighed breathlessly._

"_Not __that__, I mean, I could show you that, but I wasn't talking about that, come on …" he kissed her neck relentlessly with teeny tiny kisses, tickling her._

"_Derek, that tickles!" she giggled._

"_I know, but it's a good way to wake up, come on," he pleaded._

_She looked up at him through her lashes, her green eyes sparkled in amusement. "You know tickling is the most basic form of torture, you do know that don't you?"_

"_Nope, I didn't, sorry, but I really want to show you something," he glanced at the clock. "And if we don't get you dressed right now, you're gonna miss it!"_

"_Fine, what are you so excited about?" she looked at the clock. "Seriously Derek, it's not even five yet, you do know I'm off today … you do remember I am an intern, right?"_

"_Yes," he chuckled. "But I really want you to see this, __I__ want to see this with __you__, we can sleep again in a little while, please Meredith," he pleaded. _

_Derek got out of bed and quickly got dressed. Meredith stayed in the bed and watched him, he looked over at her and smiled widely, she smiled and without words he could see she was more than happy and content. He gathered her clothing from the foot of the bed and grabbed an extra sweater for her. _

"_Come on," he said with a big smile. "Trust me, you don't want to miss it," he took her hand and pulled her from the warmth of the bed._

"_It's freezing in here!" she yelped and began to get dressed as quickly as she could._

"_Sorry, sorry, I'll turn on the little heater," he did so and went into the kitchen to start the coffee. He around and Meredith was at his heels._

"_Hug me, I'm cold."_

"_Yes ma'am, it's the least I can do," he kissed the top of her head and smoothed her wild tresses with his fingers, she moaned in sleepy pleasure. He turned back to the coffee pot with Meredith in his arms and without letting go of her, he managed to get the coffee into the mugs._

"_Ready?"_

"_As I'll ever be," she answered without missing a beat. He handed her a mug and they stepped outside the trailer, he took her hand and led her down through the clearing to the edge of the water. She hugged him close and he would have it no other way, he was truly in heaven, heaven on earth. _

"_Oh, Derek," she sighed as the sky started to lighten before them. _

_She held her coffee cup and he could see her watching the world come to life, he could see her future – maybe even __their__ future – full of infinite possibilities, her eyes were shining. She closed them and small tears popped out and traveled down her face. His eyes began to sting at the sight of her and he pulled her even closer. She wiped her tears away quickly._

_The sun had come up beyond the thick morning clouds, it made the lake look like a glassy ice skating rink, one hard enough to walk on, like you could just take one step out there and well, __walk on the water__. The mist started to rise from the water, but between the sky and the mist, there was no beginning and no end – earth and water and air and sky – melded together and it was glorious, magical, and truly breathtaking. _

"_Derek … I …thank you, thank you for waking me up," she said quietly._

_He bent down and put their coffee mugs on the ground and stood up and kissed her. Her lips felt cool but inviting, she tasted of coffee, he swept his tongue into her warm mouth and pumped her lips. She deepened the kiss and brought her hands up and caressed his skull through his hair, her hands went down to his waist and she tugged on waistband of his jeans, her cool fingers shocked his skin. _

"_Meredith, this is my perfect morning, I just love it out here, but I love it even more because you do," he choked out as he hugged her._

"_I do, I do love it … this is heaven on earth Derek," she sighed._

_All he could was nod with a knowing smile. Meredith stared out over the lake, then she turned to him suddenly, her mischievous smile in tow, her green eyes began to smolder into that wild, passionate color he loved so much. _

"_What?" was all he could muster._

"_I think we need to go in the water, it's calling for us, we should go in and –"_

"_Meredith, it's freezing, it's not calling for us, it's –"_

"_Oh Derek, you only live once, the mist, it's so inviting, it is, isn't it … plus once we get in and move around, we won't feel it!"she squealed with excitement._

_Derek was stunned as Meredith began to untie her shoes._

"_You're serious?"he asked incredulously._

_Suddenly clothing was flying every which way, she yelped as the cool air hit her skin, but she was radiant and excited. Lastly she took her shirt and the sweater he had given her off at once. She stood before him naked and closed the distance between them. She was flush up against him and he could feel her body heat as it radiated off her glowing skin. She tested the weight of her breasts in her hands, moving her thumbs over her nipples. She took his hands and brought them up to replace hers, her perfect raspberry nipples puckered even harder under his touch. He was a goner._

_She reached up and he could feel her hot breath breeze past his ear. "I want you," was all she whispered. He felt like the ground dropped out from beneath his feet, his knees buckled and his cock hardened as if on command._

_With that she made a mad dash for the water. Derek stood there and smiled, tears came to his eyes for some reason. She yelped in the cold, invigorating water and then she was gone. She was a beautiful swimmer – __a good swimmer__ – she stroked with precision – like a seasoned swimmer –her movements were nothing short of breathtaking. He could see the perfect globes of her ass cheeks in the gray water as she swam further and further away from him. Her beautiful arms as they came up and out of the water, strong and purposefully. She was gorgeous out there; he could have watched her breast stroke … forever. She stopped and turned towards him, tenaciously treading in the water._

"_How come I'm here and you're still there?" she called to him, her eyes sparkling. "I said I wanted you, isn't that enough?"_

_In the distance, he could see her nipples bobbing in and out of the murky water, she smiled. God she must be cold was all he could think as he tossed his clothing aside, made his way to the water's edge and dove in for his prize. _

_The water was more than cold; it felt like small icicle knives piercing his flesh, everywhere, there was no way to get away from it. He swam as fast as he could towards Meredith. He reached her within a minute._

"_I knew you couldn't resist," was all she could say before he devoured her lips with his. He held her and kissed her with more passion and abandon than he had kissed anyone before in his life. He stood and held her in his arms. She felt warm and inviting and sexy and sinful. She wrapped her legs around his hips and his cock instinctually found her warm, soft and slick folds. Without another word he entered her swiftly, filling her up._

"_Oh, Derek," she clenched her delicate muscles around his throbbing cock. _

"_Tell me what you feel," he said, his voice shaky with emotion._

"_You feel … I feel …you feel cold and hard and …,"she looked into his eyes with her passionate ones. "Fill me up Derek, deeper, harder, just fill me … completely," she heaved quietly into their space._

_And so Derek did just that, he thrust upwards and Meredith clenched around him. He knew he wouldn't last long, not with the intensity of the warm caverns of her core. Every time he moved out of her he could feel the cold water shock his cock, the little splinters of ice cold water attacked him, but as soon as he was out, he was back in, he was safely home. She was warm; she devoured him, fitting around him like a glove._

_All he could hear were her moans of pleasure as they were intensified by the sound of the splashing water. All he could see was the mist around them and the murky water as it reacted to their movements. He reached down and pressed his thumb onto her clit. She gasped with pleasure and tortured pain._

"_Derek, not yet, I don't want to, not yet …," she muttered._

_He removed his thumb and brought his hands up to her sides. She tightened her legs around his waist; she clenched her muscles around him again with full force. He nipped at her neck, collarbone, ear lobes, covering any skin within his reach with kisses. He ducked his head down and swept his warm tongue over the cool hard peaks of her ripe nipples. He bit down ever so slightly and Meredith gasped with pleasurable bliss._

_Her walls began to tighten around him more intensely that he ever remembered. "I'm close, Meredith, please, I'm close, I want to cum with you, please," he pleaded with her._

_There was no waiting now, the intense pressure was building for the both of them and he suddenly looked into her eyes, they were so deep and wild, he could get lost, they went on forever and ever. She looked so beautiful, his bottled emotions were uncorked and with everything he had he longed to be even deeper within her depths._

_Derek picked her up and brought her down hard on his cock, he did this several times in rapid succession and Meredith thrashed her body in the water, anticipating his every move. He was ready to explode and Meredith clenched around him … they simultaneously released into each other, grabbing for each other to keep it all, to hold on to the unearthed emotions. He reached up and cupped her face in his hands; he stared deep into the eyes of his life preserver, his Meredith, his angel. _

_Without warning he exploded, he could feel his warm seeds spraying against her cervix and beyond. He could feel the warmth of their fluids around them as it flushed back into the cool water. Meredith was always a more than generous lover and he could tell she wanted more and deeper, without words her eyes told him she wanted it all: mind …body …spirit. A flash coursed through him at that moment: could she possibly be in love with him? She gazed at him through her eyelashes; she smiled as her post orgasmic bliss overcame her. _

_He was without words, Meredith collapsed against him. Their breathing became regulated and with strength he didn't know he had, Derek began walking her towards the shore, his softened cock popped out of her. The cool water felt like a betrayal to him after being submersed in her hot core for so long. He looked into her eyes again as his feet eventually made land fall. _

_He still held her cold, naked body to him and bent down to gather up their clothing, making a mental note to come back for the mugs. He started to walk quickly towards the trailer when Meredith spoke quietly._

"_Derek look …," Meredith sighed._

_He turned around to look at the lake. The mist was there – hovering – it all looked so peaceful and serene._

"_It's like we were never there, it's all the same, it's like we were … ghosts."_

"_Hmmm, yes," was all he could get out. He looked into her eyes, she was happy and sated and without a shadow of doubt in his mind, he was in love with her. _

_He raced with her in his arms towards the warmth of the trailer. He crossed through the door and dropped her in the bed. She laughed and he covered her with the duvet. He started the shower for her and came back, throwing on some clothing. He ran his hand through his hair and looked at her. Her bright eyes were shining, her cheeks flushed and she looked absolutely stunning. He smirked at her and checked the water again._

"_It's ready for you," he said, never taking his eyes off of her, the sight of her in his bed._

"_I'm warm now, I don't want to move," she pouted._

"_Meredith, this trailer isn't equipped to waste hot water, come on!" he encouraged with a chuckle._

"_Only if you come with me," she said as she got out of bed. _

"_Meredith, have you __seen__ the size of that shower?"he asked pointedly._

"_Doesn't matter, I want you in there with me," she demanded with a smirk._

_She walked around the bed and into the small bathroom, taking his hand in hers as she walked by. Derek stripped and joined her. They stood close together as the hot water cascaded around their bodies. He turned her around and lathered her body with soap. He felt her smooth skin and supple body as it began to warm to a more normal temperature._

_Meredith turned around and faced him; she swept her long slender fingers over his temple and cupped his face in her hands._

"_Derek, don't ever sell this land," she requested quietly. "Promise me you won't – I don't usually ask for promises – but just this one time, please don't ever sell it or move … just please make that promise."_

_A small tear popped out of her eye and he wiped it away with the pad of his thumb, he kissed her and her tongue swept into his mouth. He could feel the warmth from her kiss and hot water aside; it was _her_ kiss that warmed him from the inside out._

"_I promise," was all he said._

***

Derek pulled out of his reverie and up to the bait and tackle shop. He would never forget that day. Addison showed up only three days after that and the dream of it all, the ghost story would be gone – _but not forgotten_ – the memories would never sleep. Derek collected himself and got out of the car with a sigh and went in to see about those fishing supplies.

**Chapter 7 – Ghost Story – Part 2 of 2**


	10. Chapter 7, Ghost Story, Part 2 of 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. **

**Chapter 7 – Ghost Story – Part 2 of 2**

Derek pulled the door open of the bait and tackle shop aptly called, _Hook, Line & Sinker_. He loved this place, it was musty, dimly lit, dingy and dirty but most importantly, it was a far, far cry from the sterile environment he spent most of his time in.

The bell above the door chimed announcing his arrival. He headed straight back to the counter, where, just like every time he had been in the place, the owner Billy Jacobsen sat. He raised his head and peeked over the rims of his thick bifocal glasses when he finally heard Derek's footsteps.

"Ah, Dr. Shepherd, it's nice to see you … did they finally give you a day off brain man?" he asked, his voice, deep and cheerful.

"Yes sir, they did, but remember, it's just Derek."

"Right, right," he turned halfway around and in a louder voice than necessary, called for his wife, "Margie, Dr. or ah … Derek Shepherd is here!"

Derek smiled warmly, he really did like Billy. He was a good guy, a genuine guy. He had to be about eighty years old and he was still going strong, we should all be so lucky, Derek thought wryly.

Billy had a certain rustic cowboy quality to him; Derek liked to think he was a cross between the Marlboro man and Clint Eastwood when he was a younger. His hearing was going, but he once told Derek he wouldn't dream of getting an aide, touting they were for "pansies" and the world was just too "damned loud" anyway.

Billy removed his glasses and curled his leathery pointer finger up and motioned for Derek to come closer. Derek obliged and when he was close enough, Billy began to speak conspiratorially to him in his ear. "You know Derek, Margie has a crush on you," he smiled devilishly.

Derek raised his brow and for lack of something better to say, he answered. "Well, now Billy, how do you know that?"

"For Christ's sake Derek, we've been married for sixty years, _as in six-oh_, you got it, the woman doesn't shut up, she tells me everything!" he cracked himself up. Derek smiled and just watched him laugh.

"Plus, it's fun for her, she oohs and ahhs to all the ladies at her weekly bridge game … my Margie, she's feisty, she thinks making those other ladies swoon over you and your perfect coif makes them lose sight of what's _really_ important."

Derek just stood there, his cheeks blushed a little involuntarily. "Which is?" he asked hesitantly.

"Winning the fucking bridge game!" he answered smartly.

Derek chuckled loudly, "Well, I won't tell her you told me, you know, a gentleman never talks."

"Are you saying I'm not a gentleman?"

"Something like that," Derek deadpanned.

With that Margie Jacobsen rounded the corner. "Dr. Shepherd, what a nice surprise!" she cooed.

"Derek, dear, you can call him Derek," Billy announced with an air of authority.

Derek had to admit; she was a beautiful older woman and must have been a real knockout in her youth. She had her long gray hair pulled back in a tight bun and for once Derek could see the long lean line of her neck. She was tall and graceful and regal. Derek smiled genuinely, her secret safe with him.

She smiled warmly and placed the new rod he had ordered on the counter. The rod was quite possibly one of the most beautiful tangible things Derek had ever seen. He couldn't hold back his smile even if he wanted to; it suddenly felt like Christmas morning, or something close to it, he felt a certain joy in his heart for the first time in weeks.

"Good morning Margie, thank you so much," Derek picked the rod up, this wasn't just any rod, this was a _St. Croix Legend Elite Fly Rod_, titanium plated, built to last, unmatched by the competition – _the best of the best_ – the cream of the crop. He felt more masculine just by holding it in his hands. He smiled widely and looked up to see the Jacobsen's watching him intently.

"It's pretty … magical, isn't it?" Billy inquired with a sidelong smile.

"Yeah, it's … perfect, it's gorgeous, it's … I can't wait to use it," Derek answered quietly.

"Oh, well Derek," Margie said as scanned his eyes, "How are you? Do you need anything else? How did my cayenne pepper idea work on those 'coons …?"

"You look different Derek, better, not so sallow or glum, not so serious," Billy interrupted her barrage of questions.

"Yes, that's it, Derek you do, you look quite … what's the word …tranquil," she agreed.

"You met a woman, right, or just got rid of one you couldn't stand, am I right?" Billy interjected.

"Something like that … one from each category actually," Derek chuckled. He raked his hand through his unruly hair. He looked at the Jacobsen's and smiled, he realized they expected him to elaborate.

"Well, the new one, she isn't completely new, but she's willing to give me another chance, I think, I hope. I made some really awful mistakes – _well, that's an understatement_ –but it's … complicated, I wish I just knew for sure, that I had a chance, I could use some direction, or a sign, frankly I'm afraid to love … _afraid to fail_ … but this woman, the new one, she's fearless," Derek said evenly.

"You're happy though, it doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure that out …," Billy smiled and his voice trailed off at the obvious humor in his choice of words.

"Well, do you want some unsolicited advice?" Margie asked softly.

"You can try to decline Derek, but you may as well pull up a chair," Billy chided. Derek looked to him with an amused smile.

"May I continue now," Margie eyed Billy. "Hold on to the new one and let the bad memories from the old one …well, just let them go," she looked right into Derek's eyes and took one of his hands in her leathery ones. "It's all you can do, it's all any of us can do. Sure, put yourself on trial, learn from your mistakes – _but move on_ – don't harbor the fear of failure. Otherwise you'll never be able to heal with the new one, if you've hurt her already you'll have to earn her trust again. By trusting her to do that _– to earn __your__ trust again_ – and not deciding for her … she'll see you've come a long way and she'll meet you somewhere in the middle –_that's your sign, when she meets you in the middle_ – you'll just know, she'll extend her hand to you. You have to trust her though; it's a must for any relationship … I don't have to tell you that."

"Wow, she's good," Derek smiled at Billy.

"Ah, too much Oprah!" Billy said and they all laughed.

"Thanks Margie, it makes perfect sense, trust was … well _is_ definitely lacking, but she's worth it, the new one, she's completely worth it, waiting for the trust, building it, I get it, wait for the sign, let her be willing," Derek said with appreciation.

Billy and Margie both smiled and Derek felt good, he felt better when he had walked in earlier, but now, he felt oddly relieved, maybe to just be able to talk to someone who did not know all the gory details of how much he fucked up made a difference, he didn't feel as bad … at the moment.

"I told him about your crush Margie," Billy all but blurted out, pulling Derek from his thoughts.

She gasped in mock surprise. "You old geezer, of course you did, you never could keep a damn secret!" Margie looked Derek in the eyes; she was in no way embarrassed, the three of them laughed together.

Derek enjoyed the Jacobsen's company, not because they were a distraction – _and Lord knows he needed distraction_ – but more because they were proof that two people could be very different in temperament and still be married for more than half of their lives to date. They gave him hope without even trying.

A good hour later, Derek bid them farewell and was almost at the door when he stopped and went back to the rear of the shop. He hugged Margie over the counter and pulled back to look into her twinkling gray blue eyes and said quietly. "Good luck at your bridge game."

She blushed furiously and Derek pecked her on the cheek. Her hand flew up reflexively to cover the spot on her soft weathered cheek where Derek had kissed her. He smiled at her one more time, winked at Billy, and turned to walk to the front of the store and was almost there when he heard Billy.

"Hey Derek?"

"Yeah Billy," Derek smiled as he popped his head over some stacks of tackle boxes.

"What's the new one's name?"

"Meredith," he said and her name rolled off of his tongue with natural ease, and then he smiled brightly, just saying her name did that, it brought a smile to his face and calm to his heart.

"Meredith, nice name," he mused.

"Yes it is, see you later Billy and thanks, thanks for everything," he turned and walked through the door, the bell chimed announcing his departure.

His smile stuck there as he popped the trunk of his car. He placed the rod inside and closed the trunk. He unlocked the car and swiftly got inside, the morning mist was beginning to recede, but the temperature was still on the chilly side. He began the short ride home.

He felt a little refreshed after the hour or so he spent with the Jacobsen's and they were right, he needed to give Meredith the space and time she deserved to trust him again; he _owed_ her that and so much more.

Soon, he crossed over his property line and drove around the long bend to the trailer. He pulled up and more than loved that every time he came back, it was as if he had never left, everything was untouched, natural, and beautiful. After all this time, he still wasn't over that.

When he lived in the city, invariably something would change, people were everywhere, his home here was just different, special. He had quickly grown tired of trying to explain it or justify it to Addison, _very quickly_, and even if he wanted to sell the land – _he couldn't_ – that was the onepromise to Meredith he would keep, he would never be able to betray that.

He pulled up to the trailer and exited the car, leaving the rod in the trunk. The morning mist had burned off and soon it would be warmer, warm enough for an afternoon hike. In fact, it was shaping up to be an _excellent_ day for a hike, he felt lighter than he had all week and for once he had good thoughts swirling in and out of his mind about Meredith and the infinite possibilities before them.

***

Derek set out for his hike, he had just finished a late lunch and was still feeling pretty optimistic, which surprised him, he thought the good feeling he had after leaving Billy and Margie this morning would have worn off by now, but even more important, he was beginning to feel the urge to call Meredith – _actually call her_ – not just look at his phone and summons his guts.

The afternoon temperature was warm, still damp, but warm and it felt good to be out. The damp fresh air filled his lungs and rejuvenated him … he felt _alive_. It was times like these when Derek truly had the opportunity to realize the beauty of the land he called home. Derek decided to move in a slightly different direction, but had his compass with him and some markers, so it would be pretty easy to find his way back.

The sky was a bright gray and the sun was playing its daily game of dueling with the clouds for control of the sky. Derek began to walk up a bit of an incline. He could hear the leaves crackling under his footsteps; the wind was light, but variable enough to cool his arms and neck when it whipped up a little from time to time.

As he walked, Derek thought about that promise he made to Meredith that morning in the shower all those months ago, the pained look that crossed over her face made much more sense now than it did then. It made sense that she never would ask for promises because of course she had grown up with no one in her life to live up to them.

Like it was yesterday, he recalled the first time he witnessed the effects Ellis had on Meredith. She was admitted into Grace as a patient and Meredith's secret about Ellis's health and whereabouts was exposed to everyone. Of course it didn't help Meredith that Addison had just shown up and the state of their relationship was precarious at best. All Derek really wanted to do was hold Meredith and tell her it would all be okay, but he couldn't and that broke him in a way he never had expected it to, he felt vulnerable and miserable and cowardly.

Then she asked him for a favor, and of course there wasn't anything he wouldn't have done for her at that moment – _but it wasn't about that_ – just like Meredith had said she didn't typically ask for promises, she wasn't one to ask for favors either.

Derek could tell she didn't want to ask, but that she had no choice, she had to – _without a doubt_ – get away from Ellis. Meredith's relationship with Ellis must have been so bad that she would have rather been in a surgery with the man she loved who betrayed her like no other, than to even sit with her ailing mother.

Derek stopped for a moment and tied a bright orange marker to the trunk of a leaning evergreen. He turned slightly and headed up the muddy pathway to continue his jaunt. He wiped his brow with his sleeve and took a drink from his canteen. As if on command, the wind picked up and cooled him down instantly.

_Derek thought about Ellis and the damage she had done to Meredith and it was unforgivable, but it was just the tip of the iceberg compared to what her father had done to her. He left her with a substandard parent in Ellis, how utterly careless and cruel, it was beyond comprehension. _

_Derek had a fleeting thought that maybe he did it to punish Ellis for her affair with Richard. Not only did he leave her with Ellis – but he disappeared completely from her life – much like a ghost. She was a child and he just disappeared. Who does that, a coward, a man without a moral compass?_

_And then it hit him like a bullet to his chest. Derek stopped in his tracks. He was no better than her father! He was no different. Derek steadied himself against the trunk of a nearby fallen tree. His chest tightened in pain, thinking about the suffering he caused Meredith. He abandoned Meredith, not once, but twice now – and what was worse – he didn't just disappear. _

He broke her and demoralized her – _he did far more than abandon her_ – he betrayed her and still asked for her forgiveness and friendship, he was far worse a man that her father was and she loved him anyway.

His eyes began to sting and he knew nothing would be able to calm the rage brewing in his heart now. He felt sick and the bile rose in his throat, the shame of what he had done coursed through his body and he broke out into a sweat. He sat down on the tree trunk. The tears fell freely from his eyes, the intermittent, _splat, splat, splat_ was all he could hear as they fell to the ground.

_Meredith loved him even when he chose Addison …_

…_pain radiated in his chest and nerves. _

_She supported him, was compassionate even …_

… _an angry pit in his stomach began to twist and turn. _

_She loved him enough to leave Finn …_

…_he felt feverish and his skin tingled with discomfort. _

She loved him that much and had such a profound capacity to forgive and what was he? He was just a taker. No better than Addison or Mark. _Take, take, take._ He wanted without a doubt to earn her trust; he hoped to God she would give him the sign, that she would meet him halfway. Suddenly he needed that "trust sign" as if his next breath depended on it. He took a couple of deep breaths to steady his heart rate.

Derek stood and wiped his wet face with his forearm. He surveyed his surroundings and looked up the way a little bit. He noticed what looked like a grass clearing through a group of firs. He tied another orange marker to the tree he had rested on. Curiosity swayed him and he walked up and through the cluster of trees out onto an expansive, for lack of a better term, lawn.

The cool wind whipped through the clearing, it splintered his feverish skin. He shivered. He was awestruck. His feet firmly planted on the earth, he couldn't move even if he wanted to. From his vantage point, he could see the neighboring towns below – _he could see far and wide and it was completely unobstructed _– it was stunning and natural and untouched and it was _his. _He looked down at his pedometer; he couldn't believe he was only a couple miles away from the trailer, he could build a home. _Right. Here._

He allowed himself to relax for a minute – _take it all in_ – and then he realized something was missing from this magical moment. He collapsed in a heap, his emotions running on high alert; he was overcome by the natural beauty of the land and all it had to offer, but despite all of the glorious beauty, he felt deflated because as he sat there at the pinnacle – _the zenith_ – and he no one by his side. _Meredith was missing._

A lone tear jumped from his eye and traveled down his face. Thank God he did not move off this land or sell it, thank God for that promise he made to Meredith. He wanted so very badly to share this moment with her, but he was alone and it was all of his own making. _Meredith was missing._

Derek eased himself down and put his hands under his head. He closed his eyes; the gray sky was just too damn bright. He could smell the fresh ground and earth and grass. He could hear the wind dancing through the leaves. He longed to hold Meredith's hand, he took a deep breath, yep walking away from Meredith Grey was the stupidest thing he had ever done, _twice_.

As Derek relaxed into the earth he thought about the first few weeks he had known Meredith, how he pursued her and how she rebuffed his advances. He thought about the day she finally met him for breakfast, their first real "date" for lack of a better term, like any other moment they shared when they were together and happy, it was indelible to him, all he had to do was envision her beautiful eyes and he was transported.

***

_Derek remembered how his heart stopped the moment she came up to the table, he didn't think she would show, well, she said she would be there, it wasn't like he didn't trust her to be there, but she did – show up – she met him halfway on his desire to take her out, he suggested dinner, she said breakfast and he could take it or leave it – and boy did he take it – trust was in the air._

"_I don't know why I'm here, but you do, don't you …," she said as she stopped in front of him, he looked up and that was when it happened – his heart stopped – it was a sunny morning and the natural light just magnified her beauty. She looked happy._

"_I thought I told you," he said as she sat down. "__I'm someone you need to get to know to love."_

_He handed Meredith a menu, her eyes sparkled with amusement. _

"_You did tell me that once didn't you?"_

"_Hmm, I did," he smiled, in awe at her simple beauty. She wasn't made up, she was perfect and her alabaster skin glowed underneath the bright banana tee she sported. That color on her skin intensified her green eyes so much – they just popped. She wore her hair down, just how he loved it. She looked at him through her lashes and smiled genuinely._

"_So, what will it be for breakfast, I for one am happy to report, they don't serve cold pizza or left over grilled cheese here," he looked at her pointedly._

_Meredith just sighed. "Derek, have you honestly forgotten what it was like to be an intern, was it that long ago?" she teased._

"_Nope, I haven't forgotten, it will get better Meredith, it's all worth it," Derek reached over and put his hand over hers. _

_She looked at their hands and then up and into his eyes. "Yeah, well, most people don't make it through the first year so, you know …,"_

"_You aren't most people, you have it, Ellis Grey's daughter or not, you have what it takes," Meredith's eyes widened at his comment, but she soon relaxed as she gazed into his eyes. _

_The waitress came over and Derek ordered a parfait … yogurt, fruit and granola. Meredith went with the cheese omelet, Derek smiled at her choice. Meredith ordered a coffee. _

"_What's the knowing smile for Shepherd, trying to guess what I was going to order?" she teased._

"_Nope, I didn't need to guess … Jorge Cruz," he said softly._

"_Yeah …," she looked down. When she looked up into Derek's eyes, a tiny tear escaped from the inner corner of her eye. Derek reached over and wiped it away with his thumb. He took her hand in his and moved his chair closer. She looked into his eyes, she was so sad and he had a feeling it went beyond Jorge, but he didn't know why and he didn't want to pry._

_The waitress came back to the table with Meredith's coffee. Derek watched her eyes become sad and withdrawn._

"_Oh, Meredith, it will be okay, you know Jorge has Sona, they have each other at the end of the day, what she said it true, he'll always be her Jorge – he trusts her – he knows what she can handle and so does she, she just doesn't want to lose him yet."_

"_Do you really think they can imagine what it will be like Derek? Do you really have faith that Sona made the right choice? I just don't get it, he won't be Jorge, he won't be the man she loves and fell in love with," she pleaded quietly with Derek for some rationale. _

_Meredith raised her coffee cup and blew on the hot black liquid before she took a small sip. She placed the cup on the table again and smiled weakly._

"_No, I don't, but they love and trust each other enough to make the right decisions for them, I know, it's sad, but try not to keep it with you, this isn't the first time or the last time you'll be touched by a patient," Derek put his arm around Meredith's shoulders and without hesitation, she leaned her head down on his shoulder. _

"_Yeah, I know, kinda sucks," she sighed and looked up at him._

"_Yeah, it does," he smiled slightly. "Come closer," he whispered his command and she obliged. He moved her hair from her face with his free hand and then he kissed her, just enough to remind her he was there, just enough to taste the fresh coffee on her lips, just enough to feel the bubble form around them. He looked into her green eyes and without blinking he spoke again._

"_Enjoy the omelet and then let it go, you have to have faith in your patients to make the choices that are right for them, you have to learn trust them."_

"_Okay," she conceded._

"_Okay," he smiled._

_***_

_Once they finished their meal, Derek didn't want to leave Meredith. She seemed fine, but there was something troubling her, and quite frankly he wanted to spend more time with her. He paid the bill and waited at their table while Meredith used the ladies room. She came back outside and snaked her arms around his neck, he was surprised by the affection, but instantly relaxed into her touch._

"_I'm still getting to know you, you know, so do you want to do something else?"_

"_I was just thinking the same thing, so yes, do you want to take a walk?" he asked hesitantly._

"_Sounds perfect," she said as she lifted her head from his shoulder. He stood and they walked out of the brick interior courtyard of the restaurant and onto the busy Seattle street._

_Derek wanted to hold her hand, but he wasn't sure how Meredith felt about public displays of affection, there was so much he didn't know about her, he presumed they had time to learn. They walked in a comfortable silence and then he heard the gentle timbre of Meredith's voice._

"_We could walk a few blocks this way and be at the botanical gardens, Bellevue, it's nice, quiet and ah, well … private," she offered._

"_Sounds good, are you betting we won't see anyone from the hospital there?" he teased._

"_Something like that," she smiled._

"_Why not tell your friends at least, I mean if we start something, why not be frank with them?"_

"_Because I barely know them and they wouldn't understand … again …intern remember … I have a lot to prove and a lot to learn and they, well, they're the competition and frankly, I don't –"_

"_Trust them," Derek finished her thought._

"_Yes."_

"_Okay, so we'll be sneaky then."_

"_Sneaky sounds good," she agreed with a giggle._

_They approached the gates to the gardens and walked through, and once inside it felt like one big private alternate universe. A light breeze moved everything in its path and Meredith shivered involuntarily. Derek put his hand on the small of her back and spied a directional sign pointing towards the Alpine Rock Garden. _

_Derek loved the place instantly and it reminded him of his land, the variety of evergreen trees were aesthetically pleasing, they were lush and beautiful and untouched. It was easy to see the coordinated display of rocks and floral accents as they approached the outer perimeter of the rock garden. They walked up one of the main pathways and as far as the eye could see there was a mixture of rhododendrons and rocks, both plant and earth were bold and beautiful._

"_Wow," Meredith muttered. _

"_Yeah, hey, lets go up here," Derek pointed to another long pathway, he grabbed Meredith's hand and they headed up the pathway to a bench and sat down. _

"_It's so beautiful up here, it feels like we are in a different world, doesn't it?"_

"_It does, and the view is …spectacular," he smiled and Meredith looked at him only to find him staring at her and not their lush surroundings. He moved closer and put his arm around her, she smiled at him._

"_What," she sighed, but it came out like a gulp._

"_I want to kiss you, no, I want to do more than kiss you ..." his voice trailed off._

"_So, what's stopping you?" she teased._

"_How do you feel about it, kissing, not just a peck, but you know kissing, because I might not be able to stop … if it's all-consuming kissing, I could just …," he took a deep breath and moved closer still so he was only millimeters from her, he could feel her hot breath on his neck "Ravage you and beyond," he choked out._

"_So …you don't trust yourself around me?" she whispered and closed the distance between them. She kissed him hard and long – kissed him without abandon – public place or not, forbidden relationship or not, nothing would stop them, nothing else mattered. _

_The euphoric bubble he loved came down and sheathed and covered and protected them, Derek could hear nothing else, he could feel nothing else – the bubble could make a crowded football game feel private. _

_His stomach was a bottomless pit of nothingness. He moaned as his cock strained against his pants. Meredith moved to straddle him, cupping his face in her hands, her lips never parting from his. Her hot breath was intoxicating._

_Derek moved her golden tresses out of the way and his hands made their way to her waist, just below the crop of her jean jacket. He swept his tongue deep into her mouth and her tongue found his in a duel for control, she gasped in delight as she lowered herself upon him and felt the evidence of Derek's arousal._

_The bubble continued to tighten around them, Meredith grinded her pelvic bone against Derek, it was all he had not to tear her pants off and thrust into her widely and without control – he wanted to get lost in her – he wanted a fresh start for himself, but it had to be with her – he looked into her endless green eyes, they were sparkling with pure bliss and passion – those eyes – they saved him and he trusted them and that's all he knew and all he cared about. _

_Meredith's trusting eyes, he looked deep into them – they were all he remembered as they slowed down from their frantic kissing session, all he saw were her eyes – he could barely remember anything else about that day – except her eyes, her deep, soulful, endless trusting eyes – and in that moment she became his Meredith. _

_***_

Derek awoke with a start. He was disoriented; he sat up like a bolt. He smelled the earth and the mist was all around him. His hair was wet and matted to his skull and face. Was this a dream? Where was he, where was Meredith?

Suddenly, he remembered, he _was_ dreaming – _his reality flooded his senses_ – he must have fallen asleep at the crest he found. His eyes adjusted to the dusk light and he grabbed his backpack and stood up. He was relieved he thought to use those markers, with that he turned around and made his way through the cluster of trees and back to the makeshift trail.

Once through the cluster of evergreens it was much darker though so he took a couple steps forward while fishing around in his backpack for the flashlight he grabbed from the doorway at the trailer before he left. He found it, but as luck would have it, the light was dim, too dim to light the pathway in front of him.

Soon, it would be so dark he would have zero visibility, so he stepped it up a notch, and walked as quickly as he could with the dim light. He stopped and took the opportunity with the light to view the face of the compass one last time, but as he reached into his pocket for the compass, he lost his footing in a large hole and he fell!

_Instinctually, he held onto the flashlight and his bag, as he careened down the hill, tumbling as he went…_

_One revolution_

_He protected himself in a fetal position …_

_Two revolutions_

_He tightened his grip on his backpack …_

_Three revolutions_

_He could smell the fresh earth, matted to his hair, face, clothing …_

_Four revolutions_

_He was gathering speed …_

_Five revolutions_

_His inertia was unstoppable …_

_Six revolutions_

_He plummeted into the darkness …and landed with a thud, the world stopped revolving._

Derek wasn't sure how long he had been there, wherever he was, but however long it was he felt sick and disoriented and dizzy. The doctor in him did some mental assessments and after a couple minutes of checking his muscles and nerves, he was quite certain he was in one piece. What a fucking joke, was all he could think.

He slowly sat up and let his eyes adjust to the darkness of the forest. He counted six revolutions, but he didn't know his speed, so he had no idea how far off the makeshift trail he was. All he knew for certain was that the flashlight would be of little use, he had no cell phone reception and he was lost – _albeit on his land_ – but still lost nonetheless.

He sighed and stood up. He felt quite certain the trailer was about a mile away, he just wasn't sure in what direction, he had fallen down from the crest point at a diagonal, so he decided to turn to his right and try to walk in a straight line to get back to the trail … wherever that was.

His hair was wet and muddy. He fished his light jacket out of his bag and slipped it on. He knew he had dropped the compass, but reflexively checked his pocket for good measure anyway. At least the weather was on his side, it wasn't raining yet and the fog wasn't debilitating. He looked at his watch; it was only just after seven.

He started to walk and felt blinded by the situation, Derek was a man who liked to be in control and situations like this, limited that and he felt vulnerable. _Just think of Meredith and her beautiful eyes,_ he coached himself. He would call her tonight, without a doubt in his mind, the first thing he would do after he took a shower – _would be to call Meredith Grey and apologize and ask her if she would give him a third chance_ – a third chance to make it all up to her.

_Just think of those trusting green sparkling eyes …suddenly Derek heard something …a rustling in the leaves …to the right …yes, to the right … he strained his eyes and then he saw it – them – a pair of sparkling green eyes reflected in the dim light from his flashlight. He stopped in his tracks. He heard a whimper. _

A lone golden wolf stepped out from behind an evergreen tree to his right. The wolf looked older, tired, perhaps hungry. Derek felt relieved he wasn't bleeding; he sensed this would be trouble if he was. He dared himself not to move, he dared himself not to breath, but despite that command, he took a deep breath and sighed. He didn't know what to do.

He decided to sit down; maybe if he was more on the wolf's level, he would be less of a threat. The wolf followed his lead and sat down on her hind legs. Derek smiled, he didn't know why; he just thought that was curious. After several minutes the wolf stood and turned her head to look into the thick forest (_he_ _thought maybe it was a female wolf, no way to tell for sure though_). She whimpered slightly again and turned in that direction and took a few steps and was gone … as if she was never there.

Derek sighed in relief, but now he really didn't know which way to go, one safe encounter with a wolf was one thing, but another? He considered just parking himself there for the night – _it wouldn't be __that__ bad _– he mused. Then Derek heard a whimper and looked up, the wolf was back. Her green eyes sparkled, she whimpered and took one step, and looked to Derek again. Afraid to speak, Derek stood. _Maybe she wanted him to follow her, he thought incredulously._

Derek took one step in her direction and stopped. The wolf stopped and took a few more steps, for some reason, Derek felt a calm pass over him, he felt a rush of adrenaline as his nerve endings began to relax after his fall. He felt he should trust the wolf; she was obviously trying to tell him something or show him something. _So Derek let his guard down and followed her._

Her tail swayed as she loped along, Derek stayed a good distance from her, and every so often she would turn to check on him. After about fifteen minutes or so, the forest became less dense and a little further up – _Derek thought he could see the makeshift pathway_ – had she just led him home?

The wolf started to make a decent down a little bit and to her right. She walked slowly and purposefully, and then he saw it, the back of the trailer – _it was there_ – one quick walk through a small cluster of Douglas firs and he would be home! In his excitement, he stepped up his pace and the wolf jogged a bit ahead of him, but suddenly stopped and only then did it dawn on Derek – _she took him __halfway__ there, just like Margie said_ – she met him halfway … took him most of the way home.

_Derek stood still. He crouched down, the wolf sat on her hind legs. She would go no further, for Derek was home and this seemed to be her mission. She whimpered in his direction and he stared at her golden coat and green endless eyes and all he could think about was:_

"_Meredith"_, her name rolled off his tongue in a whisper, it made him smile, just as it had earlier in the day.

He looked at the wolf and smiled. "You were my compass star," he said quietly. A lone tear popped out of his eye and traveled down his face as he said those words to her. And he knew he needed to bid her a farewell – _he so badly wanted to offer his _hand – but he knew better, he knew better than to mess with Mother Nature.

_So he turned and did the next best thing, he walked through that cluster of Douglas firs and then he turned around one last time to see the gorgeous wolf, but she was gone – she had disappeared – like she never existed … like a ghost. _

Derek turned around again and made his way around the back of the trailer, up the steps and into the warmth of his home. He put the flashlight down and dropped his bag. He started the shower, stripped from his wet clothing and stepped in. He allowed the hot water to warm his chilled bones.

He thought about that wolf – _she was so beautiful and he trusted her; trusted her with his life_ – she could have led him anywhere … but he was safely home. In a spiritual way, the wolf was his sign, she took him half way and he needed to get the rest of the way there by himself. He was going to call Meredith, as complicated as it was, he wanted her and she was worth it.

He turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. He pushed the door open, but was spooked when out of the corner of his eye he saw something move on his bed …his heart lurched into his throat.

"Aw, Nancy!" he yelped.

**Chapter 8 to follow.**


	11. Chapter 8, True to Myself

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. **

**I know a lot of people don't pay attention to the songs writers choose, but how I so wish you would for this fic, music means a lot to me in my life, likewise it means a lot for my writing. Anyway, take a listen, Ziggy Marley is just the bomb! **

**Chapter 8 – True to Myself**

Lyrics for Ziggy Marley's "True to Myself":

Life has come a long way since yester day (I say)  
And it's not the same old thing over again (I say)  
Just do what you feel and don't you fool yourself (I say)  
Cause I can't make you happy unless I am (I say, I say)

Chorus  
I've got to be true to myself (x4)

Day in day out, I've asked many questions (I say)  
Only to find the truth it never changes (I say)  
If you don't deal with it, it keeps killing you a little by little (I say)  
Call me selfish if you will, my life I alone I can live (I say, I say)

Chorus  
I've got to be true to myself (x4)

I don't care if it hurts  
I'm tired of playing all these games  
I've reached a point in life  
Hey, no longer can I be this way  
Don't come crying to me  
I too have shed my share of tears  
I'm moving on, yes I'm grooving on  
Hey, well I'm finally free

Chorus  
I've got to be true to myself (x8)

**Chapter 8 – True to Myself**

Derek exited the heavy fireproof door from the stairwell. It closed behind him with a small thud. He smiled. He steadied himself against the wall – _his heart was racing, his nerve endings were alive_ – humming with energy, his core was hot, his palms were covered in a light sweat – _and yet he smiled_ – for this is what Meredith Grey did to him.

Secretly thankful the hallway was deserted; he leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes and immediately Meredith was there. When he came upon her in the stairwell just minutes ago – _she took the wind from his sails_ – and not at all in a bad way. His racing heart calmed and he could have stared at her natural beauty … forever. The dim light from the small window of the stairwell door behind her cast a halo-like aura around her and she looked nothing short of angelic. She looked happy and confident; she teased him in only a way he would understand. And her eyes sparkled, albeit the dim light, her eyes were alive and happy and he found undying comfort in that.

What he told her was the truth – _the truth from his heart_ – he wanted them to work, but they _were_ complicated. At the end of the day though, he loved her, so what else could really matter? He didn't _want_ to take space; he didn't think it would work because all he really wanted to do was gather her in his arms and hold on tight and never let go. He just knew he wouldn't be able to make her happy unless he was happy himself.

But in order to hold on to her and be a free man, free from all the hurt and betrayal Addison and Mark had inflicted, he owed it to himself and Meredith to clear his head. He really needed to get away from Mark and the smug bullshit he was feeding him and everyone else at Grace.

It was high time he took some action; it was time for him to be true to himself, to give in to his aching heart and soul and just mend it all without looking back. It was painful, but it had to be done.

Derek opened his eyes on that last thought and his heart rate spiked when he had an epiphany. He moved down the hallway while searching his contacts for Nancy's number and made the call, he smiled – _he might have just enough time to do this_ – just enough time. She answered breathlessly.

"Derek, I just got to the airport, I promise I'm leaving!" she exclaimed.

"Funny, listen, I need to give you something for mom, when does your flight leave again?"

"I have a little over an hour, can't you just mail whatever it is?" she asked with a huff.

"No, I can't … it can't wait, I wouldn't have asked you if it could."

"Really, what is it?" her interest peaked.

"Nance, listen, if I'm gonna make it, I need to get going, I will meet you at the entrance of the security checkpoint, what airline?"

"United."

"United, I'll be there inside of forty-five minutes," he snapped the phone shut.

Derek headed down the hallway to the Attendings' Lounge, his strides long and purposeful; suddenly he needed to get this all down on paper as if his life depended on it. Thankfully the lounge was also deserted. He grabbed a couple of sheets of paper and two envelopes from the stack and pulled a pen from his lab coat pocket. He took the coat off and placed it on the back of a chair, pulled it out and sat down. He inhaled a deep breath in and went work. He glanced at his watch – _just focus_ – first things first, he coached himself.

Once Derek started writing he realized putting pen to paper was easy and uncomplicated (_no pun intended_) and pretty much effortless. As he wrote from his heart, a small tear traveled down his face which he chose to ignore. His heart raced against his chest – _thump, thump, thump_ – he was alive and well and thriving. He signed his name and he let go of a breath he didn't realize he was holding hostage. He sat quietly for a beat longer; the pen slipped from his fingers and fell to the table. He didn't bother to proof read, it was all there. He wiped a second tear away from his face, stopping it in its tracks.

Derek rose from the table and made his way to the photo copier. He sighed and looked at his watch; he still had enough time to get this to Nancy. He quickly made one copy of the letter and put it in an envelope and made a notation on the front. He took the original and did the same. He grabbed his lab coat and walked out of the lounge with the letters.

***

Within minutes, Derek was outside the hospital running for his car. He had called the Chief to let him know he needed coverage for at least two hours, which should be enough time for the whole trip. He was on-call tonight so he had plans to stay at the hospital anyway; those couple of hours would be surely be made up with hours of uncomfortable sleep if nothing else.

He unlocked the car, threw his lab coat to the back and put the letters on the passenger seat. He was on his way; he pulled out of the hospital lot and into moving traffic. With any luck he would make it there with a couple minutes to spare, he had only about twenty-five minutes at this point.

Derek flipped on the wipers, light rain began to pelt on the ceiling and he was soothed by the intermittent sound. His mind wandered for a moment to his friend Burke and he decided to call him. He reached down for the phone, and while keeping one eye trained on the road, he speed-dialed Burke's cell number. The call went right to voicemail, busy man, back in the game, Derek thought with a smile.

Then a flash of something, or rather _someone_ unexpected raced in and out of his mind …so quick it almost wasn't there, but not quick enough to ignore it completely. It was a feeling of loss that came over him with respect to old _friend_ Mark. Bile instinctively rose in his throat as he thought about how glib and righteous Mark looked as he stood in the elevator lobby with Nancy and Addison earlier. Derek's blood ran cold just thinking about him, the heartless bastard. God, he hated him with every fiber of his being – _right now_ – he hated him! Derek believed with his whole heart that Mark had ruined their friendship. And as much as that was true Derek also knew that if he didn't start dealing with his fury, it would slowly chip away at his own character … something he wouldn't tolerate.

He had meant what he said to the Chief earlier, Mark _was_ his brother, via blood or not, he was. So Derek had to find a way to let it go or the hate would consume him and would eventually kill him little by little, brother betrayal trumped wife betrayal in Derek's mind for some reason. Derek just couldn't understand him anymore, he thought he knew Mark Sloan and yes, his moral compass was always a bit skewed, but fucking and falling in love with Addison, it was unfathomable – _rite of passage or not_ – it was still wrong and completely horrific.

_Derek was snapped out of his misery at the sight of a traffic jam up the road a little bit. On an impulse, he exited the highway and followed the back roads to the airport. He made a right at the light and followed the signs for Sea-Tac Airport (3 miles), almost there. The rain started to come down a bit harder and visibility rapidly became limited. At least he wouldn't have to crawl in traffic to get there, he thought as he turned right into the Departing Flights lane. He glanced at the clock on the dashboard, he had only about fifteen minutes to park and get to Nancy before she would have to run to catch her flight, man this was going to piss her off! _

_He stepped up the pace a little bit. The lanes were crowded with countless commuters trying to get in and out. Derek swerved into the short term parking lane and stopped behind the car in front of him. Traffic in the other lanes was moving though so he decided to get back into the other lane and bypass some of the cars and merge his way in to the lot lane at the last second. _

As only his luck would have it, his lane stopped again, "Damn!" he growled and slapped the steering wheel in frustration.

_Beads of sweat appeared on his brow without warning. Traffic moved again. What was he doing, he felt like a crazed lunatic! He gripped the steering wheel and took a deep breath – Meredith was worth it – even if he had a heart attack, she was worth it, she just made him do things that were, well, not normal. Derek stopped short, his tires squealed and he fish-tailed slightly into the next lane._

"Fuck!" he screamed in frustration.

_It seemed the car in front of him had stalled or was dead or something, whatever it was, it was of no use to him. He had only about ten minutes to get inside and get to Nancy, considering her flight was probably boarding, he'd place a bet she was about to combust with rage just about now. Just as he smiled at that thought, the phone rang; of course it would be her!_

"Shepherd," he heaved.

"_Loser, are you coming or what?"_ she shrieked.

"I'm outside, five minutes, just five minutes and then I promise I'll get you to the gate!" he snapped as he _snapped_ the phone shut before she put up a fight. He knew she would wait, for she loved their mother as much as he did.

In a swift move he pulled his car over to the curbside where the baggage handlers were stationed. He saw a woman who looked like she was in charge – _he could probably charm her_ – he thought wickedly. He took the letters from the passenger seat and hopped out of the car into the rain. He stood by the hood to watch her for a second. Several stations down, Derek spied a police officer.

The woman was definitely in charge, he couldn't really see her face, she had a baseball style cap on, and the brim was pulled slightly downward. She was on the petite side and she was barking orders to make up for it. She looked like the type of person who was perpetually angry or stressed – _he could see her eyes were dark –_ and not in a good way either. Derek stood aside as she howled in anger at one of her subordinates, who, after hearing her blaring instructions, hustled away with two overstuffed bags. Upon his disappearance she looked over and saw Derek. She walked with purpose and authority in his direction.

Derek shifted his weight from foot to foot – _she looked aggravated_ – charm wasn't going to work on her and he didn't have time for it anyway. He decided it was now or never – _truth time_ – her name tag said "Betsy".

"Sir, you can't leave this car here," she said as she pointed to the car. "It's against the law," she deemed resolutely with authority.

"Well, ah, yeah – _listen Betsy_ – I have to get inside, but I needed to park my car, I don't have time to wait in that line over there …," his voice trailed off when he saw the irritated look on her face.

"You what? Well, you CAN'T LEAVE IT HERE, YOU COULD BE ARRESTED, YOUR CAR WILL BE TOWED! HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF HOMELAND SECURITY!" she bellowed as if she was going to blow a gasket.

"Yeah, I know, look I really have to go," he dangled the keys in his hand and then gave them to her, he smiled slightly. "Why don't you have it towed and when I come out, you can tell me where to get it, really, I just … I don't want to get into a screaming match, but I need to get this letter to my sister," he motioned to the envelopes. "And she's waiting for me, she's about to get on a plane – _and she's pissed also_ – and trust me, I think I'd rather deal with you later than her … so I'm making the choice to leave it – _the car _–with you …," he rambled breathlessly.

Betsy stood there; she obviously was ready for a fight. Derek felt badly for her all of a sudden, thinking about all of the stressful travelers she must have to deal with all the time plus bullshit he was feeding her now. He was soaked by the rain, his hair was matted to his head, he tucked the letters in his armpit to keep them dry.

"Five minutes," he pleaded. "I know, _Betsy_, you have no reason to trust me, and I know you gotta do what you gotta do, but so am I – _I've waited too long_ – I need to get inside, so if you're gonna arrest me, can you just wait until I come back?" he asked sheepishly. "I'll be back to find out about the car and anything else you need me for, okay?" he said evenly as he touched her shoulder.

She just stared at him and shook her head. He swore as he ran off he saw a small smile playing on her lips.

***

_Derek ran into the commotion of the terminal as quickly as he could. He was soaked from the rain. He took the letters from his armpit and moved his hair out of his eyes. He dodged a group of slow movers, slipping in front of them onto the escalator. He walked up the moving stairs taking them two at a time. Sweat and rain poured down his face and people were looking at him, but he didn't care, he couldn't care, to them he was just a crazy rain-soaked guy in a pair of scrubs, but on the inside he was a man on a mission. _

He was almost there, he could see the security checkpoint and then he saw Nancy – _she waited_ – thank God she waited! His heart skipped a beat.

"Nancy!" he called over the crowd.

Her eyes found him and she rushed to meet him halfway.

"Derek, Derek, what in the heck was so –"

Before she could barrage him with a bunch of questions, he hugged his sister. He had wanted to hug her before at the hospital when she left, but he didn't, he hedged instead, he had gotten too used to being alone. It felt good to hug her, someone who had known him forever who hadn't betrayed him, it felt more than good, it felt familiar and great. She got on a plane for him; she came to see him for her own eyes, which meant a lot.

"Thanks Nancy," he said breathlessly, his chin resting on her shoulder. His eyes began to glass over with emotion.

"So, what do you have for mom?" she asked as she pulled out of the hug.

"Oh, this," he looked down and took the letter simply labeled, _For Mom,_ and handed it to Nancy. He felt instantly overjoyed, happy, elated and relieved, his task was complete.

"That's it? A letter, Derek, you said –"

"I know what I said Nancy and I meant it, it couldn't wait," he looked straight into her eyes and she knew he was serious.

"My flight's boarding and I know how much you don't want me hanging around, so I better go …," she said tightly.

Derek looked over Nancy's shoulder and saw a man with one of those airport golf carts a few yards away. "Give me a hug now, and then I'll get you to that flight," he ordered as he pulled her into a hug.

He pulled back and looked into her smiling eyes; she could be pretty when she wasn't so aggravating and annoying. He looked down at his watch – _she had about 5 minutes_ – cutting it close. He took her by the elbow and walked with her towards the man.

"Derek, where are we going?"

"Just follow my lead and look disheveled,' he said evenly.

"Derek, you have a letter for Meredith too, I saw, I mean, it's none of my business, you're right, but you, what did you …,"

Derek smiled widely and looked at his sister as if he had a secret.

"What? I know it's none of my business, I _know_," she said in her defense.

"It's not that, it's just that you called her Meredith," he said simply and smiled.

"I guess I did, I may have talked with Addison about her, so …well, she set me straight, in a weird way …" she smiled.

"Okay," was all he could say.

With that they were upon the man with the golf cart, Derek ushered Nancy over and before she knew what was happening, he spoke.

"Sir, listen I banged into this lady here and now she has a bit of a sprain on her ankle, right Miss," he said, looking for Nancy to play along, she just nodded. "I feel really bad, her flight is in about five minutes, I was rushing and I didn't see her," turning to Nancy again. "Are you sure you're alright Miss?" he inquired.

"Don't worry about her," the man bellowed, we'll take it from here, you just come with me," he said with authority as he took Nancy's carryon bags from her. Clearly the man was trying to "save" her from Derek (the crazy guy with the soaked scrubs).

"You sure?" Derek asked for good measure. Nancy looked at Derek over the man as he went around to the front of the cart, she clutched the letter in her hand motioning it to Derek and her eyes were smiling.

"Bye," he mouthed with a smile and a wink as the man sped away towards the security checkpoint and with that she was gone.

***

With the crises averted, Derek sat down in one of the nearby deep black leather chairs. He rested his forearms against his thighs and sighed. He did it, he actually made it. He held the letter for Meredith in his fingertips; he smiled at the thought of one day giving it to her.

He stood and began walking back the way he came. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a _Starbucks_ and made his way over there. The cheerful barista popped her head up from the pastry display and smiled.

"May I help you?" she said in her friendly _Starbucks voice_. She pushed her brown hair behind her ears and moved over to the register.

"Sure, I'll have a grande size coffee, and also I need a gift card," Derek selected one from the pouch in front of her. "Can you put one hundred dollars on that for me?" he asked with a smile.

"No problem, can I get you anything else?" she asked politely as she turned to fill the coffee cup up.

Derek looked in the pastry case. "Yeah, one of those fairy cake things, either color is fine, well actually, can I have the one with the lavender flower on it?" he said with a smile.

"Sure," she fished the fairy cake from the case and put it in a small clear plastic container. _Perfect he thought._

He paid her and collected his treats, along with some creamers and sugar packets and headed downstairs, suddenly feeling better equipped to deal with the wrath of _hurricane Betsy_.

***

Derek headed out of the door he came through earlier and found Betsy almost immediately. She had moved to the next station down and was sitting on a high stool doing some paperwork. She looked cold, but not as angry. She had her head down when he approached so he put the coffee and the fairy cake down in front of her. He took the small gift card envelope and laid it on top of the fairy cake box.

Betsy looked up in mock surprise. "Ah, the good Dr. Shepherd returns," she smiled genuinely, a smile that seemed to form _unused smile lines_ as she did. He smiled in return.

"I did, how are you?" he smiled. "Will you accept my peace offering?" he asked sheepishly.

"Now you're offering peace?" she said incredulously.

"Something like that," he shivered as the wind whipped across the platform. He raked a hand through his tasseled hair.

"What if I had you car towed, would you still be offering me peace?"

"Yes, I was wrong, what I did was wrong, _to put that on you_, I know how things are in the world we live in, I just –"

"Had no choice," she finished for him, her eyes softening just a bit.

"Yeah, I made it though, my sister has what she needs to give to my mother … so it was worth it – _you should know it was worth it_ – I hope you didn't get in trouble."

"No, I took care of it before that could happen, aren't you dying to know if I had the car towed?"

"I'm more curious how you know my name," he answered.

"Lab coat, back seat," was all she said, she kept her eyes trained on his. "You're a brainless brain man aren't you?" she chuckled.

"Something like that," he replied.

"Here's the ticket for your car, parked over there, short term lot, area D3," she said, handing a small orange ticket to him. He looked at her with surprise. "And don't get all mushy, I needed a break from these morons, so you did me a favor," she added with a smile of her own.

"Thanks Betsy," he said sincerely.

"You're welcome," she smiled with both her lips and eyes, her eyes were shining, not as dark as they had been. She turned to go back to her work.

As he walked away, he thought about Betsy's smile, it was genuine and warm and friendly. She was happy and he was the reason and for some strange reason – _that gave Derek hope_ –something he had been lacking for a long time, _hopeful optimism_.

***

About a half hour later, Derek arrived back at Grace. As he walked into the hospital he felt better than he had in a long time. He knew it was the right time, he knew he was almost ready to state his case to Meredith. He quickly made a text to the Chief letting him know he was back in the building and headed to the Attendings' Lounge to grab a shower and some fresh scrubs.

As the stress over the last couple of hours began to ebb he noticed the aching muscles in his neck and shoulders, it felt something akin to how he felt after a really long surgery. More than ever, he was looking forward to just relaxing for a moment to absorb the impact the letter would have on his future with Meredith and with his family. It had to be done, it was about damn time.

He pulled the door to the lounge open and walked in only to find Preston. He looked up and smiled.

"Shepherd, what's up, you look …where have you _been_?" he asked incredulously.

"Oh, the airport," he said simply. "You're a hard man to find these days, how are you, Preston?"

"Well and you?" Burke asked noncommittally. Derek crossed the room to gather some new scrubs and shower stuff.

"I'm fine, listen … I was wondering if you wouldn't want to go camping sometime soon, just a couple days, get some fresh air and fish, I need to clear my head," Derek explained.

"Clear our heads, hmm, that sounds … necessary," Burke smiled.

"For you or me?" Derek chuckled.

"For us both, I think. I'm off for forty-eight the day after tomorrow."

"I'll arrange it then; see if the Chief can swing both of us being out of pocket. How are things going in the OR?" Derek inquired.

"All is well my friend, all is as well as it can be," he said frankly.

"Good, good, so I'll let you know about the trip," Derek said, meeting his friend's eyes.

"Sounds good, see you later Shepherd," Burke replied.

With that settled, Derek exited the room into the showers. No one else was in there, he selected a stall on the far back corner of the room. His muscles were tired and he was beginning to develop a slight headache, probably the stress and lack of food, he thought. Although, truth be told – _nothing _– nothing could dampen his spirit and the fullness in his heart. _Nothing. _He turned on the faucet; steam began to rise above the stall walls. He smiled and stepped into the scalding hot water.

***

When Derek was finished, he took some time to check on his patients, no news was good news, especially for post-operative patients. He smiled and decided maybe he would lie down for a bit, his shift only just started and it was a hard game – _the on-call game_ – a crapshoot at best. He walked down the hallway and slipped into one of the rooms. The dim light soothed him almost immediately.

He took his running shoes off and got onto the lower bunk. He put his head down on the pillow and within minutes he felt his nerve-endings melt into oblivion and back. His eyes were tired, the shower had taken his headache with it, and although his neck was still tense, he was relaxed. He felt wholly relieved to have written his letter to his mother _– it was cathartic_ – no more than that, it was life changing.

He thought about Nancy and her trip, a small tear escaped from his eye, he wiped it away. Her coming here reminded him that he wasn't truly alone and only made him remember his mother and sisters with endearment. It wasn't their fault – _he barely told any of them what was going on_ – at the time he felt he just needed to hide his pain and embarrassment. _At the time_ he was a broken man – _bleak and without promise_ – but he shouldn't have hidden from the pain, he shouldn't have hidden it from them … they might have helped him absorb some of it. So now, he knew he wasn't alone and he didn't have to be. He longed to be part of his family again, in a way that meant something to him _and_ to them. One day, he hoped Meredith would be part of that family too.

He stared at the bunk above him, the metal frame had a crisscross pattern that was rather hypnotizing and he could no longer evade sleep. His lids fell shut. He rolled over to his side, put his hand under one side of the pillow and sighed. He could feel the crispness of the hospital-issue sheets against his cheek; he could smell its clinical scent. One that he had grown accustomed to over the years, it was almost soothing at this point – _as sad as it was_ – it was the truth. His breathing slowed and began his eyes began a REM cycle. He heard someone shuffle by the outside of the door and suddenly he was encased the deep blackness of sleep.

***

_Everything was dark and shadowy around him and he was walking without direction. There was only black silence. Derek's heart began to race and he was quite certain he was lost, but he wasn't afraid, for he knew why he was there. He could see his mother and father off in the distance – and had to wonder why they there – they looked young, he thought; maybe they were there to bear witness to it all. _

_He turned abruptly, he could only see a couple of inches in front of him – he held up his hand to get some perspective – he could barely see it, maybe two inches at the most …he turned around again and saw those curious flickering lights that had become familiar to him over the past few weeks. _

_His Meredith should be here somewhere; he strained his eyes to find her. _

_Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a quick movement, and then Meredith was there, off in the distance, pacing. He made his way over to her; he felt like he was floating. He was upon her in a moment, and without warning – she reached out for him – she took his hand in hers, his heart beat so wildly it could have leapt from his chest. She met him halfway, pulling him to her with a force that nothing could break, for the force was invisible. It transcended above all else, it was housed in their souls. _

_Her golden hair was down around her shoulders and the waves of her tresses glimmered in the flickering lights. Her wild eyes were bore into his, challenging him grab her and hold onto her and never, ever let go. He was standing so close to her now, she entwined her fingers in his. Her eyes softened, here it comes he thought with a smile before he closed the distance between them, his lips just millimeters away from her rosy ones now. She pulled him even closer, he could feel her hot breath on his earlobe._

"_So much for space Derek," she whispered as she obliterated the microscopic distance between their lips and kissed him. He felt like he might melt right out of his skin, his core instantly caught fire and tingled from her life-giving kiss. _

***

Derek smiled in his sleep as he ravished his girl and it was divine. It was a beautiful thing to know that _no amount of space _or distance would ever stop his soul from being connected to hers … just like his mother and father before him.

**Chapter 9 to follow.**


	12. Chapter 9, Heaven Tonight

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. **

**This song, "Heaven Tonight" is just one of the greatest girl rocker songs ever and Courtney Love sounds so together and on (really for this entire album) and the song is about a girl and I love it. If you haven't ever heard "Heaven Tonight" by Hole, you should take a listen if you have the means. **

Lyrics for Hole's "Heaven Tonight":

Here comes a sign in the form of a girl  
She's the finest, sweetest thing in the world  
Oh, take you to Heaven tonight

I feel the horses coming galloping  
In the summer's end  
Take you to Heaven tonight  
Oh, because I love you  
For what you are

I'll gallop to you  
Tonight, tonight I will ride  
I'll give it to you  
We'll go to Heaven tonight  
Tonight

I don't know why?  
Oh baby, I was heading for Heaven tonight  
I'll go to Heaven tonight  
I feel the horses coming galloping  
I'll never grow old, I'll go to Heaven tonight  
Because I love you  
For what you are

I'll gallop to you  
Tonight, tonight I will ride  
I'll bow down to you  
We'll go to Heaven tonight  
Tonight

I can't believe that I could be happy  
Summer will come again, I could be happy  
Oh, stop your crying, you could be happy  
Go to Heaven when you make me happy

Here comes a kiss that I never had  
Nothing feels like this, headed to Heaven tonight  
I love you  
Here comes a storm in the form of a girl  
She's the finest, sweetest thing in the world  
Oh, I'll go to Heaven tonight  
For what you are

I'll gallop to you  
Tonight, tonight I will ride  
I'll bow down to you  
We'll go to Heaven tonight  
Tonight

**Chapter 9 – Heaven Tonight**

Derek exited the highway, _finally_, was all he could think. His car was too crowded, the stale air smelled bad too, a stark contrast to the untainted outdoor air they had all been breathing just three hours ago.

Thank God they were almost at there, then everyone could get back to being self-centered and self-involved and he could be left to find Meredith and make his speech to her, whatever that would be, he would figure that out when he saw her, he was sure the words would just – _come to him_ – he would be inspired by the sight of her, flesh and blood.

What he wanted to say was that he wanted her, all of her. What he wanted to say was that, with full knowledge of how much he fucked things up the first time, was that he wanted a second chance and he would beg and plead and grovel until she succumbed to his advances and gave him that chance. He would be willing to do anything in order to be blessed enough with the chance to earn her trust, his thoughts about that haunted him since he had once said those words to her, back when they were together and happy.

"Shepherd, you're going to find Grey, right?" Burke asked, interrupting the systematic wave of thoughts crashing around in Derek's brain.

"Without a doubt, yes," he sighed and smiled. "You think she'll have me?"

"Hell yes," Burke said with certainty.

"What about you O'Malley, you think she'll take me back?" Derek inquired, making eye contact with George, who was seated in between the Chief and Alex in the back seat.

"As long as Sloan didn't get to her while we were gone, I think – OUCH!" he screamed when both the Chief and Alex rammed him in his ribs with their elbows.

"What the fuck? It's only the truth!" he screeched again.

"Guys, don't okay, he's right you know that don't you?" Derek said with a slightly bitter edge. "The thing about cancer is, it spreads, it spreads like poison ivy when you aren't looking and when you least expect it to … when you don't have your eye on the ball, he's right, it'll come along and screw your wife, or girlfriend if you're not looking."

"Except that Meredith, _Meredith_ would never do that to you, betray you like that. Meredith doesn't have that kind of malice in her," George stated evenly as he looked Derek in the eyes through the rear view mirror.

"Yeah, dude, Meredith, that's not her MO, she's loyal, she's _been_ wronged, she wouldn't go there, least of all with 'the cancer'," Alex chimed in.

With that Derek pressed his foot to the gas pedal and floored the car down the damp asphalt street. Light rain began to pelt over the truck. He put the wipers on and for a minute that was all anyone could hear. But for Derek, not even the intermittent wipers would drown out the barrage of thoughts racing circles in his mind.

His heart clenched in pain as the thoughts swirled and mingled and became muddled. And even though Derek knew deep down Meredith wouldn't go down that road, he couldn't trust Mark, not around Meredith. That was one thing Derek had learned from this whole mess, he couldn't trust Mark anymore than he could promise Meredith he wouldn't hurt her again.

"Change in plans," he said abruptly. "We're going straight to the hospital, I gotta get to her, it can't wait … _I_ cannot wait."

"That's what I'm talkin' about!" bellowed the Chief.

As Derek rerouted them to the hospital, he thought about Sloan and his hands touching Meredith or _something_, hell even talking to her at this point would be unacceptable in Derek's mind, he felt a wave of nausea course up his spine. He thought about that smug asshole and just wondered if he had tried to make moves on her while they were all out taking fucking space, his stomach knotted again without warning, turning his abdomen into a pit of fire and rage and jealousy.

Derek made the last turn into the parking lot at the hospital. In a strange paradox, he felt this surge of momentum come over him as he came to a screeching halt in a parking spot. It was an all-consuming undercurrent of urgency to get to Meredith. All was quiet, except the humming in his heart – _it felt like herd of wild horses charging in the wilderness –_ the humming was deafening to his ears. He sighed, he needed to get inside, but he also felt he needed a moment; he still had no idea what he was going to say to Meredith.

Derek looked through the rear view mirror; the Chief gazed out the window. "Thank God we're home, we made it, so this was –"

"Yep, it was nice fellas – _but I've got to go see about a girl though_ – you can all get home from here, right?" Derek said urgently without waiting or caring what the other men said.

***

He hopped out of the car and charged towards the main doors in the light rain, they opened via the electronic sensor and ushered him inside where the warm dry air enveloped him. He bypassed the elevator in favor taking the stairs, he felt like he couldn't spend one more minute standing idly by when he had yet to tell Meredith how he felt about things. Derek reached the fourth floor and stopped briefly to steady himself on the landing before entering the hallway.

He was exhausted and the feeling wasn't from running up the stairs. He was tired of mourning for everything that had gone wrong in his life since he came out to Seattle, he was well aware that his elusive search for a fresh start had him running in circles and now he just needed to stop. He needed to halt, he needed the world to stop spinning so he could take a moment – _take a deep breath and make a future_ – he needed to learn from the mistakes he had made so he could one day become that good, honorable and decent man he longed to be.

He rounded the corner to the Nurses' Station, "I'm looking for Dr. Grey," he huffed to no one in particular.

"She's off," one of them offered looking him square in the eyes.

"Thanks, I'll try the locker room," he smiled curtly and ran down the hallway.

Minutes later, he entered the Interns' Locker Room without knocking. It was strangely quiet, almost morbid or eerie, an aura he couldn't quite put his hands around. The door closed behind him with a small thud. "Meredith?" he shouted, his voice rang out a little more strident that he intended.

"She's not here," Izzie said as she stepped out from behind the lockers, Derek sighed as he saw and felt the source of that energy.

"Oh Izz – Dr. Stephens, ah, how are you?" Derek asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, I'm okay, I'll be fine … I'm just, I feel … lost, even in my own skin …," she said barely above a whisper.

"And your pain is indescribable to those around you, right?" he prodded gently.

"Yeah, sorry my brain is not working, just not working _right_, I can't come up with anything or any excuse, I just can't ...," she sighed.

_Derek could tell she had been crying and he hated to see it, she had gotten herself into real trouble, it happened to many of them – surgeons – the personal and professional selves dual in a battle for control sometimes, not that he had ever heard of someone splicing a LVAD wire out of love before, but to each their own, he presumed. Desperation, it sucked, he had been there too … stock images of his exam room romp with Meredith flashed in and out of his head now._

_It was a shame though, months ago he remembered Addison telling him she had what it took to be a great intuitive OB surgeon, he remembered her trying to teach Izzie a lesson about attachment to patients even back then. He sighed as he took in her appearance – she looked okay on the outside – but he was sure she was in shambles on the inside and he knew what that felt like first hand. _

"It will get better," he offered. "The void will fill up, and eventually you'll feel healed … maybe not whole, but you'll heal … um, _I know Denny wasn't just your patient_," he added the last part with haste to ensure she understood the context of his words.

"You know then? Yeah, he was a lot more than that to me," she said softy.

"I know, I mean, George told me. And I know how it feels to lose someone you love, _in more than one way_, I _do_ know –"

"Meredith." she interrupted.

"Excuse _me_?" his heart raced.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean _that_, I meant, you were looking for Meredith, right?" she said changing the subject, expertly letting both of them off the hook. "I'm moving in slow motion," she continued with a weak smile. "I was supposed to meet her at Joe's, but I don't think I can – _I assume you want her_ – or will go there, can you tell her I won't be coming?"

"I can do that," he said with a smile.

"Thanks," she smiled. "You better get going … are you all done with your space or whatever?"

"Something like that … see you later," he smiled and so did she. He turned to leave, pulled the door open and stepped back into hallway where the life of the hospital could be seen and heard. The door closed behind him.

***

As Derek crossed the way to Joe's, still wasn't sure what reassurances he would utter to Meredith, he wasn't sure how he was going to appeal to her. The rain had dissipated and left a layer of dense humid air in its trail. He knew that over the last few weeks put himself on trial, and it wasn't pretty. He had dared himself to scrutinize and examine his actions and his history, both of which he had long since tried to ignore or compartmentalize. And he was done with it.

_What was in the past – was just that – in the past and he would have to live with it, it didn't mean he had to like it … but he had to live with it. He wanted so desperately to start over, from the beginning with Meredith, recognizing the past, but begin a future at the same time. That was possible, right?_

He reached the door to Joe's and held onto the handle for a moment before pulling on it, _you can do this_, he coached himself. He opened the door and hopefully, he thought he would step into heaven tonight.

***

He scanned the bar quickly and his eyes fell upon her almost immediately. There she was, he sighed – _his beacon of hope _– his Meredith, it seemed like it had been days since he had seen her, even though he only just saw her this morning. She took his breath away, just the mere sight of her sent him into a tailspin … his senses ran into overdrive and he was a goner.

He walked towards her and couldn't help but notice how the dim light danced along her beautiful skin and flowing hair, she was positively radiant – _glowing even_ – she looked happy and at peace. Her eyes were sparkling, always sparkling, always so deep and soulful, and always full of hope. His heart raced as he neared in proximity, she looked as beautiful, if not more so, than the first time he saw her – _and with that thought –_ he took a deep breath to quell his erratic breathing and he knew what he was going to say.

"Hi. I'm Derek Shepherd," he said with a smile, extending his hand to her. He felt a strong current run through him as he brushed his forearm against the hand she had placed on the bar. She looked up and cracked a half smile. The wild horses in his chest began their charge again – _thump, thump, thump_ – went his heart.

"What are you doing?" she giggled, he watched her curious eyes, it was now or never, he thought courageously. He smiled.

"We met at this bar, do you remember? We met and you said 'I'm just a girl' and I said 'I'm just a guy' and we started this thing … we started this thing. You didn't know anything about me. The good, the bad, the wife. You didn't even know my name," he smiled and a small laugh came out from deep in his heart. "You didn't know me. I want you to know me. I want to start over … from the beginning," he held his hand out to her again – _please take it, please just take the offering_ – he thought as he continued. "So, hi, I'm Derek Shepherd."

Derek meant every word he said, he wanted her to know him, _the real him_, not the guy with secrets and baggage – _just him_ – the guy in the bar who one night met his soul mate and fell head over heels in love.

He wanted and needed for her to know this man. He wanted her to love him for whom he really was inside, he hoped to hell she already did. She smiled, but wasn't buying it.

"You walked away, and now it's too late. There's too much water under then thing or whatever," she said noncommittally, _but her eyes betrayed her a thousand times over_, she scanned his eyes for confirmation.

"Meredith, please," was all his brainless brain could choke out. He smiled, silently begging her to give him the chance he so desperately wanted. He scanned her eyes while she gazed at him and beyond for a moment – _what was she thinking_ – and then he saw it, the glimmer of hope, it flashed across her eyes so quick, anyone who didn't know her would have missed it. And then a small flirtatious smile played along her luscious lips.

"Hi. I'm Meredith Grey. It's nice to meet you," she said as she extended her hand.

And Derek's world stopped spinning, he took her hand in his, the sweet, sultry timbre of her voice as her name rolled off her tongue was like symphony. His heart rate spiked as he took her hand, Margie was right, hot damn – _Meredith had offered her hand_ – she met him half way on this, they were both in it. _Together._

"Very nice to meet you too," Derek said officially for the first time and then she closed the distance between them, her hot breath he loved so much breezed across his ear as he lowered his head to kiss her, no – _to do more than kiss her_ – to go to heaven and beyond with his love … to breathe life and hope and promise into their _second_ relationship.

**Chapter 10 to follow.  
**


	13. Chapter 10, Like a Star

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. **

**Corinne Bailey Rae's "Like a Star" is a pure, beautiful song and it kind of reminds me of coming back to an old love, a familiar love and I thought of this time in Derek's reunion with Meredith whenever I hear this song. Enjoy the chapter, we are almost to the end-point of this story, the whole point of the story is coming!**

**Chapter 10 – Like a Star**

Lyrics for Corinne Bailey Rae's "Like a Star":  
Just like a star across my sky,  
Just like an angel off the page,  
You have appeared to my life,  
Feel like I'll never be the same,  
Just like a song in my heart,  
Just like oil on my hands,  
Oh … I do love you,

Still I wonder why it is,  
I don't argue like this,  
With anyone but you,  
We do it all the time,  
Blowing out my mind,

You've got this look I can't describe,  
You make me feel like I'm alive,  
When everything else is a fade,  
Without a doubt you're on my side,  
Heaven has been away too long,  
Can't find the words to write this song,  
Oh ...  
Your love,

Still I wonder why it is,  
I don't argue like this,  
With anyone but you,  
We do it all the time,  
Blowing out my mind,

I have come to understand,  
The way it is,  
It's not a secret anymore,  
'cause we've been through that before,  
From tonight I know that you're the only one,  
I've been confused and in the dark,  
Now I understand,

I wonder why it is,  
I don't argue like this,  
With anyone but you,  
I wonder why it is,  
I won't let my guard down,  
For anyone but you  
We do it all the time,  
Blowing out my mind,

Just like a star across my sky,  
Just like an angel off the page,  
You have appeared to my life,  
Feel like I'll never be the same,  
Just like a song in my heart,  
Just like oil on my hands

**Chapter 10 – Like a Star**

Derek pulled away from that first kiss, just far enough away to look into the deep green pools of Meredith's captivating eyes. Their bubble was impenetrable at this point, nothing could get into that sucker, it was filled with love and kindness and passion and truth. The air smelled like Meredith, it smelled like home. Small tears threatened to pop from his eyes; he could hardly believe it, he was home, _finally_ _home_ where he belonged and she led him there.

He was truly breathless, he took her head in his hands and kissed her once more and smiled as he pulled back again, just looking at her made his heart leap with power he didn't know existed. He was sure he would have lost it already – _cried like a newborn baby_ – if it weren't for Meredith's lithe frame holding him up.

He closed his eyes in relief and opened them again, he smiled and that's when he saw it _– a small single tear –_ it had popped out of Meredith's right eye and traveled slowly down her alabaster cheek, he was frozen in the moment, his own mind working in slow motion as he watched the tear as it left a trail on her skin like a snail – _and that did him in_ – he was a goner.

He closed his eyes only to release his own tears without warning. Through his glassy vision, he could see Meredith peer up at him through her long lashes and he felt her wipe his tears away with her thumbs, she looked at him like he was some kind of idol, _some kind of miracle_.

"Shhh, Derek, it's okay, I'm okay … we're okay now," she pleaded gently. His racing heart slowed down at the sound of her soothing voice.

"Meredith, I know you don't want to hear promises, but I just want to say, I'm gonna try not to let you down," he choked out quietly, he brought her lips to his again and kissed her senseless, he felt her body melt into his and it was more than he could have hoped for – _it was like a dream_ – better than a dream it was like heaven on earth.

_With that thought he remembered something he promised himself he would do if he ever found himself in the position he was in now … starting that new relationship with Meredith Grey. Not now, but soon, definitely soon, and with that he pulled away from her again and he smiled. _

"What?" she teased.

"Nothing you need to know now," he teased back, smoothing her hair away from her face. He moved his hands down her back and rested them on her hips.

"Do you want to have a drink here and then go?" she asked looking straight into his eyes, inching closer while snaking her arms around his waist.

"Do you?" he countered, pulling her even closer.

"Maybe one drink, um Izzie is, well …," her voice trailed off as she no doubt thought about her friend.

"She's not coming, I saw her when I was looking for you … that's how I knew you were here, smart right?" he laughed.

"You really do like yourself don't you?" she challenged.

"Not that again!" he laughed heartily.

"Nope, not that again, now that we know about each other's pain, there's no more hiding, see we're already better, I know your name _and_ I'm making rules!" she flirted.

Derek smiled into her mouth as he devoured her lips and tongue and flesh as if this were the last time he would be blessed enough to kiss her. He vowed, after last time, that he would never just kiss Meredith like it was something he would do _for the rest of his life_ … he would kiss her with life and fervor and in the here and now, because life was full of surprises, like bombs in body cavities and far worse. He pushed those morose thoughts from his head faster than they charged in, he was happy and more importantly, his Meredith was happy.

"We can have as many rules as you want, I'll do whatever it takes," he smiled and pecked her on her nose, he shifted his feet, his knees almost buckled at the thought of having an open and honest relationship with her. He felt he would forever be changed and nothing would ever be the same and that was a good thing.

"Well in that case, lets have one drink to toast or whatever and then take a walk or something," she smiled and took his hand in hers, she led him to an empty table in the back. The bubble encapsulated them, he could see nothing else but Meredith, he could hear nothing but the beautiful velvety smooth timbre of her voice, he felt like he was floating. She kissed him and then sat down. He followed her lead.

"So, what do you want, I'll go up," he smiled and made to stand, but she pulled on his coat bringing him back down to her, taking his head gently with her long slender fingers, just the feeling of her hands on his skull did unimaginable things to his core – _fire, heat, life – _she was and would forever be his savior.

"Never mind, don't go … not yet, I can't bear it," she pleaded softly as she kissed his lips. Without moving his mouth from hers, he lifted her up, sat down back down and put her small body in his lap. They kissed like teenagers at a drive-in movie, nothing else mattered. There was no doubt in his mind they would have to leave soon, sex or not, they would have to leave, he would need to do more than kiss her, for he missed her too much and for far too long.

_His nerve endings began to relax and he was just beginning to realize the stressful pretense which he had been operating under for the last month. He felt his skin melt, his pours began to fill up, the worry lines were receding – and all so rapidly – like the calm that comes after a storm._

_There was nothing quite like a kiss from Meredith, nothing in the world topped it. He moved his hands up her back to her neck and held her skull underneath her beautiful golden tresses; he moved her head so he could wield control over the long kiss. Finally breaking free for air, he kissed her one last time for good measure. They stared at each other, each at a loss for words; her smile was so happy and genuine._

"We need to go Meredith, we need to stand up and go – _we need to be alone_ – I can't share ...," he said with a shaky voice, he took a deep breath to try to calm the heard of horses wreaking havoc in his chest, she scanned his eyes with hers, secretly telling him her fears. "I know, we'll take it slow, I just don't want to share this moment," he smiled weakly.

"Well, neither do I, I don't – _lets go then_ – to my house, I have an idea," was all she said and it was all he needed to hear.

She kissed his neck and his chest pounded wildly, she stood up from his lap. She held out her hand, he took it and they walked towards the door. He opened the door and they stepped out of Joe's and into the world as a couple, for the first time – _wild and free_ – their only obligation but to be true to each other.

They walked hand and hand into the cool damp air. Derek shivered, but it wasn't from the air, it was from the mere thought of holding hands with Meredith. Nothing could wipe the big fat grin from his face, nothing. He spotted her truck and they walked over in that direction. The evening mist hadn't receded and he felt Meredith shiver, he instinctively snaked his hand around her waist.

"Cold?" he inquired.

"No, actually," she smiled looking up at him; her eyes twinkled in the dim light of the overhead street lamps. She fished for the keys in her bag and handed them to him.

"You'll drive, we can just leave yours okay?" she leaned up against the car next to the passenger door.

"Okay," he reached around her and opened the door, kissing her neck as he did. "I can't get enough of you, you know that right?" he said into her neck.

"Old habits die hard, I guess," with that she giggled and got into the truck and closed the door.

"Yep, they do," he chuckled as he tossed the keys in the air and caught them. He walked around to the driver's side and slipped out of the cool air into the warmth of the cab with his love.

Meredith leaned over and kissed him and he could have honestly kissed her in the front seat, or the back seat of the truck all night, he pulled her closer and kissed her – sweeping his tongue into her mouth – he heard her moan and his cock hardened on that command. She broke away, placing her hands on his chest to steady herself, he could feel her hand over his heart muscle. She looked up at him, and pressed her hand down more firmly onto his heart, as if to try to calm him – _it worked_ – her touch was magical. He saw her wild impassioned eyes and she smiled.

"We better get going," was all she said as she sat back in her seat.

Derek turned the key over and the truck came to life, he turned the headlights on and the sound of The Clash all of a sudden filled the cab.

_Say you stand by your man  
Tell me something I don't understand  
You said you love me and that's a fact_

Derek threw his head back and laughed over the music; Meredith looked at him and giggled.

"_Train in Vain_, really Meredith?" he laughed again, looked over to her one last time and checked the road. With a smile, he pulled out onto the street. Meredith smiled and stared ahead, her cheeks flushed like a beautiful rose.

"Your choice in music isn't all that bad, really," she said with a huge happy smile. "I actually love this song now, thank you very much!"

"It is, it's a great song, just has a great beat," he said as he thrummed his fingertips on the steering wheel. Derek stopped at a red light; he began to sing along, how could he not it was The Clash after all. He turned to look at Meredith while he belted out the lyrics completely off-key.

"_All the times  
When we were close  
I'll remember these things the most  
I see all my dreams come tumbling down  
I won't be happy without you around"_

She smiled knowingly as she thought about the lyrics. The signal changed and Derek pressed on the gas pedal. The low lying fog lingered so he drove carefully and hummed along, taking chances to look at Meredith every couple of seconds. He rounded the last corner and pulled in front of her house and heard Meredith's voice singing off-key, just like him. He cut the engine off, but not the music, the song was coming to an end, in a completely weird alternate universe kind of way, singing along to The Clash with Meredith felt completely normal.

"_But without all these things I can do  
But without your love I won't make it through"_

She turned her head and looked him square in the eyes. "I do love that song, you know, reminds me of you."

He turned the key and pulled it out of the ignition. "Stay put, I'm coming around to open the door," he ordered gently.

She obliged and Derek got out of the car and came around. It was chilly outside and he felt it all of a sudden. He opened her door and held his hand out; Meredith hopped out of the car and slipped her hand into Derek's, it felt completely perfect, like the missing piece of a puzzle had been found. He squeezed her hand as they walked up the pathway and onto the porch. He used the key on her ring to open the door and ushered her inside.

As soon as they were inside, she shoved him up against the wall next to the doorway and kissed him. The room was dark, except for the light coming in from the porch, her lips were cool, but that did nothing to dampen the fire in his heart and mind and soul. He felt his heart race again and his knees buckled at the pure bliss of her warm inviting kiss. She removed his jacket and put it down on the entryway table. She then removed her own and smiled.

"I'm glad we're home," she smiled simply. "I'm thinking wine first, talk or whatever else later," she said as she pulled his hand to lead him into the kitchen.

She entered the kitchen and he watched as she grabbed a bottle of wine and two glasses. She slipped her shoes off and handed him the wine bottle. She grabbed his sweater with her free hand and led him towards the stairs. The glasses clinked together as they moved; he couldn't wait to be alone with her, he craved refuge, he wanted to be alone with her in her room where they could just be – _together_ – with nothing between them but the minutes and hours of uninterrupted time.

Once inside the confines of her room, Meredith switched on the small bed side light. Derek watched her, never taking his eyes off of her, it was surreal being in her room again after so many nights dreaming about sleeping with her –_it almost seemed like a dream now _– someone should pinch him. He took a deep breath to quell his racing heart, but it was a futile effort.

Meredith padded across the room to him again, she snaked her arms around his waist and reached up and placed small kisses on his neck right under his ear, her voice purred as she spoke.

"Derek, lets start off fresh – _clean_ – do you want to shower?" she smiled and then he kissed her because he had no words. He kissed her and while he did, his hands roamed over her back, he brought his hands up and cupped her face.

"There's nothing _clean_ about taking a shower with you …," his said suggestively, but his words trailed off as he kissed her fully again, he just couldn't help it. "But maybe we could take a bath together instead."

"We can do that, slow though Derek – _slow, no sex_ – not tonight," she said softly as she gazed into his eyes.

"Foreplay can be better than sex anyway," he smirked as she pulled out of the hug. "Lets go run the water."

_He took her hand and led her into the bathroom. He leaned over and started the water. Before turning the light on he found the matches and lit all of the candles around the tub. He turned around; Meredith was standing at the door frame. He crossed the small room and pulled her inside, closing the small distance between them. He reached behind her and closed the door. He felt her hot breath on his neck; they were enveloped by the moment._

_The warm humid air began to fill the small room. She looked so happy; he could cry just at the sight of her, with him in her bathroom, the proximity was surreal. He hugged her and walked her over to the toilet seat and sat her down. She, like him, was moving in slow motion. He turned and reached over the tub and poured some bath stuff into the water and her melodic giggle filled the dim room._

"That's too much, you're gonna smell like flowers," she giggled.

"Small price," he smiled as he looked over his shoulder.

He stood and crouched down so he was at eye level with her. He reached down without looking and slipped her socks from her feet. She scanned his eyes; he fell to his knees between her thighs. Derek cupped her face in his hands; he ran his thumbs along her cheeks. It would all be fine – _they would be fine_ – he tried to reassure her with his eyes.

"I know it will be okay," she said as she got his message. "I just want to do it right this time."

Derek leaned his forehead against hers. "Me too," he choked out and before the tears threatened to fall again, he kissed her.

He stood and moved to turn the water off. When he turned around, Meredith was standing. He went to her, God she looked beautiful. He moved to stand right in front of her, her body heat radiated, warming him from the outside in. He kissed her deeply, resting his hands on her slender hips. He unbuttoned her jeans and then found the zipper. She pulled on his sweater and they broke away from their kiss so she could pull it over his head. She went to work on his buttons and he kissed her – _he tugged on her light sweater this time and they broke free_ – he pulled it over her head. He threw it to the floor and pulled his button down shirt over his head.

He pulled her closer; skin on skin contact is what he craved. He placed his hands on her shoulders. Their abdomens were touching, she ran her hands along his chest, her fingers danced along, touching, feeling, he just stared into her eyes. He kissed her again and she moaned into his mouth – _he found her tongue and sucked on it_ – she deepened the kiss as he unclasped her bra and moved it off of her shoulders. It fell to the ground. Derek brought her closer and felt her protruding nipples on his bare chest. It was more than his heart or cock could handle.

He kissed her quickly once again and broke away, moving away, slightly before he kissed her neck, her shoulder, down the side of her breast to her abdomen where he kneeled down and with one movement he unzipped her jeans, gently pulling them down with her panties over her tush, then down to her feet. Her woman's scent filled his nostrils and stuck there, never had he smelled something so intoxicating. He pressed tiny kisses to her hip bones as he steadily removed her feet from her jeans. She grasped his hair in response; he trailed kisses back up the length of her supple body. He reached her face and kissed her without abandon. His fingers instinctively found her nipples and he gently massaged them with the pads of his thumbs. They both moaned with pleasure.

Meredith unzipped his pants and pulled both his pants down a bit; his cock sprang free from its confines. She brought her foot up and pulled the pants down to the floor. Derek stepped out of them. She moved closer, pressing his cock against her belly. She kissed him wildly and then giggled.

"Someone else is happy to see me too!" she exclaimed with pure joy.

"Hmm, you have no idea," he said into her neck.

He backed them up and found a hair band on the side of the sink, he held it out for her and she scooped her hair up. He held her hand as she got into the tub. He followed right behind her. The water was hot, comfortable; he moved to lean against the edge of the tub. Meredith sat facing him; he took her foot in his hand and massaged it. She smiled and leaned her head back and moaned.

"God, I missed your hands, they're magical …," she smiled and in that moment, Derek felt his nerve endings melt into nothingness, here he was just massaging her small feet and it felt like heaven. He gently placed her foot down and picked the other one up. Being a surgeon was hard work, lots of standing, holding body movement to a minimum while in the OR – _sometimes_ _a foot massage was better than sex_ – especially for an intern. He smiled.

"And I missed you," he said softly.

_Her eyes opened and she smiled, and he knew it was true … she missed him too. He felt remorse for all the time they missed out on already, but he was excited by the hope and promise for something new. Meredith moved her hand up to her brow, the water splashed around her; he could see her raspberry nipples peeking in and out of the water's edge. Just the sight of her did him in, his head spun … literally spun, so it was a great surprise when Meredith suddenly pulled her foot from his hand and in fry of well-executed movements, she was there – on top of him – straddling him, water exploded with force all around them from her movements, a mini tidal wave of water and emotion filled his heart and soul. _

"You were too far away," she said simply, softly, her voice was always a calming force.

Derek laughed and reached up to kissed her, her lips were slippery and wet and warm and inviting. He felt the heat from her core and his mind immediately drifted to her warm, wet center – _he cupped her face and moved her lost tendrils from her cheeks_ – her beautiful face flushed with a rosy tint. God, he could ravage her, right here, right now.

_He moved his hands down to on her chubby, perfect ass and left them there. Her skin was supple and slippery. He looked into the deep pools of her eyes and got lost, transported by her gaze and the depth of her eyes, he was so close – closer than he had been to her in a long while – intimately close. One tear escaped, he just couldn't hold it back. She saw it and instinctively wiped it away with a smile._

He kissed her senseless, pulling her closer so he could feel her rosy hard nipples sway against his bare chest. He ran his hands up from her tush to the outer perimeter of her breasts, he longed to feel her puckered nipples in between his fingers and his tongue and his teeth. He kissed her once more and moved down to her neck, she hung on him, thirsty for his touch. God, he loved that he could do that to her – _her pleasure was his_ – they were one to each other.

Moving his lips down, he kissed her collar bone and elicited a moan of tortured pleasure from her. He swept his head down and took a deep breath of her scent – _it wafted up from the splashing water_ – God, he wanted her! He wanted her so badly! He moved his tongue over her engorged breasts and sucked on her nipples, he bit down only to hear her squeal with delight.

His cock was harder than he had ever remembered, it bounced and bobbed around, seeking entry – _for it knew where the prize was_ – it knew the way home, brushing up against Meredith's pelvic bone, damn … he could cum on the spot! She grinded into him as she moved her hands down to his face and brought his mouth back up to hers, taking him from her breasts. Her tongue swept his mouth – _he kissed her wild and free_ – with no guilt, the water moved between them adding an element of motion and abandon, suddenly, there was no cause to hold back, his mistakes and their time apart drifted away into nothingness.

_He was free, she was free, they were free._

"Oh God, Meredith, why can't we just – _I want you_ – I want you so badly," he pleaded into her mouth. "If you wanna wait, you have to – _you have to move from me_ – you have to turn around … come, sit here," he husked.

He moved her so that she was sitting in between his legs. The water massaged their tired bodies as it moved with their motion. His cock banged into the small of her back. He hugged her close, his hands roaming around her breasts and shoulders.

"I can't take it – _you slippery and wet_ – it's too much, I could have a heart attack from my desire for you," he teased breathlessly, resting his head on her shoulder.

She giggled. "What did I say?"

"Seriously?" was all he could say as he smiled. His cock still pressed into her back. It wasn't his fault – _really it was hers_ – for this is what she did to him.

"Seriously," she said just as breathlessly, bubbles and water splashing about.

_Boy it was going to be a long night; he wouldn't deny it he wanted to make love to Meredith. He wanted sex with her, but they had time and he wanted to do it right. He wanted to do what he needed to do to make her happy and nothing else mattered._

"Seriously," he said again for good measure before he went back to teasing her. Kissing her neck and earlobes, massaging her nipples, pressing on all of her secret pleasure points – _just to drive her mad and hear her giggle _– yeah, it would be enough. _For now._

**Chapter 11 to follow.**


	14. Chapter 11, Come Away With Me, 1 of 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. **

**If you have a chance, check out the song, Norah Jones, "Come Away with Me", her voice, truly amazing and this song was the target for the next chapter, which is a five-parter.**

**Chapter 11 – Come Away with Me**

Lyrics for "Come Away with Me":

Come away with me in the night  
Come away with me  
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus  
Come away where they can't tempt us  
With their lies

I want to walk with you  
On a cloudy day  
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high  
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss  
On a mountaintop  
Come away with me  
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain  
Falling on a tin roof  
While I'm safe there in your arms  
So all I ask is for you  
To come away with me in the night  
Come away with me

**Chapter 11 – Come Away with Me – Part 1 of 5**

Derek awoke slowly from a glimmer of a dream, his Meredith was with him, they were happy, he tried to hold on to the dream, _he tried to go back_, tried to capture the warmth that radiated through his soul and set his heart ablaze with comfort and trust and love. He was warm too, the sensation of her touch still on his skin, more real than ever before.

He wanted to go back, _not again_, he thought as his subconscious tried to break through, he needed to go back for that kiss, _Meredith's kiss_, he needed to feel it, and oh, the flickering lights, he so desperately wanted to go back and immerse himself there, but all was lost, all was black and bleak. Hopeless.

He rolled over and took a deep breath only to open his eyes and see Meredith, were his eyes betraying him, was it not a dream, was in her room after all?

Memories flooded his mind and the events of the previous night came back to him, his dreams of Meredith had been so real as of late, he was disoriented – _he felt lost for a moment_ – he longed to touch her, but he wouldn't, not yet. She looked so peaceful as she slept, albeit the snoring, which he missed terribly, she truly took his breath away.

Instead, he looked up to the ceiling. It must be windy outside, he mused. When they were last together, he awoke countless times only to hear her snoring and he would watch the shadows play against the walls of her room, _their refuge from it all_. On particularly windy days the tree outside her window would cause the shadows to dance and he would lay back and ponder the mess of his life _– unbeknownst to Meredith at the time_ – and sometimes he would find comfort and solace in the shadow show as it played out against her light snores.

In a strange paradox of feelings, he smiled at the memory, those wee hours of the morning were special, and although painful to think about, he needed to. Tears popped from his eyes and streamed down his face. He was so angry at himself, the last time he had slept here with Meredith things were brilliant between them, on the surface they were a match made in heaven. His chest tightened at the thought of his crimes, his crimes against Meredith and their love, the concealment of his marriage and Addison were truly unforgiveable and would resonate with him for a long, long time to come.

_And yet, he was here, and blessed and loved and safe and finally home. _

He would need to get over the agony of his decisions. He was damaged and he knew that, but he knew deep down he could trust Meredith with his life, for she had already saved him once before.

None of these thoughts were new revelations. It was just being privileged enough to wake up next to her, in _her_ room, in _her_ bed, in _her_ sanctuary, now after everything he had done, well it brought on a new level of intense feelings for all that he missed and the mistakes he was responsible for.

He turned his head and focused on Meredith's sleeping form. She was lying on her side, facing him; her golden tresses surrounded her head like a halo. She was nude and her flawless skin glowed in the predawn light. A thin cotton sheet was draped around the lower half of her body; he could see one knee poking out, and also one perfect foot. Her chest moved up and down with each breath and one of her full breasts was there and exposed for the taking. He so badly wanted to take her in his arms and smell her and make love to her, he longed to feel her writhe under his touch.

He thought about their orgasmic experience last night after their bath, his cock hardened at the mere thought of it, how he longed for a replay this morning and something told him … Meredith would be game. As if she were receiving his subliminal messages, she stirred in her sleep and slowly opened her eyes.

"You're here?" she asked slightly disoriented.

"I am, so are you, you're here with me," he said, her eyes sparkled albeit the shadowy light coming in from the window.

"I am," she smiled.

"Come closer," he ordered gently and she obliged, he just needed proximity, intimacy, he needed her and nothing else.

He hugged her and she rested her head on his chest, her ear pressed over his beating heart. She smelled glorious, like her woman's scent and flowers mixed with him, it was surreal, it wasn't just a hopeless dream, they were together. He held onto her just as tightly as she held him.

"I've been having these dreams about you," he confessed and with that Meredith officially woke up. She picked her head up and put her chin on his chest; he leaned closer and kissed her forehead.

"Good morning, my bright and shiny queen," he said as he kissed her again.

"Morning, I _do_ feel bright and shiny, it must be working, what kind of dreams?"

"Magical ones," he smiled and looked into her eyes as he spoke. "So real like I could almost touch you and feel you, it's the same almost every night. It starts out and I am looking for you, but not frantically, then I am with you – _like dream-floating or something_ – and always, always, there are the strangest most beautiful flickering lights. I can never see the source, but the motion of them is unique, _different_, the shadows bounce around, there is no pattern to their change, but oh what they do to your beauty … it's nothing short of unimaginable," he husked as he reached down and gently cupped her head with his free hand. "Come closer okay, I need you up here with me."

She moved up and kissed him senseless, his hands covered her naked skin, touching, feeling, just ever so slightly with his finger tips. Meredith shimmied down a little bit and put her head in the crook of Derek's neck and shoulder. She draped her leg over his thighs, placing her foot in between his kneecaps. He could feel the heat from her warm wet center pressing against his hip bone. His cock woke up, _down boy_, he thought with a grin.

Meredith made sweeping motions along Derek's chest with her free hand, he closed his eyes … it was no longer a dream. His nerve endings collapsed, he was consumed by relief and he felt blessed and happy.

"Candles," she said softly.

"Hmmm…yes, that was amazing, I'm gonna order one of those every night forever and ever and ever, it will be our new ritual," he said thoughtfully, thinking of their bath last night.

"Yes, it was, but I meant your dream … it could be candle lights," she said as kissed the hollow of his neck and he realized she was right.

"Yes, flickering candle lights, hmmm, all this time … I couldn't figure it out, we always seemed to be surrounded by blackness – _like the land around the clearing at night near the trailer_ – but yes, flickering candles, it's an amazing dream," he kissed the top of her head.

She kissed his naked chest and ran her fingers over his nipples; they stood at attention from her simple touch. She kissed one and the tip of her tongue brushed against his sensitive areola. A shiver coursed through his body and it wasn't from the cool morning air. The room was still dim, the sun yet to rise. It was a perfect way to wake up: _mind, body, spirit_.

"What's your schedule for the day?' he asked, she looked up to him.

"Well, first I want a replay of last night," she flirted, _that was his girl_, always hot for an orgasm. "And then I have to visit my mother, apparently she has stopped eating …"

"Hmm …I'm sorry, it does happen, she'll bounce back, do you want me to come with you, I'm supposed to be camping, remember?" he smiled reassuringly.

It broke his heart that Meredith needed to care for her mother considering their how their relationship had deteriorated prior to her illness; it made it a thankless task for her, more out of obligation, than love. He would do anything to make it all go away.

"Oh yeah, you had to come back for me," she kissed him. "I'll be fine, but then I have to go to work …hmm …" she dismissed her last thought with a smile.

"What …finish your thought," he prompted, running soothing circles around the small of her back.

She looked up through her lashes, her cheeks became rosy. "I'll miss you," she said frankly and he knew she meant it. He looked her in the eyes and he knew it was time.

"I'll miss you, but there's no way you'll get rid of me that quickly, I'll come to work – _but then I want you to come away with me, somewhere _– I want to take you somewhere, before we really start this thing," he breathed. "I want to say some things to you, but I want you to know they are the truth and that they come right from my heart – _and I need to say them in a more sacred place_ – will you come with me?" he asked simply.

"Where are you going to take me, _church_?" she teased.

"Nope, you'll have to trust me, but I know you'll love it once we're there," he smiled and her eyes twinkled with amusement.

"Okay, I'm all yours," she leaned up and pulled him to her, rolling him over so he could pin her to the bed. Derek chuckled at her tenacity, but wasn't surprised by it.

"Is that so," he teased, hovering over her. He so badly wanted to thrust into her warm hot center, but he moved down ever so slightly, placing his abdomen in between her thighs, resting on her pelvic bone.

He kissed her and bent his head down to sweep his tongue over her ripened nipples. He took one in his mouth and pushed on it with the tip of his tongue – _he felt the rosy hard peak fight with him and then quickly he sucked it back out from its indented position_ – Meredith loved that, she moaned with pleasure, her body twisted under his. She wrapped her long legs around his torso; he felt her wet folds spread along his abdomen. His cock strained against the mattress.

Her hands were on his skull instantly and she tried to bring his face up to hers for more kisses – _but he devoured her other breast instead_ – kissing it from the underside and then moving to the swell of her breast on the side that created her hourglass figure up on top.

"Derek, please …," was all she said within a moan, it was all she needed to say.

He kissed her chest and shoulders and neck and everywhere in between. He took her earlobe in his mouth and sucked on it, eliciting giggles of pleasure. He paused to take a look at her beautiful flushed face. The room had become slightly more illuminated as the minutes ticked on – _but they still had time _– they had all the time in the world.

"What?" he teased as he pulled back to look her square in the eyes, he placed his hand over her heart and it tapped wildly against his palm. He smiled and removed his hand and planted kisses over her heart muscle, attempting to calm her, but provoking his heart instead.

He knew she wanted control, she wanted him in her mouth, but the suspense was part of the game and he wouldn't concede – _not yet anyway_ – maybe not even today.

He moved down her torso and ran his wet tongue over her supple body as he did. He took one of her nipples and twisted it gently between his thumb and pointer finger and then released it, he lapped at the nipple and then blew on it – _he watched as it became hard and puckered and ripe before his eyes_ – Meredith wiggled underneath him, grasping at his shoulders and scalp, anything she could find.

He traveled further down her body and halted, laying his head on her abdomen. He took a deep breath to regulate his breathing. She bent her free leg up, so that her foot was flat on the bed, providing the access he needed. He looked up one last time and saw that she had begun to test the weight of her breasts with her palms, while running her thumbs slowly over her nipples, arching her back in pleasure.

"Don't stop, please Derek …," he heard her whimper, her eyes closed, she was beautiful.

He turned away from her face and focused on his prize again. The smell of her sex wafted up to his nose arresting his senses, he peered down and could see her folds were glistening already. He loved that he could do that to her, it was a mega turn on. He dared himself to inch lower, her sex intoxicated him – _he was high instantly_ – stymied by her glorious untamed beauty. He reached over her raised knee and grabbed a pillow.

"Meredith, lift up, lift," he commanded softly, she heard him and he positioned her tush on top of the pillow and draped her other leg on top of it, helping her to plant the souls of her feet on the bed. He moved and knelt between her legs, reaching, he then hovered over her one last time and kissed her – _his cock began brushing and bobbing_ – begging for entry against her wet, exposed, plump folds.

Derek angled himself above her opening so his cock rested on her abdomen as he kissed her face and neck and chest and breasts, she grabbed his shaft and pumped, he felt her long slender fingers move the soft skin over his hardened muscle. She wiped her finger across his opening and he moaned into her neck as he sucked on her fleshy earlobe. She reached back and pressed two fingers on his perineum, he growled in reply.

He began his descent again in earnest, he needed to taste her, taste her flesh and her essence – _he needed to draw it out_ – and not just for her, but for himself too … there had been too many missed opportunities for love-making already and he planned to make up for them all. Derek pushed himself back to a kneeling position and steadied himself so that his cock was at her entrance.

He held his cock and brushed it up and down her slick folds, Meredith yelped in pleasure, he did it again – _up and down_ – she felt warm and inviting, the force moved the soft skin encasing his hard muscle, he did it again – _up and down_ – the skin to skin contact was almost more than he could take, the tip of his cock was so sensitive, it was almost as pleasurable as being submersed deep within her walls and heated core.

She was wet, slick, and ready. He leaned back on his heels and put the palm of his hand on her pelvic bone, he leaned down – _adding some pressure_ – she opened her eyes and stared at him with an encouraging smile. He moved his hand and she let her legs fall open, completely exposed and trusting. He spread her wet, engorged folds gently, exposing her red center; she glistened in the natural light, _what a fucking turn on_. He took his cock with his other hand and rubbed the fat head against her clit.

"Derek, please," she writhed around uncontrollably with pleasure and gripped handfuls of the available bed linens to steady herself.

"Open your eyes, Meredith open your eyes … watch me, watch what I do to you," he ordered gently, she opened her eyes and looked at him through her pleasure-ridden haze. He looked at her intently – _it's all okay_ – he told her without words and she understood he would honor her wishes – _he wouldn't enter her_ – he just wanted to play.

Derek pressed the head of his cock onto her clit again, holding it there and with that he pushed one of his fingers into her dripping hot core. Her molten fluid trickled out of her and onto his hand and he pumped his finger in and out rhythmically. Her hips moved with his movements, deepening each thrust a little more each time. He could feel her juices cover the tip of his cock, he pulled his finger and out and swiftly ran the tip of his penis along her seam again, _up and down_. The intoxicating smell of her sex was almost too much for him, he wanted to taste her, drink the fruits of his labor … he wanted to empty the well.

But he wouldn't. Not yet anyway. He released his cock and reached up and pulled another unused pillow from the side and slid it under Meredith's head, she would need more leverage he decided.

_He kissed her, her tongue probed his mouth and she deepened the kiss. His hard cock jabbed at her wet center, they moaned simultaneously. She grabbed his cock again, but he immediately took that hand and brought it to her center. He raised her middle finger and curled it towards her and eased it into her core – he then took his own finger and gently slid it in – her eyes popped open, he smiled at her knowingly as they worked together to get her off. They pumped faster and faster, they could feel her delicate muscles clench around their fingers, Derek felt phantom clenching and pulsing around his cock, he was going to explode at this rate._

"Oh God, Meredith, I can't hold it, I can't … I want you too much …,"

Suddenly she pulled her finger out and brought it up to Derek's mouth and instinctively he sucked on it, _once, twice_. He lowered himself to her face and kissed her – _he needed her_ –he needed all of her and we would take what she would give, what she would trust him with at this moment. Meredith was always a very generous lover and he tried to match that generosity tenfold every single time they had made love. Now that he had a taste of her, he needed more.

Derek lay down in front of Meredith, he pulled the pillow out from under her tush and snaked his forearms under her thighs. She spread her legs and put her feet flat on his back, she was ripe, ready and exposed.

Derek pushed his tongue into the deep, wet caverns of her core. She tasted divine, the perfect balance of sticky, salty and sweet. He stroked his tongue up and down her sopping wet seam. He moved his arm and inserted one finger into her slowly and pumped rhythmically, while keeping his tongue inside of her the best he could. Meredith took his head in her hands and tried to move his tongue up to her clit – _he wanted to please her so he spread her folds with his fingers and sucked on her clit _– Meredith yelped and grabbed his shoulders.

He could feel her muscles clench around his finger – _he moved back about an inch and watched as her muscles continued to systematically clench in and out_ – her juice trickled down her thigh and he watched as his finger was swallowed up whole by her core, the clenching, it was insane. It made him want to cum with her.

He lapped up her juice, he wasn't sure if there would ever be enough of that stuff to satisfy his craving. He plunged his whole mouth over her opening and tried to siphon it all out by sucking on her core and folds. She writhed in pleasured bliss, twisting her body and arching her back. He found her clit and bit down ever so slightly. Meredith's hips came off the bed and she screamed his name as her last orgasm washed over her. He released her clit and slid his finger out.

He reached up and pulled her to his chest and held her as her orgasm washed over her. He sat Indian style and she sat on his legs. He pressed teeny kisses to her temple, his thumbs finding her breasts. He breathed her in, inhaling all of her he could get. He watched as she came down from her orgasmic high – _her features changed from tortured pleasure to post orgasmic bliss_ – her head lulled from side to side, she clung to him as if he was her life preserver. She opened her eyes and peeked at him shyly.

"I want you, I missed this, the intimacy, no _our_ intimacy – _I want to trust you _– I _need_ to trust you and I promise you, we'll go all the way and back and soon … I just need time," she said softly, her deep, soulful eyes bore into him, she reached up and held his face in her hands, she kissed him without abandon.

"We have time Meredith, we have it and I wouldn't trade it for anything, bright and shiny remember?" he said as they broke away from each other.

He kissed her. Her hair was matted to her face and she was sweating from her core workout. He grabbed the sheet and covered them with it and lay down with her once again. She moved her body flush up against his and they melted into each other immediately.

"So, I'll come with you to work and then tonight, you'll come away with me, okay?" he asked quietly with a big grin on his face.

"Yes, bright and shiny, I will, I'll come with you … if it will make you happy, I will," she smiled.

"I like the sound of that, do you have time to nap with me for a few?" he asked and kissed her again.

"I do," she reached up and pecked him one last time and then settled into the crook of his shoulder and his neck.

_He could feel her hot sweet breath breeze along his collar bone. He squeezed her tight. He still couldn't believe he was with her, it all seemed like a dream, but it wasn't, it was as real as it was ever going to get._

_The morning light fully illuminated the room now and the sun peeked through the leaves of the tree outside Meredith's window. Their first day back together, and it was quite literally bright and shiny. And with that, he knew without a doubt that he, Derek Shepherd, was completely sated and utterly in love with Meredith Grey. _

**Chapter 11 – Come Away with Me – Part 2 of 5 follow.**


	15. Chapter 11, Come Away With Me, 2 of 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. **

**Chapter 11 – Come Away with Me – Part 2 of 5**

Derek sat in the main lobby of the hospital waiting for Meredith, he had done this before – _waited for her_ – but never had he been so excited and so hopeful for what was to come, he felt euphoric. He sighed with happiness and relief, his mind swirling with emotions he couldn't part with. He couldn't wait for Meredith to come, _come with him_, so he could tell her all that he knew _and_ all that he didn't. The day wasn't so bright and shiny after all, but the blows were softened by the real and tangible presence of Meredith in his life.

His mind drifted to his little patient, Mia, she was strong, a fighter and in the end she survived and was surrounded by her parents and her nanny, the people she loved most in the world, and that, well that just made Derek feel satisfied – _beyond satisfied_ – there was nothing like restoring human life. Even better now, he got to share the joy with Meredith; he would have that to look forward to from now on, every day, saving lives with Meredith by his side. His heart skipped a beat and he smiled, he was blessed – _he didn't deserve it_ – but he was nonetheless.

With that, the elevator chimed and the doors opened. Derek looked up to see his love, _his life_, his Meredith step over the threshold and into the lobby. She looked tired, but just as beautiful as the first time he laid his eyes on her. An even smile graced her glorious face and eyes, _her eyes were twinkling_, how did she do that? He stood and closed the distance between them in two steps.

"Hi," he said simply, the bubble encapsulated them and for the first time at the hospital without hesitation, he cupped her face in his hands and kissed her – _wild and free_ – she dropped her bag at her feet and put her hands around his neck, he deepened the kiss as much as she would allow in the crowded lobby. Derek couldn't get enough of her, he just couldn't, and it was just that simple.

"Well, hello to you too," she smiled, pulling back just slightly. She kissed him once more for good measure.

"Are you ready?" he inquired as he leaned down to get her bag. He stood up and smiled. They would have just enough time for Meredith to see Ellis and then get to the dock before the early evening ferry would depart.

"As I'll ever be," she smiled weakly in anticipation of her visit with her mother. Derek took her hand in his and gave her a little reassuring squeeze. They walked over to gather his stuff, he grabbed his bag and they walked out of the hospital, _hand in hand_, the doors opened via the electronic sensor and ushered them out into the fresh air.

For the first time, they were coming and going from the hospital together as a couple – _for all to see_ – no hiding, no guilt, no wife, no burdens or hindrances, _just the two of them together_, that was all he ever dreamed of and now he was finally living that dream. He put his hand on the small of her back and led her to his truck. It was parked exactly where he left it last night, except that with all that had happened between him and Meredith, it felt like a year had gone by.

He opened the passenger side and she hopped in. He stood there for a beat longer and she looked up to him. He leaned down and kissed her gently, her lips were warm and tender and supple, his heart pounded in his chest and he pulled away, but as he did, Meredith pulled him closer once more and kissed him again. He broke away and smiled, neither of them said a word. He closed her door.

He rounded the back side of the truck and hoped in, started the engine and backed up. They were on their way over to see Ellis. Derek merged into the traffic on the busy street. Apparently after he and Addison had spoken to Richard, he had informed Meredith he couldn't see Ellis any longer if he wanted to make things work with Adele.

Derek understood that, he did, he understood where Richard was coming from because for all intents and purposes, Derek had an emotional affair with Meredith while he was supposed to be giving his marriage a second chance. It was wrong – _he knew it was_ – but he couldn't make a clean break from Meredith, he selfishly needed her too much, he simply craved their connection with his heart and soul.

"I'll just be a few minutes, I need to tell her Richard isn't coming anymore, um … I need to …," her voice trailed off as she smiled weakly. She turned her head to him and smiled as he made the last turn towards the nursing home.

"Break it off for him," he finished her thought. "Do you want me to come with you?" he asked gently as he pulled up in front of the nursing home and cut the engine off.

"Nope, just be here to hug me when I come out."

"I would really like to come in with you, I don't want you to do this by yourself … it's not right, you shouldn't have to do this," he stated evenly.

"I think it will confuse her, I'm gonna need her to _get it_, you know … even though each day for her is a little bit like a new day, she's living in the heyday of her residency, so it will be real to her – _her relationship with Richard was so real and tangible_ – it has resonated with her more than any other relationship she has had," her voice cracked but she continued. "It is more real than any _surgery_ she is performing today in her mind, it's so …," she sighed without finishing her thought.

"Sad, it's incredibly sad," he said thoughtfully as he absorbed what Meredith just confessed, that her mother's relationship with Richard was more important to Ellis than her relationship with her own daughter. He sighed heavy with worry.

"I was going to say frustrating, I essentially have to break up with her … _not my job_, you're right, but sad works too, I suppose," she smiled and squeezed his hand. "I'll be back as soon as I can," she leaned over and kissed him. He grabbed the back of her head and moved her closer, she swept her tongue into his mouth, he pulled back a little and kissed her once more before she swiftly turned and exited the car.

Derek watched her walk up the pathway and go inside and his heart squeezed in worry over her, he knew this was more upsetting to her than she let on and the tormented memories of their talk in the linen closet a few months ago weighed heavy on his heart. He would never forget that moment – _he so badly wanted to take her in his arms and kiss it all away _– he so badly wanted her to be his so he could help her fix it all. He remembered how useless he felt when she got up and left him alone in the dark. He decided he would bring it up later, he didn't want either of them to hide their pain, _not this time_, not even in the face of his mistakes … he wouldn't hide from them or from her.

He thought about Richard and Ellis and their emotional connection with one another, albeit her illness, just the dedication on Richard's part – _that she would be incoherent to this degree_ – and he would still be devoted to her really spoke volumes about his feelings for Ellis. And the thing is Derek got it because as sinful as his own actions were, even today when it all was said and done, he wouldn't have had it any other way. He wouldn't have traded one lunch he shared with Meredith or one walk with her and Doc over the last several months, _none of it_, for he needed those moments like he needed air to breathe.

Without warning Derek felt slightly claustrophobic, he pulled on the door handle and swiftly got out of the truck. He raked his fingers through is hair and paced a couple of steps, he felt like he was going to lose it – _just thinking about all the pain he had caused with his cowardice – _it made him sick. His heart rate spiked and he began to berate himself, he felt the pit in his stomach begin to rage against his insides. He knew he would do this – _even once he made peace with Meredith _– he knew that his guilt over everything he had done _and_ said would come back and kick his ass from time to time.

"Fuck," he said to no one in particular.

He hardly understood it himself, knowing how he felt about Meredith, he should have been man enough to end his marriage, but like a coward he hid behind the vows and the rings. He leaned up against the truck door; the fresh air filled his lungs as he took some deep breaths in hopes of regulating his wild heartbeat. It was all over now, _all in the past_, Derek silently comforted himself. He knew he would never betray himself like that again, he would go after what he wanted, he had a lot to prove to Meredith, for they were bonded … soul mates … lovers … heart mates.

Derek heard the door open and Meredith slipped outside. She looked okay, not as rattled as he thought she would have, but she never ceased to surprise him. He crossed the distance to her within a minute and pulled her into a tight hug. She relaxed in his arms and without words reassured him that she was okay. He pulled back and looked into the deep caverns of her eyes; they were glassy, slightly betraying the brave front she was putting on.

"So, how did she take it?" he asked hesitantly as led her to the truck, keeping a comforting hand on the warmth of her neck, feeling the feather-like touch of the small hairs near her scalp. She smiled and looked up to him.

"She said Richard was afraid to be happy, that she was all alone, and that she had to raise me all by herself, oh God …," she half laughed as she looked at him, tears pooled in her sad green eyes. "Derek, she seemed so … lost, incapable and that was just so …was so shocking. She … she really loved him," she closed her eyes and the tears popped out of her eyes and rolled down her cheeks with unrelenting force.

"She did the best she could Meredith –"

"That's what I told her, I think she did," she smiled weakly.

"I mean, look at you, she … she was a terrible mother, but she was broken-hearted, she just did the best she could under the circumstances, but look at you … _and I'm not defending her_," Derek added the last part with haste, he cupped Meredith's face in his hands and kissed her cheeks – _kissing it better, kissing away her tears_ – like his mother used to do for him when he was a child.

For the first time, he felt a new kind of empathy for Ellis, for she was a broken woman, and he knew what it felt like to be broken too. He hugged Meredith close, just like she asked him to before she went inside.

He knew leaving her mother alone was incredibly hard for Meredith; he squeezed her tighter with that thought, just melting into the proximity of it all. He needed her just as much as she needed him. She smiled as they pulled away from each other, he felt bereft and she shivered, the air suddenly felt cooler. He helped her into the truck, closed the door and went around and got inside himself.

He started the car, and with that behind them; he was now a man on a mission. He grabbed Meredith's hand and kissed it. He pulled away from the curb, still holding her hand in his, he just couldn't let go. He looked at the clock on the console; they would have just enough time to make it to the ferry dock.

**Chapter 11 – Come Away with Me – Part 3 of 5 to follow.**


	16. Chapter 11, Come Away With Me, 3 of 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: If you are reading this story, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. **

**Chapter 11 – Come Away with Me – Part 3 of 5**

Derek drove the duration of their trip to the dock with Meredith's hand safely nestled in his. He simply could not let go. He crossed over the ferry threshold, _clink, clink_ went the tires and he smiled and nodded to the attendant, almost home, _they_ were almost home. He squeezed Meredith's hand and she smiled brightly.

"So, we're headed to the trailer, yes?" she inquired, her eyes sparkling again.

"Patience, Meredith, patience, we have one stop to make," he smiled at her and then glanced at his watch. "And quickly, before it will be too late," he was so damn excited, his blood was running hot, his heart was on fire, his hopeful optimism was returning – _minute by minute_ _and_ _moment by moment_ – it was all melding together, momentum was in full force …Derek's dreams were becoming his reality and it felt so fucking good.

"So, should we go out and get some air?" Derek suggested.

"I have other ideas in mind," Meredith flirted as she moved closer to him. His heart rate spiked, just the idea of intimate gestures like that made Derek come alive on the inside. His nerve endings were on high alert, just from the anticipation of her touch.

"I usually like your ideas, especially when you have dirty eyes," he flirted as he draped his arm over her shoulders. "Come closer," he whispered and immediately he felt the warmth radiating from her small body.

Meredith inched even closer and peered up to him through her lashes. She smiled and turned slightly, bending her left knee over crotch and thigh. She reached cupped his face with her hands, but held him there with her long slender fingers. Derek's heart pounded like a hundred bulls charging, it was all he could hear, he was deafened by it – _whump, whump, whump_ – he was sure she could hear it too – _whump, whump, whump_ – as she stared into his eyes for a moment of truth.

He was lost instantly, her deep dark green eyes blazed with passion, luring him into her, her proximity was too close, _but not nearly close enough_, her hot breath breezed across his neck and without control he ravaged her lips and mouth fully.

She moaned into his mouth and moved her hands down to his chest, making sure to place one hand over his heart. She let it rest there. He turned slightly into her on the seat and pulled her other leg out and around him so she was half straddling him; she bent her leg around his lower back and pulled him even closer to her, her tush still on the seat.

He swept his tongue into her mouth and pulled back, only to kiss her once more and bite on her lower lip. They broke away and kissed any available skin between the two of them – _necks, earlobes, collar bones_ – all fair game, there were no limits, except that he was about to explode, his cock strained against his pants, he wanted her so badly it hurt, it really did.

He opened his eyes and looked at Meredith's flushed complexion, it glowed in the early evening light; thank goodness the days were a bit longer. He cupped her face in his hands and gazed into her never-ending eyes; she was an idol to him, someone to be cherished and valued above all others. He smiled. There were these perfect shadows, alive, they were alive behind her, illuminating her and with that thought, Derek felt perfectly in sync with her.

This is the day he would make her his, this is his second chance. Derek inched forward again, closing the small distance between them, he placed his forehead on hers, _it begins tonight_, a tear ran down his cheek, yes, he would do and say what he should have told her the first night he brought her out to the trailer – _that he had fallen in love with her_ – he should have told her then and now he would tell her without hesitation.

She held his head in her palms, her eyes glassy with emotion, her fingers holding his skull, her breathing raspy, another tear fell and he took a muffled deep breath as she wiped her fingers across his cheeks and kissed him before he could sob.

"Shh, kiss me, kiss it better," she softly demanded into his mouth as her lips crashed into his again. She dipped her tongue into the depths of his mouth, pulling on the invisible string to his core.

She pulled away, and she didn't need to say anything else, he felt relief again that he was giving him this chance at all, he hoped he would use it well, he hoped they would make it, he was sure it would be rough, but it would be worth it. Her hand instinctually moved down to his heart again. He moved his hand through her wild golden tresses, smoothing and soothing his mistakes away.

She put her head on his shoulder and reached up and pressed a kiss to the underside of his neck. He smiled, leaned down and kissed her fully on her lips. His hand found her breast, he ran his thumb over her nipple and felt a pebble-hard protrusion as he did so, what he wouldn't give to run his tongue across her bare nipple right now, she moaned and his cock hardened on her command. They sat in silence for a minute until Meredith's melodic giggle filled the cab.

"What?" he asked finding mischief in her eyes.

"I'm wet, just kissing you, I'm soaking wet, I'm pulsing, I'm …," she looked at him shyly through her lashes, her cheeks flushed.

"Meredith, you want me, admit it," he teased her with a smile, waiting was what she wanted to do, he would honor it, it didn't mean he couldn't tease her relentlessly.

He moved his fingers down to her crotch. "I want to feel you so badly, wet, hot, sticky," he unbuttoned her jeans, she moaned, he slipped his finger inside her panties and found her hole. "Admit it, I can barely handle it myself … I crave you, you know that – _it's out of pure undying need_ – I can barely stand it," he kissed her and plunged his finger deep inside of her.

She reached down and moved his finger up and pressed it over her clit. "Derek, oh God … I want it, I want it all, I just, I need time!" she yelped as he moved his finger away and slipped it back inside her hot core. "You know I do, I want to do more than kiss you …," she squirmed under his touch only fueling the fire within them both.

_He covered her mouth with his and pumped her hard. She opened her knees as much as her jeans would permit, she began to clench around his finger, he pulled it out again and pressed onto her clit, she squirmed in pure delight, he plunged his finger in again and then stealthily added another to get her off. He took his thumb from his free hand and pressed on her dripping wet clit and she was done._

_Her juice was everywhere; the scent wafted up and filled the humid, hot air of the cab. Derek took a deep breath in, just to fill his lungs up with it. He could feel her vagina pulsing like mad, the blood pumping; his cock was harder than ever. He kissed her senseless and moaned into her mouth as she came down from her high, she held on tight as the waves rocked her back and forth._

Several minutes later, she opened her eyes and found his. "You know I want you – _intimacy_ – I want it, I want to wait, but right now – _I want you in my mouth_ – I just wish it was darker," she looked around and unzipped his jeans, "I don't really care though," she laughed nervously as he leaned back to grant her access, she freed his cock, it sprang out and she giggled.

She laced her fingers around his shaft and pumped. "God, you feel so good … like lush velvet," she cooed seductively. "So soft, yet so hard … I like that I do this to you," she moved her fingers down to his balls and rolled them around gently.

"My God Meredith," Derek croaked as his head fell backwards on the seat and he began to lose all sensory control. His nerve-endings were already shot – _this wouldn't take long he decided_ – he was ready to blow already, his veins were pumping, pulsing with blood and he grew harder and harder by the second.

_And then she licked his shaft – up and down – he almost came on the spot. She did it again – up and down – her tongue warm and wet and familiar – her goal, to lubricate him fully, he grabbed fistfuls of her wild tresses, hold on, hold on, not yet, not yet he commanded silently. He felt Meredith's tongue, just the tip of it, tracing a trail around the base of his cock, she moved her mouth and with the backs of her fingernails, she gently ran her fingertips along his scrotum, she blew on his wet cock simultaneously, driving him insane. _

_When she was satisfied, she moved up and sucked on the tip of his penis like a lollipop, her mouth was like a suction cup, like she was trying to siphon his cum, tempt it, berate it, she was working hard, he gathered her hair in his hands … he needed to see her as she worked, God, she was gorgeous, just the sight of her, it stirred up emotions he had long since abandoned. _

_He watched as Meredith moved her hand up and down his shaft, and then licked the length of him again to re-lubricate, she came up again and flicked her tongue against his head, once, twice, flick, flick. He was close, she knew it too, he clenched his butt cheeks together and she sucked hard, and long and purposefully drawing it out until he popped, he let go of her hair, his ejaculation came in waves, his head fell back – his mind was fuzzy – bliss took over and he was spent. Meredith continued to suck him dry, drinking the fruits of her labors. _

She French kissed his semi-hard cock once more, swirling her tongue around his sensitive head. She smoothed her hands over the velvety smooth skin, then slipped him back inside his boxers and zipped him up. She raised her head up and kissed him fully on the mouth.

"You know, I adore your cock, you must know that, what I do to you, it fills me up," she smiled and kissed him once more.

"I'm brainless, you took me, you took all I had, I'm …empty," he laughed.

"I know we're hopeless, right?" she laughed. He squeezed her into a tight hug. He reached down and buttoned the fly of her jeans. He kissed her.

The ferry began to dock. Meredith shimmied over to her side of the seat when Derek heard her giggle again.

"What now?" he asked her, amused.

"Do you remember Bailey," she laughed, deepening her voice. "Do you mind moving this tail wagon?"

Derek howled. "Not much has changed, we're still acting like teenagers," he leaned over and kissed her quickly. "But everything has changed hasn't it, we aren't sneaking around, we're …free," he all but whispered.

"We are, we're free and it feels good," and that was all she needed to say. They buckled their seatbelts and were strapped in and ready for the next part of their journey. Derek could not possibly wait, now all he had to do was get to _Hook, Line & Sinker_, where Margie and Billy were waiting for them.

**Chapter 11 – Come Away with Me – Part 4 of 5 to follow.**


	17. Chapter 11, Come Away With Me, 4 of 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: So … we've kind of arrived at the full circle moment for this story … I truly hope you enjoy these last few parts of Chapter 11 and then the last one for the story, Chapter 12. If you are reading, please let me know if you are enjoying it, your feedback would be great! Thanks. **

**Chapter 11 – Come Away with Me – Part 4 of 5**

Derek bypassed the entrance to his land and followed the main road to _Hook, Line & Sinker_. Meredith reached over and put her hand on his shoulder, he felt the warmth of her touch radiate through his jacket, he turned to her, but she was staring absentmindedly out the passenger window. He presumed she just wanted the connection, to know he was there, which in itself was remarkable. He wondered if she was still reeling from the meeting with her mother. Probably so, he was just glad he was with her.

"We're almost there," he said breaking the silence. A small smile played on her lips as she turned to him.

"Awfully secretive Dr. Shepherd," she flirted, tightening her hold on his forearm.

"Nah, just don't want to ruin the surprise, I have plans," he mused.

He rounded the last bend and slowed the truck down before they hit the tiny road to the small town. He reached over and put his hand on top of Meredith's, she twisted her hand into his and moved them down to his thigh. She held her hand there.

"Wow," she said in wonder. "Who knew this little town was here, where are we? It's so … nice," she looked up and out her window.

Derek pulled the truck up to the curb. "We're here," he announced with satisfaction.

"We are?" Meredith asked, slightly amused.

"We are, stay put, I'll come around to get you," he ordered with a smile.

Derek hopped out of the truck and came around the back to Meredith's door. He opened the door and held his hand out for her, she smiled and took it, but instead of letting go when she got out she pulled him to her and kissed him, _long and hard_, and then once more for good measure before pulling back. He made note of her eyes, deep pools of green, darkened with desire, _also glassy with emotion_, his heart pounded into his chest at the sight of her.

"Meredith?" he asked quietly, her name rolled off his tongue. He moved his hands down to her hips to steady himself. What was on her mind, he asked himself, then silently dared himself to ask _her_ that question.

She closed her eyes to his voice and the tears popped out and traveled down her cheeks. She made no move to wipe them. He wiped them away with this thumbs.

"Meredith what's wrong, you can tell me, you can say anything to me," he pleaded quietly.

She opened her eyes and met his worried gaze. "Oh no, happy tears, just happy, okay?" was all she offered in the way of an explanation. Instead she kissed him again so he would know it was true, and he did.

"Lets go inside, I have some things to get and there are a couple of people I want you to meet," he took her hand and pulled the door open.

_The bell chimed announcing their arrival, Meredith stepped over the threshold and once again Derek felt like he was transported to some alternate universe, the shop had this special way of standing still in time. It was the same as ever, the air musty, the lighting dim, in a way that the light fixtures just needed to be cleaned and everything had a tint to it. The place was charming; really, he would never get over it. Then he heard Billy's cheerful, deep voice._

"Derek, is that you?" he yelled from the back of the shop, no doubt perched on his stool.

"Yes sir, we're here," Derek answered loudly, recalling his faint hearing. As Derek walked, he peeked at Meredith; a curious smile graced her face. He maneuvered through the maze of tackle boxes and fishing rods, holding Meredith's tiny hand in his as he led the way.

They heard Billy's booming voice again. "Margie, Derek and Meredith are here, come out!"

Derek squeezed Meredith's hand at the mention of her name. She whispered something incoherent to Derek, squeezing his hand back. Billy sat, just like every time Derek had been in the place at the back counter. He smiled over his thick bifocal lenses when he saw them – _he stood to greet Meredith_ – Derek placed his hand on the small of her back.

"Well, hello you two, you must be Meredith, I'm Bill Jacobsen, but everyone calls me Billy – _except my Margie_ – she calls me _Old Geezer_, damn glad to meet you Meredith!" he stuck out his hand and a smile larger than Derek had ever seen graced her beautiful face. Leave it to Billy, he was a charmer.

"Billy, Meredith Grey, it's nice to meet you," she took his leathery hand in hers and they both seemed to smile from ear to ear.

"It's about time we met you, young lady," he smiled, giving nothing else away, he brought his watch up to his face and scrutinized it, then he turned his head and looked over his shoulder. "Let me go see what's keeping Margie, we know you're short on time," he smiled at Meredith, all but winked at Derek and released her hand, and slipped into the back.

Derek still had his hand on Meredith's back, she turned around when Billy disappeared … her abdomen touched his. "Been talking about me, have you?" she flirted.

"Hard not to Meredith, you consume me, you know that, right?" he smiled weakly, she closed the small distance between them and kissed him quickly, her tongue dashing in for a taste of his mouth at the last second. They broke apart when they heard Margie's sing song voice fill the room.

"Derek, Meredith, lovely, lovely to meet you Meredith," she cooed as she placed a large box on the counter and walked around to the couple.

She hugged Derek first. "How's your bridge game been Margie," Derek asked conspiratorially.

"I'm the one to beat," she said as she pulled back. "Of course I have my secret weapon for distraction, I see Meredith met you halfway," she whispered the last part softly and turned to Meredith, pulling her into a Mama Bear hug that even Meredith couldn't resist.

"Let me guess," Meredith asked as Margie released her. "_He's_ the weapon of distraction," she waved her thumb pointing to Derek.

"He sure is, but I don't have to tell _you_ that now, do I dear?" she laughed, Meredith's eyes twinkled albeit the dim light of the shop. Derek watched as her cheeks blushed. He draped his arm around her shoulder.

"So, Derek I know we're short on time," Margie said as turned back to the counter and approached the box she left there. "Here's the stuff you asked for," she said with an air of satisfaction.

Derek led Meredith over to the counter, Margie around and stood behind it. "Billy and I think you'll need two more of these though," she held up a pair of hurricane lanterns.

"That's right Derek, I also added a box of 12 candles, these small white ones don't last all that long," Billy suggested.

Derek laughed. "We aren't spending the night out there, but I guess the more we have the better," he smiled and took in Meredith's curious expression.

"He also thinks you should take this, our _million_ candle flashlight," she plopped a decent sized flashlight on the counter. "It has a little stand and it isn't heavy, you can see miles with this thing, just in case you need it this time," she offered.

"Meredith, I see this is a surprise for you," Billy inquired watching her growing curiosity.

"Ah yes, I'm intrigued, but he's worth it, what do you guys think, he is right?" she teased and looked to Derek with a large smile.

"Derek, take the extra candles, she's a handful, right? C'mon, level with me, remember I'm living through you, right?" he said playfully, winking at Meredith.

"Remember Billy a -"

"A gentleman never talks, your motto, I know! You're so, so damn G-Rated!" he exclaimed.

"Oh Billy, I beg to differ there!" Meredith chimed in.

"Oh, so _he's_ the insatiable one then?" he countered.

Margie and Derek stood aside and watched the exchange, after a beat longer, Margie slipped into the back and out of sight.

"_Nah, I'm the minx, he's the instigator!" she teased without abandon._

_And in that moment Derek felt so happy, his Meredith was back, back in his life. She stood here with him teasing Billy Jacobsen like she had known him forever and Derek couldn't have been happier. Meredith was happy and that was all he really needed._

Margie appeared in the doorway to the back. "I hate to break up this party, but Derek dear, time is not on your side, it's getting darker by the second," she cautioned.

She held up a silver thermos. "My grandmother's recipe – _she made_ _delicious hot toddies_ – I just thought there should be something other than love to warm you from the inside out," she smiled graciously and placed the thermos inside the box.

"Well, don't think we're tossing you out Meredith, but Derek has-,"

"Plans," Derek finished the sentence for Billy and winked at Meredith. She smiled big.

Margie and Billy came around the counter; Billy crossed to Derek and shook his hand. "Have fun son and be careful out there," he said firmly.

"Oh Meredith," Margie cooed. "We hope to see a lot more of you and listen – _if you ever need anything_ – you come to me, okay?" she pulled Meredith into a tight hug. "He's a good man – _a decent man_ – Derek is, I'm glad you're back in his life," she said as she released Meredith from the hug.

Derek's heart raced at Margie's choice of words, of course she didn't know the extent of the mistakes he had made, but it felt good to hear nonetheless, even better, Meredith did not seem to flinch or disagree with Margie and well, that was more than he could have asked for at the moment.

"Thank you, Billy, Margie, it was pleasure meeting you," Meredith said sincerely.

Derek collected the box. "We'll get the flashlight and thermos back to you, I'll drop a check over for the other stuff," he smiled. "Thanks again, for everything," he smiled.

Derek turned and Meredith followed him, holding the door for him, the bell chimed announcing their departure, the cool evening air hit them like a wall, dusk was approaching and quickly. Derek put the box in the back of the truck; Meredith hopped in the passenger seat. Derek slipped in next to her and started the engine. He smiled.

"What?" she said with a grin.

"It smells like you in here … your sex, flowers and you, it makes me want you again," he said softly.

"I'm not going anywhere," she said with a smile, she reached over for his hand.

"I know," he smiled.

"They're really something," Meredith said.

"Yes, special and amazing, you know they've been married for sixty years?" Derek said with awe.

"Seriously? Wow," was all she could say.

"They make it seem easy, no?" Derek said frankly, he pulled onto the main road and headed for his property.

"Yeah, but I guess after sixty years, you know all there is to know, so no surprises, it has to get easier over time."

Derek thought about his marriage for split second and then added. "Easier, yes, I think so, but you also need sustained trust, unquestioning loyalty, respect," he said thoughtfully, she gazed at him. "I'm working on that for us, you know that right – _I meant what I said, I want you to know me_ – I want you to trust me, but trust, well I also have lost my will to trust a little – _not you, I trust you with my life_ – but just over Mark and Addison, the betrayal, it hit me hard, you know, does that make sense?" he asked breathlessly.

"Yes, it does, there was a time I was too angry to know that, but it makes perfect sense," Meredith confirmed, she squeezed his hand to reassure him. "You know," she said softly. "Mark was at Joe's last night when I was waiting for Izzie," she sighed, turning toward him. Derek kept one eye trained on the road, but peered at her via his peripheral vision.

"Really?"

"Really," she repeated. "He left once he saw you with me," she smiled at the thought. "But before you came back – _he told me something_ – or said something, he wasn't serious … but oddly enough, he was –"

Derek laughed out loud. "That's Mark for you, what did he say without saying?"

"He flirted with me in a noncommittal way as if to suggest he knew I wouldn't take him up on the offer – _but in a backhanded weird way_ – I felt like he was testing me _while_ testing his own resolve," she smiled. "I mean, we both know, _as sick and twisted as it is_, he has a range of real feelings for Addison, some deeper connection we do not see," Derek looked at her knowingly. "I know, right, it's weird!" she laughed.

"How did you leave it then?" Derek inquired.

"Thankfully, he was paged so I didn't have to _– he did say one more thing though –_ earlier in the day," she reflected.

"What?" Derek asked as he turned the truck onto the main driveway of his property.

"That you are damaged and maybe forever," she squeezed his hand. "And that he is responsible for it," he turned to look at her and smiled. He pulled up in front of the trailer and cut the engine off.

"He's right, he is responsible – _he killed me on the inside with what he did to me_ – but Meredith, not forever he didn't. I'm working on my capacity to forgive and I'm taking my direction from you," he leaned across the seat to look into her eyes; he was lost for a beat. "Meredith, if you can forgive me, well, then I think anything is possible, we can learn to trust again, you and me, together, okay?" he asked sincerely.

She closed the distance between them and kissed him fully on the mouth. "Okay," was all she needed to say, it wasn't a concession, it was a confirmation.

"Lets get going, dusk is upon us," he kissed her once more and got out of the truck. He came around and she opened the door and got out. "I just have to grab few things from inside, you coming?"

"I'll wait right here, I have forgotten how beautiful it is out here," she smiled.

Derek walked up the porch steps and went inside to grab some blankets, a wool hat for Meredith and extra matches. Maybe rock bottom wasn't that hard to come back from – _after all he had done it after Mark and Addison betrayed him_ – and now he was on a path to pulling himself up from his own betrayal of his soul ... _choosing Addison over Meredith_ … all he could do was sigh, what was in the past was in the past, _just let it go_, he coached himself as crossed the room and swiftly exited the trailer.

At first sight, he didn't see Meredith. On the bottom step he spied the box from Margie and Billy, she must have pulled it out, he put the other stuff on top and stood up only to see her –_down by the clearing over-looking the water_ – she found Doc's grave … _sacred ground._ He sighed; his chest began to pound as he picked up the box and walked towards her.

_The air was becoming damp and cool, he shivered, but it wasn't from the cool air or the feelings Doc's grave evoked, it was just the intensity of the moment, and all he wanted to say and ask for forgiveness for, the gamut – he was about to face the music – face his mistakes and he felt it all physically. His heart raced. He heard his voice, it shocked him, he all but whispered._

"Meredith," he called when he was close enough. She was standing at the foot of the grave. The earth was still more fresh that the surrounding area, the headstone right where he left it. She turned to look at him.

"Derek," was all she said, but her eyes spoke volumes, they were deep, he could see a twinge of trust returning. He placed the box down and grabbed the deep blue cashmere blanket from the top of the stack. He tossed it out to open it from its folded form and walked the last step towards Meredith. He draped it over her shoulders and brought her to him, he rested his hands on her shoulders.

"Sacred ground, Meredith," she closed her eyes for a split second; when she opened them again he could see her soul radiating from them.

_Someone once told him that eyes were the gateway to the soul. He always looked deep into his patients' eyes before they went under or when he would have intensely personal moments with them (in discussing the scary details of brain surgery), and he always saw it, the soul, he always saw the depth of the person, not the patient – it grounded him like nothing else – but his soul mate connection to Meredith, well looking into her eyes, was matched by no other, he felt his core stir and come alive from just one look._

"Oh, Doc," she said as she placed her hands on Derek's waist to steady herself. "Thank you Derek, thank you," she looked up and smiled weakly.

"Welcome," he choked out; he cupped her chin in his hand. "Is this what you wanted, what you had in mind?"

"Hmm …yes, it's perfect," she hugged him tighter; he buried his nose in her hair and neck. "But when – _you've been so busy_ – I didn't think you actually would have done that for me," she said simply.

"In the morning after the quarantine, after I …," he reflected. Meredith pulled back and looked into his eyes – _she knew right then that he really did love her_ – Doc was buried out of the love he professed to her that night. "Meredith, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you," he kissed her then, she opened her mouth to his and he swept his tongue into her warm depths – _their bubble came and covered them like a sheathe_ – suddenly he was warmer, his heart was on fire … from one simple kiss, so warm and inviting, he was warmed from the inside out. He pulled back from her, feeling the loss of intimacy, but he wanted her to come with him. "Meredith, I want to come back here, but before it gets too dark, can I show you something?" he asked softly, unable to take his eyes away from hers.

She hugged him closer. "I have to move then?" she asked breathlessly.

"A short walk, we'll take the blanket, just before it gets too dark, I want you to see something," he kissed her again and then took her hand. He leaned down and grabbed the flashlight Billy had given them. He took the extra wool cap and slipped it into his pocket. "Lets go," he held her hand tightly and headed to the makeshift pathway which led to the clearing he found the night he got lost. "I found this place one night, about a week after you told me you left Finn," he said as he squeezed her hand. She smiled. "Not one of my brighter times, I know, I'm an idiot," he offered and Meredith laughed. "I went for a hike and stumbled upon it, you know I realized the other day – _you can see where we are going from the trailer porch steps, it isn't that far, but that night, it felt like a million miles away_ – I got lost on the way back," he rambled on.

"I'm sure it's worth the walk then, if you want to go back and show me," she said breathlessly.

Derek spotted the bright orange marker on the tree, now he knew he didn't actually have to go up so high on the ridge … he knew that they could cut through the cluster of Douglas firs in front of them now.

He led her to the edge of the cluster and stopped. "I haven't gone this way before, but I think if we walk through here and down just a little, we'll be there, are you game?" he asked, mischief in his eyes.

She laughed. "Are we going to be lost again?" she asked with amusement as she took a step forward.

"How can we be lost if we are together?" he asked simply, she giggled and they walked into the cluster.

_A__fter a few minutes he could see the lower part of the ridge he stood on that night – the pinnacle – except this time, he wasn't lost, on any level, Meredith was here with him. He could bask in the moment with her and that, well, that was like a dream come true._

"Almost," he promised, he stepped out from under the covering of the last tree.

He moved Meredith in front of him and walked behind her as she took it all in. "Wow," was all she said with wonder in her voice.

_The space, the land, the clearing was exactly how he found it and left it that night – they could see it all – the small town, twinkling lights, it was all there, the grass was green and lush, the wind whipped across the area and Meredith backed into him seeking warmth, the flimsy cashmere blanket providing no relief. _

He pulled the wool cap from his pocket and covered her skull with and then instinctually wrapped his arms around her. He put his chin on her shoulder, turning his head once to French kiss her exposed earlobe, she moaned and he chuckled, he tucked her earlobe under the cap and rested his chin on her shoulder again.

"I want to build a house here, what do you think?" he whispered against her ear.

"What do I think?" she asked with a slight giggle. "I think you would be crazy not to," she smiled, answering her own question.

Derek hugged her tight. "The night I found this place, I was happy and I knew this was _the_ place, but as soon as I realized what that meant …," he paused, taking a deep breath of the fresh cool air to steady his racing heart, tears pricked his eyes.

"Derek," she whispered as she turned around into him. "What?" she asked, her hands moving up to cup his face. "Tell me," she whispered, but all he could do was look at her and _know and feel_ how blessed he was, she was beautiful through and through, from the inside out, he melted at the thought of standing here at the ridge with her.

"I realized I was alone and without you by my side, the moment was lost – _it was meaningless without you Meredith _– after I went back to Addison, for a split-second I thought about selling it all off, but then I remembered my promise to you, and well, I felt sick because you weren't with me, up here, on the ridge, I was relieved I kept my promise, it's so full of potential," he all but whispered.

"Well, so are we Derek, and I'm here now … and I think it's perfect," she reached up and kissed him. "It's perfect, a beautiful dream."

_He shivered at her words and she pulled him in even tighter, adding a layer of comfort he had forgotten existed, but only in her, only she could do that for him. He raised her chin with his thumb and pointer fingers, she looked beautiful in the natural dimming light – she took his breath away with one look into her eyes – he moved his hand to the back of her head and brought her to him, he involuntarily shivered again._

"Kiss me, Meredith, warm me up," he whispered into the wind.

_She reached up and laced her hands on his skull and kissed him senseless, everything around them melted into nothingness, this is what he wanted – infinite possibilities with Meredith Grey – it was all he would ever need until the end of time. _

_He didn't just kiss her, he felt the warmth from her touch from the hairs on his head down to the tips of his toes – he felt his need for her growing and growing and growing, just the inertia of it all – she moaned into his mouth, and he wanted to take her, she was grabbing at his hair, his shoulders, he picked her up and she wrapped her long slender, but strong legs around his waist. The blanket fell to the ground, he pulled the cap from her head and attacked her earlobes and neck and pulling her jacket and sweater aside to get to her neck and collar bone, he opened his eyes and looked at her, her tresses flowing in the wind, her eyes wild and passionate, he hugged her close, his ear over her heart muscle as it hummed wildly._

_He placed her feet back down on the ground, they were out of breath, the both of them and it wasn't from the altitude either, he smoothed back her hair and leaned down to get the blanket, he covered her shoulders with it – wrapped her inside like a cocoon – he pulled her to him, looking into the deep green pools of her eyes, he spoke with a whisper._

"Meredith, I want to say something to you, I want to say what I should have said the very first time I brought you out here … to the trailer _– before I fucked it all up_ – before I had ruined it all, what I should have told you," he paused as a tear escaped from one of his eyes, Meredith reached up and wiped it away for him, her fingers felt warm on his cool wet cheek. "What you never knew was that I was hopelessly in love with you – _quite possibly from the moment I met you_ – I should have told you," he sighed, her eyes became glassy. "_That you rocked my world, my core, my soul, my heart, my everything_, I should have told you I needed you above all others – _I'm sorry I ruined it for us_ – I'm sorry I broke you," he sobbed and the tears came and no amount of wiping would make them dissipate.

"Derek," she whispered through her tears, she pulled him closer, gathering the blanket in her fists to wrap it around him too."I'm not gonna say it's okay, I'm trying to trust you – _but you have to know I was deeply in love with you too_ – I was, and I could be again, one day," her words were lost in a stifled sigh, as he hugged her tight and never ever wanted to let her go, each crying tears of joy.

"Kiss me, Derek, kiss it better," she pleaded quietly and he obliged without hesitation. He kissed her fully for another minute before pulling away.

"It's getting dark, lets go back, I have something else I want to give to you and some other things I want to flush out," he smiled and felt at peace, and right now, looking at Meredith, she seemed at peace too. He leaned over and grabbed the wool cap and the flashlight, he turned the thing on and they both stood shocked for a moment.

"Wow … so, that's what a million candles looks like, wow," Meredith said thoughtfully, she wrapped her arm around Derek and they started to walk together back to the trailer.

"I guess so, it's pretty illuminating, I can see all the way through to the trailer way over there," he pointed with his free hand.

They walked carefully through the cluster of trees and back onto the main pathway, they held hands, the ground cracked under their footsteps, neither of them said a word, they enjoyed the easy silence for a moment. They made the short jaunt down to the trailer and Derek led her back to Doc's grave. He pulled the extra blanket off the top of the box and took the wool cap out of his pocket and slipped over her skull again. He kissed her and then put the blanket on the ground.

"It'll be dark in a minute or two – _I'm gonna run up and get something_ – I'll be back, I promise," he smiled.

"Okay," he said and kissed him once more for good measure and he reluctantly turned away from her and headed back to the trailer.

_He needed to get that copy of the letter he wrote to his mother. There was much more he needed to say to Meredith and that time was closing in on him, but he knew it was now or never. He knew it needed to happen, and tonight, because he loved her above all else. _

**Chapter 11 – Come Away with Me – Part 5 of 5 to follow.**


	18. Chapter 11, Come Away With Me, 5 of 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading, I truly hope you are enjoying this story, if so, please try to hit the reply button, it would mean a lot!**

**And thanks again to McEnglish, you were my sole commenter (out of hundreds of readers) who was kind enough to comment on "Lovers in Japan".**

**Chapter 11 – Come Away with Me – Part 5 of 5**

Derek made to exit the trailer door with the copy of the letter safely in the inside pocket of his jacket. His heart leapt into his throat at the thought of giving it to Meredith. He crossed the trailer to the kitchen and grabbed two small coffee mugs and with haste decided to take another blanket and two pillows from his sofa. He walked out of the trailer and stopped dead in his tracks at the sight before him.

_It was Meredith – the Meredith from his dreams – she had assembled the hurricane lanterns in an alert circle formation around the blanket he had laid on the ground, she was sitting in the center of the blanket. She looked at peace, half-facing Doc's grave, no doubt deep in thought about him. His heart skipped a full beat. From his vantage point, Derek could see the flickering lights cast off by the candles. The lights danced from the small amount of wind that managed to infiltrate the lanterns. _

_Derek gazed at Meredith again; the lights were performing their magical subterfuge against her hair, her flesh and her eyes. They danced and flickered and created such amazing depth and wonder that Derek could hardly breathe. He began to walk towards her – he felt like he was floating on air – but he wasn't, he was just high on life._

She heard him approach and looked up to him and his heart plummeted into his stomach, from afar, the lights were magical, but up close, what they did to her beauty was simply mystifying. He smiled and carefully handed her the mugs. She knelt up on her knees to take them from him. Derek stepped in between two of the lanterns to cross over the threshold into the circle. He put the pillows down and moved the blanket off of his forearm; keeping an eye trained on her while he got settled. He sat across from her Indian style.

"The dream, _my dream_ – _definitely candle lights_ – you were right," he placed the palms of his hands on the ground in between them and leaned in, she met him halfway and they kissed each other. He was warmed instantly – _his nerve endings snapped_ –and the cool, variable wind became refreshing as it breezed across any exposed skin.

They broke apart and Meredith smiled genuinely. "These hurricane lanterns are something else, better than just a glass, barely any of the wind gets into the interior, amazing."

"We'll have to thank Margie for the idea, speaking of Margie, do you want to have some of her hot toddy concoction, I know it's not tequila, but it might warm you up," he smiled mischievously.

"Tequila isn't the _only_ thing that warms me up, but you know that," she said suggestively. "Sure, lets have some, then I can get you drunk and take advantage of you," she deadpanned with a smile playing across her lips.

"And you said _I_ was the instigator, such a temptress!" they chuckled as he opened the silver thermos.

He put his nose above the opening and took a deep breath and coughed. "Wow, this could cure a cold, here, smell it," he offered her the thermos.

She did so and pulled her head back immediately and passed the thermos back to Derek. "What's in a hot toddy anyway?"

He filled the mugs with the steaming hot liquid. "I think it is basically tea, but with whiskey or brandy and honey and lemon juice, I think you can't skip the lemon juice, lemon somehow softens the blow of the alcohol," he passed her a mug and then took a small taste. "I think she used brandy, tastes good."

He watched as she brought her mug up to her luscious lips and took a small sip. "Wow, I could get used to that," she smiled and took another small sip.

He watched her intently, taking another sip from his mug and then he offered. "I could get used to this, _you and me_, getting back to us," he said softly, he met her gaze, his heart raged against his chest and he was at a loss for words. She smiled and took another small sip from her mug.

"Me too, we've been hurting a lot … I'm scared to let my guard down though," she said softly.

He shimmied another couple of inches closer. "So don't," he said frankly.

She looked at him quizzically; she took another sip of her hot toddy, he reached out and put his free hand on her knee cap.

"I won't hurt you, _intentionally_, I won't walk away from you again," he smiled at her. "I'm leaving it in your capable hands, I'll take the lead from you, learn your signals, but I want you to know one thing, right now," he stared evenly into her sparkling eyes. "I meant what I said; I'm in love with you Meredith, for now and forever."

She blushed furiously and put her hair behind her ears. He finished the hot liquid in his mug and placed it down on the blanket and watched as her eyes became glassy with emotion.

"Come closer," she said softly.

_She placed her mug down next to his and he moved closer to her, she raised herself onto her knees and he followed her lead, they half-stood together and Derek placed his hands on her temples and moved his fingers down to her jaw line and cupped her face in his hands – euphoria set in – all he could hear was the wild, familiar thumping of his heart, thump, thump, thump, as it found a comfortable tempo to dance with her shallow breathing._

"I want your lips on mine," she commanded softly and he followed her lead again.

She laced her fingers over his skull and pulled on his hair, she moved one of her hands down and rested it on top of his heart – _he was sure she would be able to feel his heart muscle pound against her palm_ – he was sure that was her goal.

Derek moved his hands down to the small of her back and pulled her into him, he kissing her _long and hard_. He moved his hands up to cup her face again, he leaned his forehead against hers. "Meredith, dare me to tell you something," he said but was shocked by the raspy staccato of his breathing and voice, it made him sound nervous and he was.

She stared into his eyes without moving away from his forehead. "Like truth or dare?" she asked quietly.

"Something like that, sacred ground, remember Meredith?" he answered breathlessly, oh, what she did to him on the inside, it was indescribable. His body hummed with want and need, he could barely control it.

He moved away from her, only to sit back down and pull her onto his lap. He cradled her like a child, looking at her, he kissed her _once, twice_, his want for her would never wane. He waited for her to answer. She peered into his eyes and turned abruptly so she was straddling him, placing her legs around the small of his back, her arms around his neck.

"This is cozy," he replied and she kissed him with fervor, she liked to be in control and this worked for her, so he went with it.

"Much better," she kissed him once more. "Truth or dare time," she said breathlessly, the wind whipped through the clearing, kind of like thunder in the theater, it changed the mood, only causing Meredith to cling to his warmth even more.

He reached around her and took the extra blanket he brought and draped along her shoulders. They felt their ignited body heat radiate within the blanket almost immediately. "Thanks," she smiled with her mouth and eyes. "So, why did you take me the way you did in the exam room at the prom, _why not wait_, and don't get me wrong – _I wouldn't give back a moment of it_ – I loved it, every kiss, every touch was pure bliss, but why then … why there?" she urged.

He tightened his hold on her before he spoke, he looked into her eyes, she was so close, no distance, no place to run and hide from his mistakes – _the intimacy he craved like a drug_ – it was exactly what he needed, what _they_ needed.

"Don't hesitate Derek, shared pain is shared gain, right?" she smiled encouraging him to speak freely, without judgment, it was now or never.

"Well, besides realizing I was never gonna stop loving you, besides that – _it was concentrated fear_ – the fear of losing you forever … to Finn," he stared into her eyes for the moment of truth, watching it set in.

"Finn," she said slowly. "He pushed you over the edge, but why Derek, sure, I could have been serious with Finn, but I was in no way ready to commit to him, _seriously_ commit to him," she nudged his nose with hers and kissed him softly.

Derek smiled and held her in his arms, low around her back; he kissed her again, quick and soft and said. "I don't know what it was, no – _yes I do_ – I do, he's a good guy, Meredith, he's a good man and an honorable man, and I was insanely jealous that he was with you, and the thing is," he sighed and took a long deep breath. "You and I, we have this all-consuming connection, I mean never in my life have I needed someone with every fiber of my being, Meredith – _trust me on this one thing, I do need you_ – like I need air to fill my lungs," he paused and shook his head at the truth of his statements. She held on tight. "If I saw you looking at Finn the way you look at me, it might have almost been _better_, _bearable_ _even_, but the way you were with him was …," his small voice trailed off, without hesitation, Meredith lifted his chin and she wiped away the tears that threatened to spill over his eyes. The cool air came through the clearing again and zipped across his neck, cooling him on the outside, but doing nothing to calm his insides.

"Go on, Derek, please tell me," she pleaded gently.

He took a staggering deep breath and continued. "The way you two were together was far worse than passion, _it was domestic_, it was real and he was giving you more than I ever could and it broke me inside. He wasn't like George or a one night stand, you were comfortable, you were happy, and all I ever wanted was for you to be happy and I realized _he_ was gonna be the one to give it to you, and it killed me," he stated frankly. She stared at him, but not in disbelief.

"I _was_, happy, or started to be, but Derek … I was guarded too, I wasn't in it all the way, with my whole heart," Meredith said and held him close and rocked him; she massaged his back with her slender fingers and pulled him even closer. Derek breathed into her neck; her scent alone gave him comfort, just knowing she was still wrapped around him for this moment was enough for now.

"When I came over to Finn's that night to bring Doc when he was really sick, you cascaded down the stairs in nothing but his shirt and I almost had a heart attack, my blood literally boiled with rage, just the thought of him touching you – _making love to you_ – I almost disintegrated into nothing," he choked out in a whisper. Derek hugged her close, resting his chin on her shoulder, he looked out into the darkness, the candle light show calmed his nerves and he heaved a sigh. "I was jealous and I knew I was losing you again, I made the wrong choice and I just wanted to go back in time, no matter what it took, I just wanted you back in my life," he pulled back and kissed her lips and then her neck, then looked into her unwavering eyes. "That night in the exam room, I couldn't find the words to tell you how I was feeling, so I kissed you, and all of the rage and angst and jealousy washed away," he wept into her chest. She held him close and turned her head, kissing his neck, rubbing his back. They sat for several minutes like that until Derek heard her melodic, velvety smooth voice fill the air.

"Derek, Derek, ask me for a truth," she said so quietly he barely heard her, he waited for a beat longer. "Ask me Derek, please."

"Okay, Meredith, will you tell me a truth?" he said into her neck.

She ran her hands up his back to his head and held him steady so she could look into his eyes; he was lost in her never ending gaze within seconds. "I never slept with Finn, he never touched me like that," Derek melted, relief washed over him, for some odd reason, even though he had been operating under the premise that she had been with Finn (and he was completely okay with that) when he heard those words, _all he could feel was relief,_ he collapsed into her lithe body, tears came and she wiped them away before continuing. "Don't you see, I was too scared to make that commitment to Finn – _because Finn, unlike George_ – or anyone else was the real deal, he was a great guy and he was damaged just like me – _and he got me to a degree_ – and for the same reasons you fought your own resolve, I fought mine, consummating a relationship with Finn would have been tantamount to giving you up and deep down I was scared to do that … I slept at his place sometimes, but we never made love," she said through her tears.

"Oh Meredith, I can't, I can't hardly breathe, I'm sorry, I'm such a miserable –"

"Kiss me, just kiss me," she said with an encouraging smile as she sniffled with emotion and he did and her mouth was everything it always was, _warm, inviting, familiar_ _and a perfect fit_.

She pulled away and he kissed her once more quickly, tears pooled in his eyes, he was overwrought with emotion and all he really wanted was to melt into her, but he knew he needed to offer some more apologies, tell her some more of the truth.

He swallowed hard, Meredith moved off of his lap – _he felt cold instantly_ – she took the blanket from around her shoulders and lay down, putting her head on one of the sofa cushions, Derek did the same. The air was cold, but they were warm on the inside. She moved the blanket and draped it over them. She smiled and inched closer, her eyes were glassy, and her nose was red, but she was okay. She placed her hand on his hip. He could have looked at her all night and not said another word, but that wasn't in the cards.

"More?" she asked hesitantly.

"Hmm, yes, I'm afraid so," he smiled weakly.

"Okay, tell me something true," she whispered, she reached over and smoothed his hair from his face.

"The worst hours of my life started when I found out you had your hand on that bomb," he took a deep breath. "I was crazy with worry, all I wanted to do was flee my OR and find you and replace my hand with yours, just the thought, it killed me inside, I almost lost Tucker, lost control, all I could think about was you and everything I never said to you," he looked into her eyes and caressed the side of her beautiful face with his fingertips, barely touching her skin there – _he was in awe of her and sometimes he felt like she was the custodian of his spirit_ – or something indescribable like that.

"You had to see me," she smiled.

"I had to see you, _with my own eyes_, everyone said you were fine, but I was broken inside because I knew you stuck your hand in there without hesitation because of what I had done to you," he said softly, his voice cracking. "I knew you had no hope left in you and I felt solely and wholly responsible, it was how I knew I broke you, it was also how I knew I still loved you," he paused, she only moved closer, her compassion never seemed to falter. "I went to your house – _without even thinking_ – suddenly I was there knocking at your door just to see you breathe in and out for my own eyes. I wanted to reach out and grab you and kiss you, but I knew if I did, it would have been out of my own selfish need to, and that it would have only complicated things, I would have never survived it then," he confessed.

He was drained, Meredith draped her leg over his hip and clung to him, she smiled. "Dare me to tell you something private, that no one else knows," she said softly, her eyes glistened in the candle lights.

"Tell me, I dare you," he pleaded with her.

"After I stuck my hand in there, in Mr. Carlson, my head was spinning, things were so intense, I had no idea what to do and I was mad – _mad at myself_ – mad at you and scared shitless. I regretted it, I didn't want to die, I just lost all hope," she paused; he moved his leg tighter under her hips, bringing her closer to him. "I think, it seemed there was no hope for us …well Dylan, the bomb squad guy who died, he was barking orders at me all afternoon, telling me what to do and I froze!" she exclaimed. "I couldn't keep it straight, I was in deep and _I was scared and lonely and felt like I had no one_ and then he told me …," she paused and took a deep breath, Derek leaned in and kissed her forehead, he pulled back, just enough. "He told me to think of someone else, someone I liked, instead of him and I closed my eyes and even though I heard him, _'you can do this'_ was what he said, but all I saw was _you and me_ in an empty OR, you took me to another place Derek – _when my life was hanging in the balance_ – I looked into my memory of your beautiful blue eyes and you told me, _'you can do this Meredith'_ and my name rolled off your tongue and I believed you," tears popped out of her eyes as she closed them. "And then I did it, I pulled the bomb out and handed it to Dylan and exited the OR … _all with visions of you_," she sighed, her nerves wound tight. "Derek, _you_ saw me through," she sobbed and he kissed her tears away, they tasted salty and wet, he wiped her rosy cheeks with the pads of his thumbs.

_They held each other in silence for several moments absorbing all that had been said. Derek found a small beacon of hope in Meredith's revelation of him being there for her on a spiritual level like that. It was completely dark around them now – night was upon them – the wind moved the leaves on the trees, he pulled the blanket up to her forearm and brought her to him, their legs weaved together._

"You ready for more?" he asked. She nodded, bringing her head into the crook of his neck and shoulder.

"Okay, my biggest regret, even bigger than concealing Addison from you," he laughed weakly, "Is that I didn't mean it when insulted you – _about your personal life, your personal relationships after I left you_ – it was wrong, I regretted the moment I yelled at you, but I was so angry at myself and mad, _mad that Finn_, even though he was the better guy and a decent man. I was mad at myself because you were slipping through my fingers and I just, well, _I lost it_," he knew there was no turning back; she moved her head up, their noses almost touching now. "Meredith," he whispered. "It was cruel and indecent and cowardly and I'll never forgive myself, God, I just love you so damn much," he swallowed hard. "I know I will have to earn your trust, just stick with me if you can – _please don't be afraid –_ I am going to try to do my best to not hurt you in the process," he said finally, _he could say it forever, pledge it forever,_ he hoped she would learn to trust him again.

She leaned over and closed the small distance between them and kissed him once. "I was so pissed at you for that," she said frankly.

"I deserved it, I brought all of this on with my stupidity, I should have done a lot of things differently, I should have been man enough to own up to my feelings for you – _the pain I caused us both_ – it's unthinkable, _unforgivable_," he sighed. "How on earth can you forgive me for that, let alone trust me again, I'm breaking on the inside just thinking about what I put you through, I was supposed to be your friend, after George, or whatever and I couldn't even do that without wanting something out of it for me, how can you, how …," he sighed in frustration.

"Ask me for a truth Derek," she said as she kissed his mouth, she slipped the tip of her tongue in to find his and kissed him hard one more time, he felt a lightning bolt course through his body at the touch of her tongue on his. "Ask me, don't be afraid," she encouraged.

"Meredith, tell me a truth," he said, a small smile played on his lips.

She took a deep breath and hugged him close; her fingers wove into the hair at the nape of his neck, she took his other hand in hers and kissed his knuckles and looked up, tears pricked her eyes and she began to speak.

"It's simple really, Derek. I can forgive you because I love you, way down deep, my love for you is still there, waiting to wake up, _waiting for my signal_, waiting to fall in love with you all over again," she smiled through her tears. "It's in a dormant state, but it's still there, there is still a chance I could fall in love with you again if I let myself, you could be the love of my life – _you can't help who you love Derek_ – it's bigger than me, bigger than you," she finished. Derek gasped slightly at her choice of words.

_Derek grabbed her and brought her to him, he covered her with kisses as they both cried their sorrows away with sad tears for all the time that was lost, while shedding happy tears full of hopeful optimism for what was to come. Derek rolled away from her slightly; he reached into his coat for the letter._

Meredith rolled on her side facing Derek; she put her head into the palm of her hand to hold herself up.

"I'm serious about everything I've said, I have wanted to say all of this to you for quite some time, but I can be pretty brainless … but Meredith, I'm _this_ serious," he handed her the envelope.

She took it from him, "What is this?"

"It's a copy of a letter I wrote to my mother about you," he said softly, he lightly caressed the paper with his fingertips. "Read it when you're ready, but know this," he looked into the deep comforting pools of her eyes. "I would never lie to my mother," he smiled and kissed her on the truth.

"Your mother, wow, when, thank you," she said in wonderment.

"It doesn't matter when, it's how I feel, how I have felt all along … but I gave the original to Nancy the day she came and went."

"Wow, so, you're sure then, about what's in here … it's real."

"Yes," was all he could say.

Meredith folded the envelope in half and put it in her jacket pocket. "I think we should move, or go, wrap up this sob story," she teased lightly. "Unless you want to light some more candles for the lanterns, but I'd much rather stick to our new nightly ritual, _come home with me, take a bath with me, come away with me, Derek_," she said shyly.

Derek peeked at his watch, they would have enough time to clean up and get to the ferry dock. "I like your bathtub – _especially with the all that flowery soap and the slippery you_ …," he flirted and pulled her to her feet, kissing her once fully on the mouth.

_They began to fold blankets and put the mugs and thermos away. Derek blew two of the candles out, he picked the other two up and handed them to Meredith and turned to get the box. He turned around to her and was stunned again at the sight of her – Meredith from his dreams – yep, it was definitely candle lights. He walked to her, holding the box off to the side, he entered her personal space and kissed her lightly on the lips._

"One more time, on sacred ground," he smiled. "I love you and I'm sorry."

"I know you do and I know you are, and thanks for tonight and for Doc's resting place, there is no better place I could have dreamed of for him," she said simply, kissing him once more. He melted into her touch, he had no words to offer, for his core was humming with happiness and his soul was self-healing. He swept his tongue into her mouth and she accepted it with a moan that made his nerve endings melt into oblivion and back.

_Things were okay, Meredith seemed happy, Derek was trying to right his wrongs – he let her in and it felt good – he felt like a decent man for the first time in a long while. And with that they headed back to the trailer so he could grab some of his things and they could get back to the city for that bath ritual._

**Chapter 12 to follow.**


	19. Chapter 12, Songbird, Part 1 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: ****So, you've made it – to the final chapter of this story – if you haven't told me your thoughts as of yet, now would be a good time!**

**If you've never listened to this song, "Songbird" by Fleetwood Mac, check it out, it is really wonderful and beautiful and special, and I think it really captures the song in Meredith's heart at this time.**

_**Note the change in POV. **_

**Chapter 12 – Songbird **

Lyrics for Fleetwood Mac's: "Songbird":

For you, there'll be no more crying,  
For you, the sun will be shining,  
And I feel that when I'm with you,  
It's alright, I know it's right

To you, I'll give the world  
to you, I'll never be cold  
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you,  
It's alright, I know it's right.

And the songbirds are singing,  
Like they know the score,  
And I love you, I love you, I love you,  
Like never before.

And I wish you all the love in the world,  
But most of all, I wish it from myself.

And the songbirds keep singing,  
Like they know the score,  
And I love you, I love you, I love you,  
Like never before, like never before.

**Chapter 12 – Songbird – Part 1 of 3**

Meredith eased her head back on the ledge of the porcelain tub; she felt the relief of the cool surface on her hot neck. The air in the room was humid, it smelled of flowers – _Derek overdid it with the bubbles again _– and she knew he did it just to elicit giggles from her.

She was exhausted, and not in a way that a surgical intern typically felt exhausted – _she felt relief, she felt calm –_ and the exhaustion she had been fighting for so long, the exhaustion she carried with her every day since Derek had left her was dissipating from her veins and she wasn't about to argue with it. What was over was over.

Derek was with her and she hoped against all hope that he would only add layers to her newfound calm and peace. She opened her eyes – _Derek, Derek_ – she could hardly believe he was with her, that they finally chose each other.

It felt like a year had gone by since that prom night … since she was with Finn … since she tried to choose … since Derek walked away … since Derek came back, but it wasn't, it was a whirlwind of events that dropped her here.

_In her bathtub._

_With him._

_The only man she ever loved. _

_She smiled. _

For the first time in a long time, Meredith felt blessed and lucky, and not in a sentimental way that would make Cristina puke, but in a way that was real. She was about to let Derek in again, _into her life_, and while she didn't completely trust him, she at least knew he didn't have any more wives or other girlfriends, so that was a big plus.

Meredith bent her knee up to take some of the pressure off her lower back, the water responded to her movement, _Derek didn't stir, was he asleep?_

She scrutinized him for a moment; he looked tired around his eyes. But he also looked so peaceful and at ease too, something she hadn't seen in him in a very long time. She was sure their little game of truth and dare still had him reeling, he was really trying to open up to her and she was trying to do the same. For once in her life, _she was happy_, even with the trust issues, _she was happy_.

Without warning, something her mother said earlier about Richard zoomed in and out of her head, so quickly she could have let it dissolve into the recesses, but she grabbed it instead and focused. Her mother had said – _"he's scared to be happy" –_ and she said it with bold criticism, not unending compassion.

Her mother really loved Richard and he chose and _stayed_ with Adele. It must have killed her on the inside (and Meredith could sympathize, first hand), it was no wonder why she never seemed happy, for the simple fact that she wasn't, she was angry. Meredith meant what she said though, her mother did the best she could – _she and Richard did the best they could_ – they both moved on and lived, but never truly loved again, how tragic.

Meredith closed her eyes and tried to make sense of it all. Derek shifted his weight and sighed in relaxation. She wanted the hot water to melt her weary thoughts, but she was in it now, she rarely let herself think about her mother, it was all so sad, such a miserable way to live, to go.

She thought about Richard again, so now, twenty years later, he found himself having an emotional affair with her mother, but why? Was it because he never went after the happiness with her in the first place, so that now his unstable marriage succumbed to the force of the return of his _soul connector, her mother_?

Meredith believed this to be true, it was apparent now, his love for her mother never waned and his marriage could not stand up to the force of that love, ironically, much like Derek's marriage to Addison.

It was so sad, their story – _Meredith's childhood story_ – she felt an intense worry fill her nerve endings and took a deep breath to quell the uneasiness she felt in her heart – _something told her this story was far from over _– despite Richard's desire to stop seeing her mother, she was still haunted by the disappearance of her father from her life when she was a child, and those details were all connected and she felt blind to it all, unsure of what was to come. She sighed, well that was another worry for another day she supposed.

She submersed her raised leg back into the hot water and gently placed it on top Derek's, she _craved his warmth, his connection, his strength_, just knowing he was there with her was enough for now. His eyes popped open and he smiled at her and she melted inside.

"You okay?" he asked simply, his blue eyes sparkled.

"Yes," she sighed. "No, yes I am, I'm just thinking about my mother and Richard, it's incredibly sad, what happened with them – _I think they really loved each other_ – he desperately loved her, Derek. He called her extraordinary yesterday. After all this time, he knew what to bring her from the bakery when she stopped eating," she sighed, small tears threatened to fall from her eyes, she blinked them away. "He was caring for her, _loving her again_, but why now? Was it out of guilt or habit or everlasting love? Whatever the way, it's sad how things worked out, or didn't in their case," she stated evenly.

"Yes, it is, when I look at them, _it grounds me_, makes me realize what could have been for us – _because I never stopped loving you_ – it would have been a terrible lie, _the rest of my life_, if I didn't make those changes for me … for us," he smiled thoughtfully. "But you know all of that now though, don't you?"

Derek raised his other foot to steady himself and sat up a little bit. His tired blue eyes caught up with hers and she relaxed again into his steady gaze, he had a way of doing that for her, like no other – _he could look at her and everything would melt away_ – whether he was inching closer for a kiss or drawing her blood, it was the one thing she could count on from him, the devotion in his eyes had never, ever waivered, even when they weren't together.

"Yes, deep down I do," she smiled. "I'm glad you figured it out, I told you once before, it meant I wasn't wrong about you," she smiled with her eyes. "You wouldn't have been the man I knew you were if you didn't try to make it work with Addison, I wasn't just saying that to make you feel better … _it was the truth_," she smiled, rubbing her foot against the underside of his knee.

"Just took me a while," he smiled, taking her foot in his hands to massage it. "Meredith, bright and shiny remember? Doesn't it seem like a lifetime ago since we were last in this tub?" he asked.

"I was just thinking that," she said and gazed at him while he gently released her foot, he put his arm up on the tub ledge and rested his head on his fist. "I may not be cut out for bright and shiny," she said frankly, maybe she wasn't, _just look at the genetics_, she thought wryly.

"I'm not either," he smiled lightly. "We can be dull and lifeless together," she giggled; Derek wiped his hand over his tired eyes, his head lolled back.

"I am glad you're in my bathtub," she said and it was the truth. He moved his hand from his eyes and over his mouth and looked at her intensely.

"Me too," was all he said with a smile and she melted again a little bit.

He picked her other foot up and she moaned when he pressed on the ball and then her heal, "Oooh, Derek … you know you have amazing hands, I missed your hands," her nerve-endings relaxed further into his strokes, she closed her eyes. The water started move around them again and it felt good; lightly massaging her body with the current – _calming_ – Meredith was at peace.

"It's about to get porny in here Meredith, if you keep moaning like that and it's gonna get porny," he laughed breathlessly as he worked on her foot.

Meredith opened her eyes. "You've never complained before," she teased, deciding to have some fun with him.

"I could argue and say you've never denied me sex before," his devilish laugh filled the room. He lifted her foot from the steamy water, the air stung her skin, but she was comforted his hot hands, he worked her foot and all semblance of thought left her brain again.

"Oooh Derek, that feels so good," she said seductively as she squirmed under his touch, her breasts swung freely, the bubbles tickled her nipples, she closed her eyes, while stealthily moving her other foot up his thigh. "That's it, ah, right there, right there! Harder, press harder!" she half moaned and screamed, while silently finding his semi-flaccid cock with her toes. She began to gently move her foot up and down his shaft.

"Meredith, what are you …," his voice trailed off and Meredith opened her eyes to find his, she smiled mischievously and removed her other foot from his grasp and brought it down to his cock.

"I'm having fun Derek, don't you want to have fun with me," she teased, feigning innocence, while testing the weight of her breasts in her hands. She took her warm nipples between her thumbs and pointer fingers and squeezed, she felt a rush soar down to her core and back. She smiled, never taking her eyes off of him.

_Without another word, he took both her feet in his hands and winked at her, she melted on the inside from his devilishness._ _He then flanked her hot sensitive feet on either side of his rock hard cock. He stared at her, as if this was some kind of duel – she raised an eyebrow at him while he moved her feet over his cock –she gripped the edge of the tub to ground herself. _

_It all felt so damn good, the water, his velvety smooth skin, his rock hard muscle – it was more than she could take – her core hummed and albeit the warm water, she knew she was wet with desire for him, some things never change, she mused._

"Derek, you're hopeless," she teased, but her voice betrayed her, coming out in stacks, huffing with stirred up passion.

_He let her feet go and took her hands in his and pulled her to him, water cascaded around them, falling like buckets, swooshing around, no longer held captive by the tub, Meredith heard her own squeal fill the small room._

"Derek, Derek," she chanted softly. "What you do to me," she muttered as they half-stood together, the cool air hit her and she shivered, the steam twirled off of their bodies into the air of the small room.

_Derek began to kiss her everywhere, his lips felt like butterfly wings dipped in honey or something like that, something so indescribable that it was almost ridiculous. She loved his lips; she loved his kiss, his touch, his commanding presence as a lover._

"Meredith, I can't get enough of you," he said hoarsely.

_He kissed the long column of her neck, his large, capable hands were gentle with just the right amount of haste, she placed her hand over his heart, the familiar rapid thumping was there, she loved that she did that to him – thump, thump, thump – feeling his heart muscle under her palm always made her feel alive in a way she had never dared to before. _

_With that thought, she attacked his mouth with hers, slipping her tongue into his caverns, he wasted no time sucking on it and she felt a pang, zing, zing, deep within her clit – small jolts hit her like lightening – he could do that to her with just one kiss, one kiss and she was weak in the knees, ready to cum._

"Derek, I'm burning up, I'm on fire," she panted as he kissed her collar bone, he pulled her closer and she felt his erection bob and dart against her abdomen.

_She clung to him now as he kissed her neck, her earlobes – small sparks ignited all over her body and she didn't think she would be able to half-stand there with him for much longer – she reached down and stroked his cock, he was thick, ready, but she knew he could last for hours like that, she ran her thumb around his sensitive head and over his opening – she wanted him in her mouth – there was no doubt about that, there never was. He smiled knowingly as he pulled back from her collar bone and dipped his head down and cupped one of her slippery breasts in his hot, capable hands._

"Let it go for me Meredith," he ordered gently as he brought his mouth over her nipple and lapped and kissed and nipped until he was satisfied that her hardened peaks were engorged and ripe, he bit down ever so slightly and she gasped, she felt an orgasm ripple through her body within minutes. She instinctively tightened her grip on his cock, he moaned into her neck in tortured pleasure. Her body convulsed and she hung onto him like a buoy. "I want you, in your bed, we can do whatever you want, or not do anything if that's the case, but I want you –_I need you, I crave you, proximity, intimacy_ – I want it all … with you," he said into her neck as she came down from her orgasmic bliss.

Derek helped her stand up; he removed the plug from the drain. The air hit her like a wall and she quickly moved even closer to Derek. Meredith reached up and cupped his face in her hands and kissed him … _his mouth was hot._ He reached around her and grabbed a towel from the hook and he draped it around her shoulders. He then took one for himself. He helped her out of the tub and kissed her once more, dipping his tongue into her mouth. His blue eyes twinkled in the dim overhead light – _he smiled and smoothed her hair back from her face_ – a simple gesture that pulled on her heart strings. He tied the towel around his waist and rubbed her back dry through hers. He ran his hands through his unruly black locks and smiled.

"I have to pee, brush my teeth, I'll be right there," she said softly with a smile and kissed him on his neck.

"Don't take long," he winked and then was gone, closing the door behind him.

Meredith's legs felt like rubber bands, she padded across the small room to the sink. She looked in the mirror, she didn't look any different on the outside – _but on the inside she was reeling with excitement and exhaustion and each of the opposing forces was volleying for control_ – wreaking havoc on her insides.

She pushed her hair behind her ears. Her body hummed and it wasn't from her orgasm, she felt _alive and fresh and new and excited_ and she hadn't felt this way since she started her internship and met Derek.

She rubbed her towel over her skin to dry herself off, the air felt cool, but did nothing to dampen the fire in her body … Derek's touch just did that to her. She dropped the towel and looked at her reflection again; her breasts and nipples were still ripe from his touch. She ran her featherlike fingers over her puckered skin; she stood still and watched as they hardened into sensitive peaks. She smiled.

She took a couple of steps and sat down on the toilet to pee, she took some toilet paper – _pat, pat, front to back_ – she found herself saying, shit, she was loopy or high or something which had _everything_ to do with that naked boy in her bed! She smiled again. Thinking of that boy, she washed her hands and quickly brushed her teeth. Meredith bent over to grab the towel and hung it up. She reached for her robe and then decided against it, she would hardly need it in about one minute.

_She gripped the bathroom door handle and paused for a second, she took a deep breath – she was going to start this thing with Derek again – a flash of something completely unknown to her traveled through her body, call it excitement, call it relief, call it love, whatever it was, she knew it was right, that she would be alright and she couldn't wait to get into bed with him._

_Iit was like a dream that he was back – a dream she never wanted to end – although she wasn't ready to tell him that. Yet._

_With that thought in mind, she turned the handle and stepped into her bedroom and into that beautiful dream. _

**Chapter 12 – Songbird – Part 2 of 3 to follow.**


	20. Chapter 12, Songbird, Part 2 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: ****Thank you for the kind notes, I appreciate your time and words! I hope you are enjoying Meredith's voice as the culminating piece in this story. (This little note disclaims the erotica found within). Enjoy!**

**Chapter 12 – Songbird – Part 2 of 3**

Meredith stepped into her room, the air was dry, chilly, the dim light of her bedside lamp barely illuminated the space. She stood just inside the doorway to look at Derek at the far end of the room; he was looking up and out of the window. The moonlight cast a long shadow over his body and the light illuminated his chiseled muscles and tendons, both taught under his firm skin. He was wearing a fresh pair of boxers. Meredith looked at him thoughtfully, he was a beautiful man, so fit, so firm on all counts: _mind, body, spirit_.

Her heart skipped a beat and suddenly she wasn't chilled anymore, _he's here, he wants me, he's here, he loves me_, she chanted to herself.

She took a deep breath to recapture her heart's natural rhythm and his scent filled her lungs to the brink and she stopped cold– _she_ _was startled for a moment_ – she hadn't expected his scent to return to quickly, for she had long since gotten used to him not being here with her. But now he was, and she was happy about it. She sighed and Derek turned when he heard her, she snapped out of her reverie.

"Hi," he said with a smile, her heart leapt into her throat as he crossed the room slowly. "You okay?" he asked simply and with one swift movement his hands were on her shoulders. He kissed her lips and his fingers danced across her breasts and nipples, he moved the back of his hand down her abdomen to her belly and it brushed up against her mound, her knees almost buckled with his every touch.

"Yes, I just," she looked up into his blue eyes and then kissed him quickly, his fingertips moved down to her waist and he gently pulled her to him, caressing her plump ass cheeks, she pulled back and smiled.

"You sure you're okay?" he asked, a concerned expression crossed his face. "You seem … are you cold?" he hugged her close without hesitating, _he loves me_, she silently coached herself. Her heart rate spiked, and she could feel his anxiety, but as she relaxed in his arms, she felt him melt into her and they both felt better, words unnecessary.

"You're in my room, I'm naked, you're everywhere, I can smell you," she said softly, flatly, she needed to snap out of it, but the presence of his scent – _in here_ – it was hitting her hard.

Derek moved his hands up her back and to her shoulders, he cupped her face in his hands. "Tell me what you want to say, you can say anything to me," he coached her, never shifting his deep blue eyes from hers.

She shivered and he held her close, without letting go, she began to take steps towards her bed, his side of the bed, _his side of her bed_, she pushed him down to sit, he got in and propped himself up against the headboard. She slipped into the bed and pushed herself back so she was sitting inside his legs. He pulled the quilt around them and draped his arms across her low on her belly, his fingertips grazing her sensitive skin there. She leaned back and his put his chin on her shoulder. He kissed her shoulder and a single tear fell from her eye, she just let it go, she couldn't hold on to that one.

"Meredith, talk to me, tell me," he pleaded quietly.

She snuggled in for protection before she spoke; _he loves me_, she though once more before speaking. "When you first left me Derek, it was terrible, I would come home from the long days at work with the wish of escaping it all, _only to be hit with you, your scent, the essence of you, _you were stuck in here like some kind of cruel alternate universe," she sighed, he hugged her tighter, he kissed her neck. She tried to relax.

"I mean, we had spent so much time in here laughing and making love, I just …," she sighed and tried to regulate her erratic breathing, tears threatened to spill from her eyes. She could feel he was starting to get upset.

"That trigger-smell demolished me for months, it was a cruel reminder that I had gotten in too deep – _that my life was a mess_ – seeing you every day with Addison, seeing that _you_ weren't happy, _knowing_ I was miserable without you," she stifled another sob and paused before continuing.

"Derek, I missed you, I missed you like an amputee would miss an arm or leg, I know you felt it too, I know you missed me and that made it even harder," her tears pooled in her eyes, she couldn't see. "I would come home and _you would be here, lingering_ and there was no comfort in that … I had no refuge … I was empty … barren even," her tears fell now, popping over without restraint. Derek kissed her ear, she felt his tears falling on her shoulder, he sniffled with emotion.

"I tried everything, washing my bed linens over and over, buying new pillows, leaving the windows open all day, which helped, but as soon as I would close them to go to sleep – _you would seep back in_ – suffocating me like a heavy blanket, a constant reminder of my mistakes and misery," she finished softly.

She turned in his arms so she was facing him, she sat Indian style in between his raised knees, she felt cozy, safe. He picked her chin up with his fingers.

Derek sighed heavily and shook his head, he looked lost. "Meredith, my heart's breaking, it's broken," tears fell from his eyes. "I'll never be sorry enough, I could never apologize enough for that," he whispered, bringing her to his chest. She kissed his collar bone.

She felt a sob wrack his body and she held him tight. Her chest felt his pain and she tried to absorb some of the shock waves for him, it was all she could do, the most she could do, for she truly loved him and his pain was hers; shared pain and shared gain.

Their connection was embedded deep within their souls thereby allowing no boundaries from one another, it was unconditional, based on true need for one another and not passing whims. She leaned forward and hugged him even tighter, finding solace in knowing he was there _now_, letting him know without words just how much she _needed_ him and_ wanted _him.

"None of it matters Derek, none of that, we can't dwell on it, we have to move on, move forward," she moved out of the hug and looked into his eyes. He stared at her in awe. "You're here now, the essence of you just shocked me a little bit, but it feels right," she placed her hand over her heart. "It feels right in here, like the universe has been aligned again or something very strange like that," she laughed and he smiled, he put his hand on top of hers and leaned in and kissed her deeply, she returned the kiss with equal fervor.

_Derek sat up and straightened his legs and Meredith draped her thighs over his, she wrapped her legs around his waist, her feet rested under one of his pillows. He cradled and rocked her as they kissed. Meredith's heart rate spiked, her skin tingled and she felt a light sheen of dew cover her body, proximity with Derek just did that to her. She smiled into his mouth as she felt his cock stir against her belly through the thin fabric of his boxers._

_He groaned and in one swift movement, he propelled her backwards so she was pinned between him and the mattress, she gasped in delight. She took her foot and raised it up to the waistband of his boxers and pulled them down to his feet, he kicked them away. His cock sprung free and was nestled low on her body between her mound and thigh against her bikini line. _

_Derek took her earlobe in his wet mouth, he rolled his tongue over the fleshy part, pumping it with his lips in a French kiss, instinctually Meredith turned her head and he repeated the same kiss on her mouth, she moaned and arched her back in pleasure._

_She could feel that familiar carnal warming sensation deep within her core, just the feeling of his cock rubbing against her body made her want to cum. She bit his shoulder and he moaned as she moved her hand down to stroke him. He raised himself up to one side to grant her access, they made eye contact, he smiled and kissed her and she grasped his cock. She loved his cock; there was something sinful about the velvety smooth baby skin that encased his rock hard muscle, she loved to feel it, suck it, and who was she kidding, fuck it._

_Before she could have her way with him, Derek began his decent on her body, her heart stopped in anticipation of his tongue on her flesh and core and clit, what the man did for her clit was nothing short of miraculous. He made his way down to her breasts, trailing a line of saliva and blowing on her skin as he went. Meredith placed her hands on his skull and pushed him south, he chuckled and looked up and into her eyes and she smiled playfully._

"I want your tongue on my clit, Derek, give it to me, I know you want it too," she said breathlessly.

_He stared at her for a beat longer, all she could hear was the staccato of their breathing, then in one swift movement his mouth was devouring hers, his cock pressed on her pelvic bone, she pushed her hips upward, adding pressure to it, she moved slightly so she could catch his cock in between her mound and thigh and she held it there, he moaned into her mouth – tortured bliss was divine – she thought wryly._

"Meredith," he moaned into her neck. "Keep that up and I'm gonna cum, and Meredith, _damn_, I don't want to, not yet," his voice strained in pleasure and she released him from her vise.

She brought her hands up to the sides of his face and held him there as she attempted to wield control over their wild kisses. He placed his forearms above her head in a halo formation; his fingers wove through her tresses, massaging her scalp. She loved the feeling of skin on skin with Derek, the way he flattened her breasts with the weight of his body, made her writhe with uncontrolled bliss under his touch.

Derek moved his hand down the side of her body to her hip bone and rested his hot hand there, he broke free from her kisses and lowered his face, sweeping his fat tongue across the plane of her breasts, ribs and belly _– ultimately resting his head on her pelvic bone over her mound_ – while one hand caressed her opposite hip bone, he used his other hand to massage her nipples. Reflexively, she raised her free leg and placed her foot flat on the mattress to afford him the access he desired.

She began to caress her breasts and her hand collided with his, he raised his head and they made eye contact for a moment and he gently took her fingers in his and began to run them over her nipples, he smiled and she felt his cock grow harder against her outer thigh. The warm sensations she craved began to percolate deep within her core.

He lowered his gaze again, maintaining his hold on her fingers and her nipples. His hot breath breezed over her mound and swirled against her damp folds, further igniting the fire in her core. She felt a wave of hot blood fill her veins and nerves and her delicate muscles began clamp down in uncontrolled anticipation of his touch on her bare skin. He inched closer, she was sure he was about to go in for the kill, she wiggled, she needed movement, she felt hot, but not bothered.

He released her hand and rolled between her thighs. He moved down slightly so his head was positioned on her leg in between her thigh and her knee – _Meredith could feel his erratic hot breath and from her vantage point _– she could see him inching closer, she tried to bend the leg he was situated on to grant him full access –_ but he was stymied, perhaps intoxicated by her _– she raised her hips and he smiled, but never altered his gaze, keeping his eyes trained on her wet pussy.

"You're beautiful Meredith, your pussy, your muscles, the essence of you, I crave it, _I crave you_," he said and she felt a mini quake build in her core, she was instantly lubricated. He must have known, for she heard him take a deep breath in, no doubt filling his lungs with her scent.

"Derek," she sighed breathlessly.

_He moved slightly and her legs fell open in trust, she may not completely trust Derek the man yet, but Derek her lover, she trusted. She knew he would never harm her here. She knew she could learn to trust him as a man again too and it would be soon, but in the bedroom, there was never any doubt about their connection – not to demean what they had and have – but in a way that is honest and true, she could say this to him and he would whole-heartedly agree._

_She felt it again, his hot breath on her glistening opening, it was closer, more intense – she opened her eyes when she felt Derek's nose grazing her folds – he inhaled deeply and smiled. He took one of his beautiful surgeon's fingers and spread her folds, Meredith gasped in untamed delight._

"Derek, touch me, please," and he obliged, she watched as he eased his finger inside her sopping wet hole, she felt her muscles tighten instantly. "More Derek, deeper, I need it …," she sighed in frustration.

He stealthily added another finger, her folds swallowed it whole. "Meredith, what do you want, trust me to give it to you," he pleaded; his mouth dangerously close to her entryway now.

"I want you, Derek, I do, I want your tongue on me, inside me – _pressing, kissing, loving, sexing me_ – I want it all, I want it deeper, harder," she said unabashedly, her nerves were in a frenzy.

He chuckled knowingly, Meredith's resolve was weakening, who was she kidding she wanted more than his tongue inside of her, she wanted his hard cock, she wanted to be pounded by him, caressed by him, _loved by him_, she wanted it all and his tongue inside of her was just the beginning.

Derek slowly moved his fingers in and out of her hole, _once, twice,_ he pumped her, Meredith moaned, then he slowly removed his fingers, she felt barren for only a second and then she felt it – _her prize_ – the tip of his tongue as he swept it up and down the outer perimeter of her wet folds – _she was at heaven's gates _– she opened her legs wider with that thought in mind.

_Derek gently spread her folds open using four fingers, she could feel him hesitate, taking it all in, his hot breath slammed into her wet center and then without warning he covered both her hole and clit with his entire mouth, she gasped and he moaned, accentuating her shock waves._

"Derek, don't stop, Oh. My. God," was all she could say, her body hummed with life like never before.

_He dipped his tongue into her center and French kissed her there, his teeth nipped at her taught folds as he brought his tongue out and then plunged it back in, his lips covered her clit and added pressure there – the motion felt like one of those old fashioned water well pumps – where the water swooshes in and out and the handle moves up and down swiftly to siphon the water. Derek plunged his tongue in again and then moaned into her core sending vibrations throughout her body._

_Meredith grabbed his head and tried to move him up and inch to her clit, she needed pressure! She needed movement! She needed him and she needed something more than his mouth on her. She was completely dizzy with bliss, but managed to pull him up from her ripe and ready center. She felt her muscles continue to clamp down systematically, but that didn't matter, she held Derek's face and kissed him, his face wet with her essence, he kissed her without abandon. His cock felt so, so good on her abdomen, seeking entry bobbing and poking, hard!_

_She pulled him up and they both half-stood on their knees for a moment, Derek's hands roamed her body as Meredith reached behind him and grabbed a pillow, she placed it in between their bodies and she moved another pillow lower behind him, he took her signal and lay down, he gazed up at her and playfully reached, fingering her pussy. _

Her giggle filled the room. "Derek," she teased as she dodged his fingers for now. "Up, Derek, lift up," she motioned and he raised his hips. She placed the pillow under his ass and moved above him until she was straddling him, his cock banged against tush. She leaned over and kissed him on the mouth – _she raised her tush in the air and swept her breasts against his chest _– his soft hair felt like feathers on her sensitive areolas.

In one swift move she hovered over him and turned around so that her pelvic bone was flush against his skull, he looked up into her eyes; she melted via his stare and placed her hands on his chest to steady herself. She kissed the underside of his neck and moved her mouth to his nipples, lapping them until they hardened into tiny pebbles, Derek moaned as she pinched one in between her small fingers. She trailed kisses down his washboard abdomen and grabbed his cock in her hands, she felt Derek's fingers on her pussy as she leaned down and ran her tongue up and down his shaft to lubricate him, God, he tasted so good, better than she ever remembered.

_Her breasts swayed against his chest and the sensation was comforting in an erotic way that was pretty damn amazing. She took his sensitive head in her mouth and sucked and licked, she swirled her tongue around his opening and she felt Derek pry her folds open gently and insert two fingers, she pushed her tush in the air and Derek began to pump her pussy as she took him wholly in her mouth and pressed a deep breath of air around him and sucked it out again._

_Meredith held her hands around the base of his shaft and did it again. She ran the backs of her fingers over his sack and pressed on his perineum as she sucked, up and down, deeper and deeper, she released his perineum and she felt his nerve endings collapse._

_Meredith was dripping wet, she felt Derek plunge his whole mouth over her opening again and his tongue entered her stiffly. She held onto his thighs to steady herself as her orgasm threatened to break, she shook with anticipation, she leaned down again and her hard sensitive nipples began to cut across Derek's chest, the dual assault of her nipples and her core was almost too much to bear._

_She bent down and took Derek fully in her mouth and sucked and licked and licked and sucked, up and down, her teeth grazed his shaft, she moved her hands up and down his cock and focused her attention on his sensitive head again, she French kissed his head over and over and over again, while working her hands up and down, she ran her tongue over his shaft once more to lubricate it before moving back to his head. _

_Derek spread her folds and exposed her clit, he pressed his tongue to it and matched her swirling movements, around and around he went as she swirled around his head, all she heard was sucking and moaning, moaning and sucking, Derek eased two fingers into her dripping hot pussy and her muscles instinctually clenched around them, she moaned onto his cock, eliciting a moan from him. She sucked his cock relentlessly now, in a frenzy to make him pop, anything to get him off, to taste him, to feel him, to please him!_

_She felt his ass cheeks clench together and she knew he was close, she pumped harder and harder, her prize was near, she sucked and siphoned and finally felt his release into her mouth, he tasted salty and sweet, she let his cum roll down her throat as his cock fucked her mouth. _

"Fuck Meredith!" he grunted as he clenched harder.

_He reached up and pushed her folds open with his thumbs and submersed his tongue deeply into her core, matching his movements in her mouth, he pressed on her clit and then expertly found her secret spot – one only he knew about –and she gushed, her orgasm washed over her and Derek lapped at her core and center and pussy until she was writhing in untamed pleasure._

Her body hummed as she raised herself up, she leaned down and kissed his almost flaccid cock, she caressed the velvety smooth skin and moaned as Derek kissed her pussy with endearment. She felt his warm hands on her hips and she quickly leaned up and turned around to lie down next to him.

They leaned into each other, Derek smiled, he looked beautiful and spent and fulfilled and at peace. He kissed her once and then grabbed her bottom lip in his teeth – _Meredith felt a strong zing in her core_ –she draped her leg over his thighs and pressed her clit and pelvic bone onto his hip bone.

Derek pulled back and arched his eyebrow and she smiled. "More?" he asked.

"Mmm …yes," she moaned as he slipped his finger into her mouth – _it tasted like her_ – she sucked on it, _once, twice, _she felt a twinge, she clenched her muscles.

Derek slipped the finger down her abdomen and belly, through her mound and submersed it into her sopping wet core, she clenched around him as he kissed her, pressing his tongue deep into her mouth. "Let it go," he ordered.

He pumped her and kissed her and kissed her and pumped her, he then took the pad of his thumb and pressed her clit and her residual orgasm washed over her, the systematic clenching began. "_Good_, _let yourself go, drench me_," he purred and kissed her fully on the mouth, he pulsed his finger once more before slipping it out and she felt warm and wet. Meredith smiled shyly, how did he do that?

He kissed her face, her temple, her neck and ran soothing circles over her belly, he reached down and pulled the quilt over them and gazed at her –_ his never-ending blue eyes captivated her _– he caressed her face with his free hand and brought her lips to his, he kissed her again. She would never get over how Derek looked at her, like she was an idol sometimes, like she was extraordinary, did he already think she was extraordinary?

"I'll never get over how much I missed this, you and me, our brand of intimacy," he said softly as he brought her flush up against him. "I love making love with you, I love your legs wrapped around my waist, your skin on my skin, your nipples in my mouth, sucking you off, the list goes on and on and on...," they both giggled.

She smiled knowingly, more than making love to Derek, she loved and craved their intimacy, his knowing touch, that she knew him – _all of his secret places and everything he loved_ – he was the first man she had a relationship with, the first man she ever had the chance to learn the intimate details with, it was very hard to disown that intimacy once he returned to Addison, it felt like a small part of her vanished into nothingness because the flip side of the coin was that he was the only man who ever knew _her_ that intimately and she was lost without him. But after only twenty four hours with him and lots of touching and loving, all of the pain was slowly washing away.

"Me too," was all she needed to say.

Meredith was suddenly exhausted, she yawned and so did Derek. They both laughed. He reached up and turned the bedside light off. They held each other; the room was dark, only a small bit of light from the high moon illuminated the room now. Meredith noticed Derek looking at the ceiling, he was smiling. He looked sated and tired, but happy.

"Meredith?" he whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Are you still sure about this no sex thing? Don't get me wrong, I love what we do, it's just, I'm curious," he turned to look at her.

Her giggle filled the room. "Mmm…not so much, not anymore, but as much as I want you – _and trust me it is very hard for me not to want you_ – I'm not ready."

"When you're ready, I'm gonna devour you, you know that? Every part of you with my mouth, my tongue, my fingers, my heart and my soul and my cock you love so much," he laughed.

"I adore your cock, this is true," she giggled and leaned over to kiss him.

"I just, I love you, you know, I can't wait to get lost in you – _to fill you up_ – I need you, I long to feel you hold me in place while I cum into you, I'm craving it, big time," he quipped.

"Is that so?" she asked playfully.

"Yes, just stating the facts," he smiled.

"I like just the facts," she said stifling a yawn.

"I know you do," he said softly.

"I like _you_," she said quietly, tightening her arms around him, her eyes closing.

"I like you too," he reached over and kissed her fully on her mouth and then on her forehead. "Sweet dreams, Meredith," he whispered, his eyes shut via their own accord as his grip on her instinctually tightened.

Meredith's eyes popped open one last time and she took a deep breath in, Derek filled her lungs – _all she could smell was Derek and her and their sex and flowers_ – and for the first time in a long time smiled in relief.

_He's here, he wants me, he's here, he loves me_, she chanted to herself as her lids closed and sleep came for her.

**Chapter 12 – Songbird –Part 3 of 3 to follow.**


	21. Chapter 12, Songbird, Part 3 of 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al. **

**Author's Note: ****Thank you for reading … enjoy this last section, I truly hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it. If you haven't submitted a review before, maybe do so now, as the story is complete. **

**Chapter 12 – Songbird Part 3 of 3**

Meredith stirred in her bed, she didn't want to wake up, she wanted to reach out and hug her subconscious again because for some reason it felt warm and inviting. It had been good to her – _she felt things, wonderful things, amazing things_ – and she wasn't ready for reality yet. She desperately wanted to go back to the dream. She was exhausted and sleep quickly found her and she relaxed into it, letting her dreamscapes take over. One thing was certain, she knew she wanted to live that dream, wishing never to wake up.

***

She felt warm and good inside, almost gooey_, like a hot buttery sticky bun._

She felt the weight of something heavy seeping into her belly and pressing through to her back, _yet she wasn't panicked_.

She felt bruised and achy, _but in a delicious sort of way_.

She felt the heavy weight again and it dulled those aches and pains, _almost absorbing them for her._

She inhaled a familiar musky scent, one that she loved, _recognition set in_ _and_ _she melted_.

_Derek, Derek, Derek … _

She gave in to the euphoria of his weight on her body, _it was comforting above all else_.

***

Meredith slowly opened her eyes to her reality. Her room was dark and for the first time in a long time, she wasn't alone in mind, body or spirit. She turned her head to the alarm clock, 3:18 AM. She blinked, allowing her eyes to adjust a little bit to the darkness. The weight she felt in her dream _was real;_ the weight she felt in her dream _was Derek_.

He was in a deep sleep; his wild dark locks tickled her bare breasts, his head laid upon her abdomen. His warm breath breezed in and out sweeping across her belly, causing her core to stir. His arms were curled around her, one draped along her hip bone, the other on her shoulder. His right hand rested on her ribcage, just below her breast, without thinking she placed her hand on top of his. His breathing was deep, systematic – _regular_ – he was at peace. She smiled and inhaled his scent, pressing it into her lungs thereby finding solace.

She shifted her weight ever so slightly and Derek instinctively tightened his hold on her. He slowly caressed her breast with the hand under hers. He pulled her into him as if she was his pillow. She smiled again and stroked the warm smooth skin of his muscular back, her hands moved up to his neck and she nestled her long slender fingers in his soft hair.

Meredith could have stayed there forever, _he's here_, she mused, _he loves me_, she chanted.

_She had always felt great comfort in sleeping with Derek, his even breaths typically lulling her to sleep more effortlessly then when on her own. She loved waking up and falling asleep in his capable arms, there was no other compatible feeling in her memory bank – it had suffused itself there – even after everything they had been through, even with the lingering trust issues she held hostage, she still could close her eyes and get a good night's sleep within his arms and she knew that had to count for something … she knew trust was there somewhere._

At the moment though, she had to pee, so she had to somehow move her personal space heater and get to the bathroom! She hated to wake him, but he was so heavy she had no choice. She rubbed his back and tickled his neck ever so slightly.

"Derek," she whispered, he didn't stir, she submersed her hands in his hair and lightly massaged his skull, she tried again. "Derek," she said softly.

He moved his legs and shifted in his sleep, like a fish tail – _back and forth_ – he placed his knee across her legs, and continued to hug her. His bare cock stirred against her thigh, which made her smile … she more than loved it.

He raised his head and squinted to find her eyes in the dark. "Everything okay?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

"More than okay, I have to pee though," she giggled.

_Derek trailed kisses on her ribcage and Meredith wiggled from his touch, her hands moved up and down his back. He stopped and lingered at her chest, sucking on one of her nipples – zing, zing – before moving off of her and planting teeny kisses to her collar bone. He nestled his tired head in the crook of her neck, inhaled her scent and kissed her bare shoulder, all the while, his eyes remained closed._

Meredith smiled and rolled over to get out of bed but she felt Derek's hand on her forearm and turned to him.

"Don't be long," he said sleepily. She leaned down and kissed him on the cheek; it seemed he was already fast asleep again.

She smiled and got out of bed and padded quickly to the bathroom. Without turning the light on, she made her way to the toilet, peed, wiped and flushed. She grabbed her robe, suddenly chilled to the bone. She washed her hands and dried them.

She stood in the entryway to her room, just as she did last night, Derek's scent wafted through her nostrils and stuck there. She listened to his easy breathing; he was here in her bed like nothing had changed; only everything had.

And now, she was awake; and not only was she awake – _she was slightly hungry_ – for the calories from the small plate of pasta they shared much earlier yesterday evening had definitely been consumed, she thought wryly.

She crossed the room to her dresser and spied the letter Derek had given her – _it was right where she left it_ – she picked it up with haste and slipped it into the pocket of her robe. She opened her top drawer and pulled out a tee shirt and some panties. She let her robe fall open and slipped the panties on and then quickly donned her tee, wrapping her robe tightly around her and tip-toed out of the bedroom into the dimly lit hallway.

The house was quiet, eerily so, but that was just fine by her. She slowly walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. The tile felt cool on her feet, for she had forgotten her socks. The small lamp above the stove illuminated the room just enough for her to find what she wanted: _cereal._

Meredith stood in the kitchen, opened the box and started to snack on it. She wandered from the kitchen into the living room, where it was much darker, to the small closet there. She opened the closet and reached up for her lavender throw blanket. She padded across the room and sat down on the sofa, easing herself into the soft cushions. She covered her lower body and feet with the blanket.

She reached into her pocket and removed the letter. She lay it down across her lap. A mystifying chill coursed through her while she just contemplated the contents within. She took a handful of cereal and then placed the box on the floor next to the sofa.

She ran her fingers over the letters in her name in Derek's recognizable scroll – _back and forth_ – she ate the rest of the cereal – _back and forth_ – and all she could think was _he loves me, he's free, I'm free, they're free_.

It was an interesting thing to ponder – _the idea of reading the letter Derek wrote to his mother _– because it was one thing to hear Derek tell her in his own voice and words of his feelings for her, but quite another to read his thoughts and his articulation of her to his mother. She held the envelope in her hands and turned it over, running her fingers along ridge of the sealed flap.

Her mind drifted to her own mother and she thought about her feelings for Derek and what she would say to Ellis about him if she were still lucid. Meredith wondered if her mother would be happy for her, considering the unfortunate fate of her relationship with Richard. Would her mother be able to see through her life of surgery and misery to acknowledge her daughter's happiness? That question would likely never be answered. Meredith felt tears prick her eyes, like so many times before; she wiped them away before they even had a chance.

She dared herself to answer the question anyway, what _would_ she say, what would her description of Derek be, how can she even describe what goes on between the two of them?

But she smiled because at this moment, she would honestly be able to tell her mother she was happy and _in love_ with a wonderfully complex, beautifully brainless brain surgeon, who had made terrible decisions and damaging mistakes, but seemed to be doing everything in his power to heal the damage he had done.

She would undeniably be able to tell her mother she was finally blessed with a song in her heart, a song that was lifting her to a newfound happiness she never thought possible for someone like herself. A lone tear slipped free, she allowed it to travel down her face.

Meredith held the letter in her fingertips and surveyed the dark room. She rested her head back on the sofa cushion and took a staggering deep breath. She thought about that fateful night – _in this very room_ – all those months ago, when their _wild, nameless, but not shameless_ union and night of sex ignited the fire and desire in their souls.

That night their soul connection was bonded and there was no turning back. It was also a night she was almost allowed to walk away from, except that fate and destiny reared their _beautiful_ heads and introduced her to Derek Shepherd the next day.

She involuntarily shivered at the memory of the spark that started it all and realized she wouldn't have had it any other way because when something was hard, it was usually worth it and Derek was worth it.

_Derek opened her up to the idea of true love and soul mates … _

… _and she saved him from drowning in the sorrows of betrayal and deceit. _

_Derek showed her that she had the capacity to love another deeply … _

… _and Meredith showed him that there were people in this world still worthy of his trust and love. _

And even though Derek hurt her, she felt certain she would learn to trust him again, that she would learn to love him deeply again, for she was sure it was _her fate, her path, and her destiny to do so_.

With that conviction, she ran her fingernail under the corner of the envelope flap and pulled the letter free. She held it in her hands for a beat before unfolding it to read his words.

***

_Dearest Mother,_

_No doubt before you read this letter, Nancy will report in to you that I am fine, that I am me, 'still dancing around all the women in my life'. _

_But I am writing to tell you that while I may be fine, there is only one woman I am dancing with and her name is Meredith Grey._

_I know I've disappointed you, I know my divorce from Addison has upset you, but I also know you are a compassionate woman and mother who only wishes the best for her son. And I think you would agree that an eroded, loveless and faithless marriage is not what is best for me._

_If you want to debate the finer points of the erosion, talk to Addison and Mark, for that is not my intension with this letter._

_My intent with this letter is to say, that like you Mom, I have been blessed enough to meet and fall head over heels in love with my soul mate, my best friend and my lover; the aforementioned, Meredith Grey. _

_Like you and Dad, Meredith and I did not meet under ideal circumstances and with my whole heart I wish I handled things differently, better, and with more honor. I wish I ended my legal union with Addison before silently pledging my heart to Meredith, but I didn't and I can't change what I have done. _

_I wish I had the courage and fortitude that you did when you went to find Dad the day after you met him … when you changed the course of your life and your destiny. I wish I told Meredith the truth from the start._

_But I didn't and these last few months without her by my side have been painful because I missed her with every fiber of my being. Over time my soul evaporated into nothingness and I closed it down and shielded it to protect it from the life in which I was living. _

_In a profound betrayal and disservice to myself, Meredith and Addison, I fell asleep with Meredith on my mind every night only to wake each morning with the glimmer of her lingering in my subconscious. _

_How could I have expected my marriage to overcome my love for Meredith? I now know this was an impossible expectation, because once I met Meredith and started this thing, my heart and soul belonged irrevocably to her and there was no turning back, much like you and your connection with Dad that day on the steps at the duck pond. _

_So Mom, I've figured it out, and I'm done with all the pain, dreaming of Meredith wasn't enough to sustain me and was never going to be enough, and now I have to do something about it, I have to reclaim my life as my own and start chasing my fate. _

_As I sit here and write this letter to you, Meredith and I are at an impasse, but I am poised to ask her for another chance and I am hopeful she will give me one. I hardly deserve it, but I have hope, which is more glorious than I ever dreamed it would be. _

_I used to shake my head and roll my eyes whenever you would tell us kids that you can't help who you love, that falling in love with someone was bigger than you or bigger than us. I never understood that, even when I fell in love with Addison and married her._

_Call it fate, call it destiny, call it a miracle even, that I have come to fully understand what you meant and how you must have felt when you met Dad, because loving Meredith has been nothing short of a miracle in my life._

_I know you well enough to know you won't prejudge Meredith because of my mistakes and indiscretions. But if should you find yourself in that position, please know this, Meredith reminds me of you. _

_Like you, she's an extraordinary woman, for she personifies courage, compassion, tenacity, faith, hope, love, charity and justice and I am proud and privileged to know her and to love her._

_One day, when our relationship is solid and steady, it would be my honor to introduce her to you, but until then you will just have to trust me and take all of this on faith._

_I love you Mom, _

_Derek_

_***_

Meredith folded the letter and closed her eyes, her tears of happiness sprung free with unrelenting force and her heart swelled, _pumping her veins with hope and faith and love. _She took a deep breath to quell its rapid beat, but she was overcome, nothing would be able to stop the horses in her chest from charging, _thump, thump, thump_. She wiped the tears away with the backs of her hands and fingertips.

_He's here, he wants me, he's here, he loves me … he thinks I'm extraordinary_, she chanted the mantra to herself and this time she knew without a shadow of doubt in her mind, that it was all true. She inserted the letter back into the envelope and laid it across her lap. She took a deep breath and looked at the clock over the mantle, 3:52 AM; the new day would begin soon.

Meredith pushed herself up into a sitting position and placed her feet on the cold floor. She held the letter in her hands. She put the envelope back into the pocket of her robe. The letter could very well be her prized possession in life. She suddenly longed for Derek; she craved proximity and intimacy with him because he was _finally_ hers to love … trust was _imminent_ now.

She stood up and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders. She leaned over and grabbed the box of cereal and made her way back to the kitchen to put it away, her robe and blanket swooshed around her feet as she went. When she rounded the small corner, she heard a creak in the hallway upstairs. She stopped and looked up the flight of stairs only to find Derek standing on the landing in his boxers, his hair wild and crazy from sleep, he looked tired, but in a good way, she mused.

She took a couple of baby steps up and stopped, Derek smiled at her as she gathered her robe and the blanket in her arms, then he took a couple of steps down. Meredith stepped up one more time, but she couldn't see her feet, so she stopped. She looked up and smiled and Derek floated down the remaining stairs to meet her – _she felt an invisible line pulling on her heart_ – like a fishing line had been cast out and his heart had been caught. He stopped on the step above hers and Meredith's heart leapt into her throat, _proximity_.

He cupped her face in his hands and looked as if he was just making sure she was still there with _him_, she felt like she was suspended in mid-air. "You met me halfway," he said – _his gentle voice cracked with emotion, but she wasn't sure why _– his blue eyes glistened in the dim light. He moved her hair behind her ears.

"Oh, I did, kiss me," she commanded softly, Derek leaned down and quickly kissed her lips. "I was coming back up, I just, I was hungry," she said, motioning to the cereal box lost within all of the fabric. "You gave me a real workout," she giggled.

"I think it was the other way around, why didn't you wake me?" he kissed her temple and stepped down to her step so they were on equal footing, he rested one foot on the step above hers. She could feel his hot breath on her neck as he inched closer to kiss her again, her heart hitched in her throat – _his lips touched hers_ – soft and simple at first and then with more pressure and fervor, she really couldn't get enough of him.

He pulled back from their kiss, leaving Meredith weak in the knees, she looked into his eyes – _all time and space melted away and she felt like a weightless feather_ – she was lost in his eyes, they took her to another place sometimes because what she and Derek had transcended above all else. She smiled and her eyes became wet with emotion – _this was big_ – what they had was bigger than her and bigger than him and deep down she knew it was the truth.

"Derek, do you really think I'm courageous?" she choked out softly, ignoring the tears that escaped from her eyes.

"You read the letter," he said evenly, pushing her chin up so he could look at her, his blue eyes stung her, and suddenly she trusted those eyes – _she trusted the man who owned them_ – he never meant any harm and she knew that, she supposed she _always_ knew that.

"Yes, I did," she smiled brightly and leaned over and kissed him, _once, twice_, she pumped his lips, he wiped her face dry with his bare hands.

"Yes, I do, Meredith, you're the most courageous person I know," he said, grabbing her robe and the blanket in his fists, he brought her flush up against him and pressed her between the wall and his body and looked into her eyes intently. "And so much more than that," he held her skull in his hands – _she succumbed to his control and he kissed her senseless_ – his mouth warm and inviting, his tongue swept through her warm caverns and she almost lost her footing.

She relaxed into his touch and put her arms around his neck and deepened the kiss, the cereal made a rustling noise behind his head and jerked with every movement of the box. Derek pulled away from the kiss only to quickly close the millimeter of space between them and kiss her once more for good measure.

His hands made their way inside her robe and his featherlike fingers caressed the bare skin of her belly just above her panties. A hot flash coursed through her body and Meredith felt a mini-quake erupt, God, what this man could do to her with one stroke from his hands! She smiled and leaned in to kiss him again, pressing her tongue into his mouth, seeking his to suck on.

"I like these steps," Derek said breathlessly into her neck as he pulled away.

"Hmm … me too, sexy steps," she giggled into his mouth, he groaned with pleasure.

In one quick movement, Derek gathered her tiny body and all the excess fabric up into his arms, Meredith shrieked in surprise shocking the nighttime quiet around them. He kissed her … she wanted him and he wanted her.

Derek began to carry her up the steps. "Lots of sexy steps," he huffed and they both chuckled.

Meredith kissed his neck and collar bone as he made his way to the top of the steps. He carried her down the hallway to her room, closing the door behind them. His breathing was raspy, but she had a feeling it wasn't from carrying her. He placed her feet on the floor; she reached up and kissed him fully on his mouth. She turned and padded to her side of the bed and placed the cereal box on her nightstand. She pulled the letter out of her pocket and left it there on the nightstand.

Derek came up behind her and pulled her robe and the blanket from her shoulders and draped it on the nearby chair, he closed the distance between them, her back still to his, he placed soft kisses to her neck – _pulling slightly on her shirt to reveal her bare shoulder_ – his wet lips touched her skin _over and over and over again_. Meredith's mind went fuzzy; she was damp with desire already. She reached down and opened the small drawer of the nightstand and slipped the envelope inside for safe-keeping. She turned into Derek's arms and their hot lips met and she melted into oblivion. He backed her up and they fell into bed together _laughing and kissing and kissing and laughing_.

Derek pulled her up to him and they moved to lay their heads down and turned into one another. Meredith draped her hand over Derek's hip bone and pulled him towards her, tangling her legs in his. Derek looked into Meredith's eyes and smiled, _he's here_, she said to herself, _he loves me_, she smiled, _I trust him_, she added. As he caressed her cheek with his hand, she moved even closer to nuzzle her head under his chin, she pressed teeny kisses to his neck and earlobe.

"My turn," he said as his hands moved under her shirt, seeking skin on skin contact. "I have to pee," he said in a higher voice, no doubt in mock-imitation of hers, she could tell he was smiling though. "Don't move," he ordered gently before kissing her once more.

Meredith obliged, she was exhausted and she wasn't going anywhere. She heard Derek enter the bathroom, drain his main vain, flush and wash his hands. She heard him enter her bedroom and then she felt his movement on the far corner of the bed, she heard his breathing. Suddenly he was hovering over her; she giggled and opened her eyes.

_He leaned down for a kiss; a beautiful, but devilish smile graced his face and eyes. She opened her legs and he nestled his body over hers, his ribcage pressing on her pelvic bone, he turned his face and rested his cheek on her abdomen. Reflexively, she wrapped her legs around him, resting her feet on his lower back and then she thrust her hands into his luscious locks. _

Meredith inhaled a big breath of him into her lungs and listened to steady rhythm of his heartbeat – _they were in complete peace and harmony_ – her eyes closed with their own accord.

She was so relaxed she wasn't sure how much time had passed, _likely only minutes_, before she felt Derek move. She released her legs and he moved off of her. The cooler air assaulted her body and then without warning she felt Derek's lips – _his delicious butterfly kisses on her_ _neck _– his wild hair tickled her face as he dipped into her the nook of her shoulder and trailed his kisses there too. He quickly planted kisses over her legs, knee caps and ankles stopping briefly to massage her feet, she moaned involuntarily and elicited a chuckle from Derek. She lay perfectly still and let him have his fun.

All she _heard_ was the smacking of his lips against her bare skin as he traveled back up towards her head again. All she _felt_ was the phantom indentation of each kiss on her skin – _which left a trail of impressions that just wouldn't go away_ – they melted together until she felt like she was hovering over her bed – _light as a feather, stiff as a board –_ she mused.

Derek smoothed his hand over her temple and placed tiny kisses on her head, he moved to kiss her neck again and then her breasts through her tee, traveling south, he stopped again at her vee, he pressed his nose into her panties and moaned – _she was damp instantly from the vibrations coming from his mouth_ – just the proximity of his talented tongue could do that to her.

"I just can't get enough of that Meredith," he sighed, his voice filled the quiet room and she could tell he smiled, he inhaled her scent once more and she felt his hot breath pass through the thin fabric of her panties – _zing, zing_ – was her only reply, her body in a sudden frenzy. Derek moved swiftly up to her face again, trailing kisses as he went.

He whispered. "I love that you're wet for me right now because of what I just did to you," he placed a hand over her mound. "I love that you want me … I love you, " he kissed her on her lips, "and I want to have whatever you trust me with."

He kissed her again and she opened her mouth and her heart to him, she reached up and clasped her fingers around the base of his skull and pulled him to her, deepening the kiss as she went. Her hands were everywhere, exploring his body, touching, feeling, groping her way along as she kissed him. She felt his cock stir, he pressed it onto her hip bone and they moaned in unison. She planted soft kisses to his neck, collar bone and shoulders, before settling into his body, her cheek on his chest.

"Meredith," her name rolled off of his tongue like raindrops traveling down a window, she felt him take a staggering deep breath and her eyes popped open to make sure he wasn't crying, she looked up to him. "Will you be my girlfriend?" he said sheepishly.

She inched up and kissed him. "So, this is official then?"

"If you'll have me, then yes?" he said; his gaze never moving from hers.

"Okay," she smiled, looking through her glassy eyes into his stare. "Lets do this," she said, hanging onto his gaze like buoy – _trying to immerse herself deep inside of him, inside that dream of them she wanted to live so badly_ – hoping against all hope to find his soul and unlock it for him.

Meredith was so intensely focused that she got lost in his never-ending blue eyes for a split second before he found her, and in that moment she conceded and let her heart win over her mind, in that moment she _embraced him and loved him and trusted him_.

"Okay," he said, leaning down to grab her lips in his, kissing her as if his life depended on it. She rested her head back down on his shoulder under his neck and he smoothed her wild tresses in his hands, massaging her back and scalp as he went, Meredith closed her eyes and melted into his touch.

That was all that needed to be said – _okay_ – they were together and the road was bound to be bumpy with lots of twists and turns and sexy steps and everything else in between, but they had each other and Meredith knew it could be worse … for they could be apart.

The morning sky was breaking through the ceiling of the night and thankfully they didn't have to be up early for pre-rounds so they could nap now. Meredith listened to Derek's easy, peaceful breathing and it lulled her mind and swelling heart. She could do this – _own this relationship with Derek_ – for she knew it was her fate to try.

As sleep came for her she heard the songbirds outside the window as they began to sing cheerfully, welcoming the new day. Meredith delved deeper into Derek's warm body, she inhaled his scent – _now that it was back_ – she simply could not get enough.

She relaxed and let the heavy emotions of the last couple of days seep into her soul and bones, her taught nerve-endings snapped and evaporated, freeing her from all of the angst and worry and loneliness she held within herself for so long. She felt Derek absorb the energy she just expelled so that she finally felt free and complete and safe and warm in his _trusting_ embrace and it felt like a miracle …no it was, being loved by Derek Shepherd was nothing short of miraculous.

* * *

_And that ladies, is the end of this journey! I know I could go on forever and fill in the blanks, but this fic was more about Derek's journey and Meredith's eventual acknowledgement that she could trust Derek again._

_After this day in their lives, Derek realizes Burke's betrayal and Meredith has that fateful "gift" of Ellis's lucid day, and then we all know where things go from there.  
_

_I really hope you enjoyed it and I wanted to say thanks to those of you who read and commented on the story, it meant a lot to me!_


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